What is coming up for 2011

Alright I know everyone wants to know why I think 2011 is going to be so wonderful and what is going on to make it so. Well to start with I am teaching on class at UVU it is an upper level behavioral science class, it all about the family dynamics and system and theories.  I am SO excited to teach what I have been learning about for the last 3 years.  I am scared out of my mind but very excited.  Jan 5 isn't that far way for this adventure to begin.

Then on June 10, 2011 I walk for my graduation.  I won't be done with classes until July 22 but glad I get to walk early so I don't have to wait a whole year just to cause my practicum class is not over yet.  That reminds my I can't wait for July 22.  Classes will be done and even though the semester goes for another month.  I am hoping to be done with my hours and done.  Lucky they will post my degree once my hours are completed.  I am doing really well in my classes and am really loving my education and experience that I am getting. I am so glad I chose this as a career and can't wait for it to be my full-time job.  (where ever that takes me, hoping for St. George).

Next, I am going to go on a cruise in July/Aug as a graduation present for myself.  I am hoping all works out to leave Dallin with grandma and papa for a week while I take some time to myself and whatever friends want to come along.  Everyone is invited but who knows who will really come along with me. I haven't taken a vacation since Aug 2006 with Dayna to see his family in Iowa. I don't ever leave my son other than for an over night for class reason.  So that is right I am going away without my little man for a week and I can't wait.  I will miss his terribly but I need a break and a vacation by myself.

Then this is the really exciting part, I am going to go on vacation with little man to Disneyland next year around Christmas time.  I am going to take him for 2 or 3 days to Disneyland, Sea World (Dayna's favorite place to go in CA he LOVED it and wanted to take Dallin when he was older so bad), and the zoo, and then I believe to Lego land.   So this will be a great memory with little man and one I know Dayna will come along for the journey with in spirit. 

Of course there is getting a new job and quitting my current one.  I am not so excited to leave Lori on of my best friends but I am excited to leave some negative people behind.  I am so excited to get the chance to be a full-time therapist and to have a job I really enjoy that challenges me.  Who knows really where that will take me TX, ID, WA, OR, MT, CO, WY, UT, and whatever God wants me to go.  SO EXCITED for this.

I also get to take this get Marriage and Family Therapist exam which has me stressed out major but at the same time I know I can do it as long as God is with me.  I am scared cause it cost $400.00 a shot and I don't want to pay that twice. 

I wonder if this next year will bring us the chance to find another man in our lives.  One who will love my son, want a few more children, who will respect that I am always going to be Sealed to Dayna, one who knows that Dayna will always be apart of our lives, and who will love me.  It is hard being lonely and being a single parent.  I miss my best friend, late night cuddles with movies and games.  Will this year be the right year and time?  We will see, we will see.

We love you all and hope your 2011 year will be as wonderful as ours.

Changing it up a bit

So I know that I say this a lot but God really does watch over me and bless me even when I am not sure I deserve it.  So last week I talk to Jack up at UVU health center. Guess what????  I get to work up there for some of my practicum hours.  This is an answer to some prayers and lots of thoughts.  I was getting all the hours amount that I needed but am not getting experience in individual or couples.  So this will at least get me some couples and a lot more individual hours that I need.  I am so happy for answered prayers and blessings.  Things are working out well for me.  Also the day I walk for graduation is June 10.  My last class will be over by July 22.  I am so darn excited that I just can't tell you.  I know how pleased Dayna is in what I have been doing these last four years and I can feel just how proud he is of me.   I just wish he could be here with me to party it up for finishing.  I know he will be here in spirit but for this its just not the same.  I miss him and wish he came to check in on us more often than he does.  I love and miss you Dayna.  I can't wait to see you once more.  Love you

me

I'm trying but in truth I am just tired.

You know that song from primary "I'm trying to be like Jesus"?  Well not only and I trying to be like Jesus but I am just plain trying.  I am at the end of my rope in so many ways and places.  I am bugged with all the crap and drama at my job (which really I shouldn't care but each day I get more and more bugged).  I am tried of people thinking just cause I am friends with my boss that she NEVER get mads, upset, or corrects me.  When in fact I get it all the time, in fact I just got it once more today, 4 out of the 5 days last week.  Guess it just shows that I can be grown up and still be her friend even though she does her job at making me better in my work and life.  I am tired of not getting a REAL vacation with my and and right now even more without him. I am trying to keep in mind that this summer ours are coming.  I am trying to love those I really don't like (really having a hard time with this one).  I am trying to get finished with my master's even though I am not happy at my practicum site.  I am trying to get my house cleaned and organized even though I never have time and lately I am always so tired.  I am trying to get everything ready to teach my class at UVU even though it seems like I can never get ahead or feel really ready.  I am trying to have patience with my son but by the end of really long days, no vacation, never ending schooling, being a single mother, worn out physically and emotionally, and just plan spent on my last dime I find myself losing it more than I should with him.  This makes me so sad cause he is not to blame for the stress at my job, the stress at my practicum site, or the other stresses that I have and yet he is the one I get impatience with.  I feel like a bad mother right now.  I have so much on my plate that I don't know if I can function o.k. without it all.  Yet, at the same time I need to get a few things out of the way so when I get home I am not taking it all out on him.  In the midst of trying I realized that the person I need to be close to I am not.  I have been slacking on my daily prayers and you know what right now I need them.  I really, really, really need them. So tonight I will make a commitment to do them daily. To allow Jesus back in where he belongs.  Everything else will all workout in time.  Sometimes it takes a lot of patience, time, love, and just change.  Just know that right now is hard for me. I am not a big fan of this time of year and so that is adding to my crappy attitude.  I know I need to change but sometime that is the hardest thing to do and take a while to get a good return on it.  Thank you friends for all you do and help me with.  :o)

Just need to mumble....

Life sometimes just has hard times.  You don't know that it is going to happen.  Then there are other times when you know that its coming.  That the pain is going to hit you and it going to knock you down.  I think that after 4 years that, that hurt won't be this bad.  That in someway just cause it's not as often it should be less painful. Only those who have lost someone that they love with all their soul can understand my pain.  Only those who are know my pain can understand it.  Only they can <3 me when I say I HATE this time of year.  Now don't get me wrong at the same time I LOVE this time.  Cause with it I get to make memories with my son (without the dad who should be there).  I get to show him what the true meaning of Christmas is all about (without the dad who should get to be there).  I get to see the joy that the Christmas tree, the presents, the giving, the receiving, and all the holidays bring my son (without Dayna).  You get my point.  So right now I miss him, and it makes my soul hurt.  That pain might be less often (not every moment of the day) but its still just as painful.  I miss having him around for the Holidays. I miss his jokes, stories, that spot on his face where his hairs just make a cute mark, and all about him.  This is just how I am feeling right now and what I am missing this holiday season.

up, down, left, right ??????

Everyone seems to think they know me.  Yet, when they say this and then explain I think. "No that is not what I think or really feel."  I guess right now my actions are speaking pretty loud and they aren't following in line with who I am or at least who I am.  I guess this goes in session with who I am right now.  I am someone who is learning each day more about me and who I want to be.  I am growing and becoming who I should be.  I know its a never ending lesson that I am having to learn.

Right now I am wondering if the site I am at for my practicum is the right site for me?  I just don't feel that I fit in like I want to in therapy.  Its not working with families like I want to do and feel I am best at.  It's so hard because I don't know if I am growing the way that I want to grow.  I feel that I need to be doing something else and more.  I don't know its just not feeling right with me.   The only time I feel really at home is when I am in my family sessions.  Yet, those are just ending now cause my client took off and is no longer my client now.  So now I am really worried about how I am going to get all the hours that I need.  I guess I am going to have to look some more and get a few more options.

I am being blessed in my life and I know that Lord is watching over me and my son.  I have been praying so hard and right now some of those prayers are being answered.  Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the blessing that I receive but I am so grateful and blessed to have them.

My First 6K

Today I ran my first 6k.  It was amazing and I loved it.  I also enjoyed sharing it with my son and having him cheer me forward.  I also now believe I am a real runner because I was upset at myself each time I walked and that I wasn't in my top performance ability with my cold.  Maybe I should of thought about staying home but that just wasn't a thought cause I said I was going to do it and I did it.  I also and very glad I did not come in last. Here are a few photos of my adventure.

Here is Dallin all ready to sit back and enjoy the race in the stroller while momma ran the race.  He didn't want me to take  his photo but I did anyways. :p

Here we are in the line waiting for the race to begin.  We had to wait for 15 mins over the start time because they said they lost some runner?  Hmm wonder where they went and who found them.

I had to stop at one point to let Dallin out because he decided he wanted to run with me also.  He ran a half mile with me before he said he wanted back in so he could have a nap. :)

 I only took one photo of the gardens waterfall during my race but it was so pretty that I just had to take the photo.  The gardens were just so pretty and I loved running through them.  

Over all this was a wonderful experience and I am so glad that I did this and can't wait for my BIG race in Jan.  Just finishing this is something I am proud of.  I am also glad that I did it even though I was sick with a cold during it.  I will have to run another one next month too :D

Struggles??? :(

So this last week has been hard for me in so many different ways.  First I have a horrible habit of being pushy.  Well to say it better when I feel like someone is walking out of my life I open the door and assist them out of it.  I don't mean to be mean, pushy, or hurtful but yet I do.  Why?  Cause usually then the person will leave my life and not look back.  In my head I am thinking its better to lose them now rather then later.  So if I feel like they are going to leave why not help them do it?  This is bad and this behavior has been damaging to others.  Over the last few days I did this when I shouldn't of.  I expected, to just leave and never look back.  So I was trying to help the person do what I thought they were going to do anyways.  Leave my life, just like Dayna did.  Yet, with Dayna there was nothing I could do to stop it.  So now in life I try to have some control in people leaving my life by helping them to do it on my terms.  This person surprised me by not really letting me do it, well at least they are still trying to be my friend and didn't let me push them out of my life.  Hmmm maybe I need to stop taking my fear from losing people from losing Dayna, out on others.  Also I think  I should stop having to have control of everything. For some reason I think if I control things then I control the hurt that will happen to me.  HELLO it doesn't stop it and sometimes hurts worse.  Also doing therapy these last few weeks have been hard.  I am tired, confused, being tested, and struggling to find myself as a therapist.  This giving advice thing came easy to me but now I am having to learn to just listen.  To ask questions that bring me to listen more.  This is such a struggle to me because I am used to being in control, doing most of the talking, and giving advice.  I have found out that people hold the answers in them,  I just need to help them process them out of themselves.  Last week I felt like a failed as a therapist because of some feedback my client gave me.  It was good feedback for me to hear and I am very grateful that I heard it.  It was just hard to take when I sat back and thought about it.  Sometimes learning and growing is just what we need but we don't want to do it.  Growth is hard work.  Last thing I want to share is that I feel God expects more from me, than I am currently doing/giving.  I also feel not good enough as a parent.  I wish I had more time for Dallin right now.  These last 6 weeks have been so hard for me being away from him so much.  He goes to bed so early that I get so little time with him.  I know he needs it because at night he has been waking up searching for me.  In the morning I find him on the floor by my bed.  When I ask him why he was on the floor he says "I was looking for you momma".  Its often and something that is new for him and me.  I know he needs more time with me but how do I find it in something I don't have?  I guess I am just struggling in many ways right now.  Guess that means some big growth is going to happen to me if I will let it.

Bike Ride with Dallin

So today Dallin was asking for me to take him on a bike ride.  He didn't mean one where he rode his bike but where I rode mine while pulling him behind me.  All I can say is that I need to do it more often and that is a wonderful workout.

Supermom here to save the garbage disposal :P

So last night I went to turn on my garbage disposal after doing dishes to find it only hummed and would not turn on.  So I went to google (yes, I used Google a few times on this adventure) and searched how to fix a garbage disposal.  Found a good video that said if its humming then its clogged and how to unclogged it with alan's wrench.  Bad news my was so old there was no hole for a alan's wrench.  So I took it all part.  I don't have any before picture sure wish I did so you could see the piping mess that was down there.  Cleaned it out made sure everything turned went to Lowes to replace the pipe that broke when I took it apart (it was cracked really bad and then the lip just fell off). So came home put it together once more and turned it on and reset it and still wouldn't work.  So call my parents they said just go get anew one (thanks for the help and advice dad).  Made another trip to Lowes to get the new one and more piping.  As I was walking out of Lowes I threw the old one away.  Went home and found out I needed to go back because I needed plummers clay. So had to run back to Lowes.  Got back home and started putting things together to find out OPPS I should of not of thrown the old one out at Lowes. Why?  Because I need the wiring out of it to put in the new one. So another trip to Lowes to get the old one back from the trash.  By the way was empty so I had to go hunt it down in the store.  Then came home put it back together and forgot to check for leaks good.  So at this point it was 12 in the morning and I was soooo tired.  So when I woke up this morning I walked into the kitchen and there was water everywhere because my neighbor was using her dishwasher.  It sucks that part of my plumbing is connected to other people's.  So I had to start cleaning up the mess and make one last trip ( I was praying hard it was my last trip) to Lowes.  This time I took photos of what it looked like and what said what I needed.  I got a small lessen in connecting piping, bought my piping, and came home.  I really only needed on straight tubing, on piece that had a female part of each end and was bendable in the middle.  I put it all together and turned on the NEW garbage disposal to find out.  YES I DID IT.  No leaking, and the new one works wonderful.   The sad new is that I have to make another trip back to Lowes to return all the piping I bought that I ended up not needing.

Here is the picture I took to Lowes to show what it looked like and what I thought I needed ( I was mostly right on I just didn't know they had pieces with bendable middle parts) so I was impressed that I some what knew what I was looking for.

Here is the photo of the finish and fully working new garbage disposal and piping under my sink.  This project stressed me out and made me really grumpy but I am very proud of myself that I did and mostly all by myself.

Dallin Singing :P

Dallin really is enjoying preschool. He is learning so much.  One Friday I picked him up and he shared the cutest song with me.  So I thought I would share them with you all as well.  Enjoy they sure made me giggle.

What?

Alright so I am a little bugged right now.  I know that I shouldn't be but I am. First off I am NOT dating anyone seriously. That statement is not meaning that I want to something serious right now either.  Second is that I really was taking my bet with my friend seriously and now I think he isn't going to race it with me.  I am sad about this but I am not going to let it stop me from doing it. Alright negative stuff out of me on to the positive.

Things in my life are going well.  School is keeping me busy, busy, busy. Practicum is doing well and also keeping me really, really, busy.  I am so excited to go to the temple Friday and then for conference next weekend.  I have a few things on my mind that I am praying about, that I believe will be answered or at least I will get some peace on them during conference.

The other good news is Dallin is learning to read.  He began is first beginning reader last week and is doing the best in his preschool class in reading.  I will post a few videos of his singing that are just way to cute that Miss. Julie taught him.  He is a really bright child and LOVES to read and learn. 

I am taking some of my own words of advice and really trying to hold strong to the truth that God is directing my life.  He knows what is best for me and that I need to hold strong to the fact that I know he is very aware of me and knows what is best for me in all areas of my life.  He has some great things in store for me I just have to have faith and keep moving forward.

I need something.....

I usually try to be very positive, remember my blessing, and stay positive but right now I am not.  I am just emotionally on empty right now.  I am frustrated at my job, I have homework coming out my ears, and I am getting more loaded on me at Pracitcum. Right now I just feel like I can't take this for much longer.  Yet, then I remember that this is in part my fault.  I took on more classes than they thought I should so that I would not have to waste a year doing nothing but waiting for them to offer one class.  So how much can I complain for being on empty when in part it is my own doing.  I just need it to be Oct 14 a lot sooner than it will be. That weekend might just be a great weekend of fun activities.  Also then two classes will be done and a 3rd almost done.  That will help out a lot.  I guess I know what I need I just need to move things around so I can make some time at the temple.  Its been longer then it should of been since I have been.  I believe not only is God telling I need to go but so is my spirit and body.  It just would help me process this all better.  I am hoping to go Friday before conference and miss pracitcum that day so I can go while Dallin is at daycare.  Anyone want to come along who can if I can get it all worked out to be able to go?  I am thinking the 3pm session at Mt Timp.  Email at comicman444@msn.com if you want to come along.  Hugs and thanks for letting me process it all out.

Saturday Out and About

Today Dallin and I went on a lunch date with our friend Esther.  We had a wonderful time eating at sweet tomatoes in Sandy.  The best was that I did not have to drive.  Dallin enjoyed his frozen yogurt with sprinkles.

Esther and Dallin at Sweet Tomatoes

Then after lunch we took Dallin to his favorite park over by the Orem Police station.  He calls it the yellow and green slide park :)

As you can see he likes the green slide the best to go down but the yellow is the best to climb up but he wouldn't stay still while climbing for me to photo him with that one.

We had a wonderful date day together with one of our dearest friends.  Its moments like today that I am reminded how blessed I am and how many wonderful people we have in our lives. 

Practicum has started............... :)

So anyone who knows me very well knows that I don't do well when I am nervous.  First Date with Dayna I was sick the whole time (part due to having same day surgery).  So last night I didn't sleep well.  I think I got a total of 3 hours if that.  I just get myself so nervous about things sometimes.  I think my recent "playdates" were the first time I hung out with someone was was not a basket case before hand.  Well I was a little bit but it was do able.   Anyways today was my first day of practicum.  I was so nervous and the closer it got to 1 p.m. the sicker my stomach got.  I am grateful that I had someone to chat with up until I had to run to get there on time.  It helped to be joking around rather then sitting there talking about it and getting more worked up.  So I left work and headed to start my time as a therapist.  When I got there I met my first client (individual therapy which I didn't think would start until next week).  Then right after that hour got over I went right into a 2 hour woman's group.  These were my first two experiences doing therapy.  In the individual therapy I was all alone with the client and in the group my supervisor was with me.  They were both such a great start to therapy. Now I know not all my days will be this great or go this good.  I mean come on I am working with drug and alcohol clients.  Some of which are court ordered but most are there by choice. ( age 18-30ish).   As I sat there with my clients it was just like nature took over.  I just went with what was in my head and listened.  Several times my individual client kept saying "I don't know why I am telling you this".  Which just helped me to see that this is something I can do and that people will have a easy time for the most part talking to me.  My supervisor said I did very well in group and she knows I will be fine running it all by myself next time.  She also liked my ideas of where I would like to go with group and individual therapy.  I am just so excited for this new adventure and where my life will go as a therapist.  I am so excited for this time of my life. I am so grateful for my practicum site and their willingness to teach, guide, and work with me.   Thank you to all my friends and family for your support, well wishes, and prayers. It truly was a good day.

It is my fault but in a good way.

So the last two weeks have been crappy for me.  I just got myself into one of those poor me pity parties and could not get out of it.  Then things just keep happening or as I think "piling on top of each other" that I just couldn't shake my little depressed state.  So today I went to stake conference where Jeffery Holland spoke.  He didn't say things that I didn't know but he reminded me that we all have struggles and that we need God and need to allow him into our lives.  That with him all things are possible.  Then he said this "God will make us equal to the task".  That was like a slap in my face.  Just because I am single doesn't mean I need to find someone and in truth there is a good chance it wont happen anytime soon.  I have the abilities and resources to live my life and to be happy in it.  God knows me and what I need in my life.  It might be hard to trust him that being single right now is what I need but I am going to try very hard.  I am going to put all my trust in him and just live my life.  If I get a chance with someone to have a relationship great for us.  Yet, I would rather stay single than be married and unhappy or even dating someone and stressing them out over anything like (distance, time, religion, looks, children, education, and so many other stresses you can add to a relationship).  I am so grateful for the friends that I have, and for the relationships that I am building with each of them.  There is a reason I talk to some more than others.  Its alright if were both just lonely and its were friends that fill up that need.  Its o.k. if there is interest in someone but because of religion its NEVER going to happen.  Its o.k. that school, Dallin, church, and work come first in my life at times over dating.  Its o.k. if I meet and become friends and that is all it ever is.  Why is its all o.k.?  Because God will make me equal to the tasks in my life.  He knows if I will be happier married or single.  If there is another who I will meet and be happy with.  He knows and because he knows I will put all my trust in him and just be HAPPY.  I will look at my life and remember and be grateful for all my blessings and friendships.  I guess for to long I thought I was not able to do this alone.  That I NEEDED someone in my life for it to be complete.  In truth that is not so and also I truly don't want to be married to just be unhappy, have someone who truly doesn't love us, who isn't what I really want for a partner.  Only time will tell what is to happen and become in my life.  I look forward the the journey's I am taking.  I am truly grateful for ALL my friends, each of them means something special to me and fills me up in areas I need filling.  I am so glad to have a friend that calls when I need it, for one who is willing to just "hang out" with us and let me bet him that I will kick his butt running, for the friend who has watched my son so many times for me while I have class.  For the friend who is now watching my son while I do my week classes.  For the friend who tells me how good I look and she can see the weight coming off that I am so hard trying to lose.  For the friend who is my friend but most important Dallin's friend or "OUR FRIEND" as Dallin calls her.  For the friend that calls and checks up on me because she is thinking of me even though she is busy and pregnant. For the friend who got me to go for my master's program and who is such a good boss and friend. My list could go on and on.  I have so many wonderful, important, and needed friends in my life.  To all of you thank you from me with all my heart.  You each bring more happiness into my life.  You lift me up when I am sad, encourage me to keep going forward, and bring a smile on my face by your funny personalities.  Thank you all.

I remember 9/11

Today as we were driving back from pick up a box of peaches Dallin was looking out the car window and saw Macey's flag at half mast.  He ask "Momma why is the flag coming down".  Well I took this moment to talk with him about what happened 9 years ago on that horrible day.  I told him that it was a sign of morning, and remembering for people.  Telling him about all the lives that were lost and given on that day.  He said "oh momma, they died that day.  I'm sad momma."  To some they never talk about death.  Once they go through the loss of someone close they just can't talk about it.  In our family we talk about it and we celebrate the lives that are taken from us.  I might not fully understand why Dayna and others are taken from us so quickly and unexpected.  Yet, I put my trust in God that he DOES know all and he all things will be made right.


On a second note right now I am dealing with loneliness.  I just don't know how much longer I really want to be single.  I know there are some people I could be with and date if I would knock down my morals.  To be honest on weeks like this I really consider it.  I miss holding hands, cuddling, kissing, talking, sharing, giving, cooking for someone, cleaning for someone, watching movies, playing games, and so many other things that come with having a partner.  My question that I would like to answered is "Will I find another mate in this life?"  Part of me just want to also give up those I like aren't really interested in me more than just friends, or those who like me I just don't feel a connection with.  I wasn't a fan of dating the first time and now a even lesser fan the second time around. Alright my venting is done.  I know I am blessed and that God knows what he is doing and will bring someone into my life if it really will be the best for us.  Sometimes faith, trust, and enduring is a struggle but always worth it.

First day of Preschool

Today was Dallin's first real day of preschool where the bus came and picked him up and everything.  Thanks to Miss Julie we got some great photos of the event.  Dallin just loves getting picked up by the bus and all the kids at daycare think he is cool because the bus comes and picks him up. :)

Daycare kids waiting for the bus with Dallin


Here comes the bus.

Getting ready to get for his first day of preschool.

He loves his new bus drivers already.  Then again his lack of males in his life makes him like them lots sooner.  This year is starting out to be a good school year.  Dallin is very excited to go to school and see all his "New" friends.  He is getting so big. This is just another step in growing up.

Small Lesson learned on pray

So I know that God ALWAYS answers my prayers no matter how small they are.  Like when I lost my mail key. I couldn't find it until I said a prayer asking for help.  Well today I came home and some how had lost my phone.  I even did the GPS and it said it was in my house but I COULD NOT find it.  Oh and calling it doesn't help when its on silent.  So I said several prayers but still could not find it.  So then my son got to help look.  Still couldn't find it.  Not until we stopped and together said a prayer did I find my phone (like 1 min later).  The lesson learned was that my son needed to see my faith and also express his own in God's power to help us. 

Preschool..... He is growing up to fast

So today Dallin got to go see his preschool teachers while mommy filled out paperwork.  He was so excited he ran up to a random parent thinking it was Miss Ashley screaming "Miss Ashley!"  He was confused why she did say hi to him from far away.  Then I told him that wasn't her but she would be inside.

Dallin Playing in his preschool class room.

Dallin and Miss Ashley

Miss Linda, Dallin, & Mommy

I will have to get a picture with him and his backpack on Thursday and since I am not able to be there when he gets picked up by the bus Miss Julie at daycare will take his photo getting on the bus..  He is just getting so big, smart, and older.  He will ALWAYS be my Little Man even when he is 20 and on his mission.  Moments like today remind me how fast time can go by when your children are growing up.

Company

Today we had some wonderful company from St. George.  The Erekson's came to visit and play with us today.  Dallin was so excited to see his friends and on there way out the door kept begging to go to their house with them.  He missed his friends and I missed my friend too.

We even took a small walk and went to my little play area for a while.

Dallin playing in the baby swing.

 Summer did lots of Underdogs while I mostly watched Kay, Kay :)

Thanks Summer for coming a spending a few wonderful hours with us before going back home.  You only tried to talk me into moving closer twice and Ryan once.  So were down from the 20 each visit.  We fell so loved and bless to have you all in our lives.  Love yea.

7 Peaks

 

So we went to 7 peaks today and had such a wonderful time.  I even remembered to pack the camera and came home with several great pictures of Dallin.  There is one of the two of us but its just a bit to scary looking for me to share.

As you can see Dallin enjoy the water toys in the kids pool.  He kept saying "cheese" for each photo that I took of him.  I have many more to share but they are all on Facebook.  So on here I will only share some of my favorites.

This is Dallin hugging "his snake".  I just found it SO cute.  I tried to get a photo of him swimming underwater but the camera was never around when he was swimming.  He did it the most out in the wave pool when we were in 5 ft water.  Not the best place for a camera that is not waterproof.

going to take more photos of us this year.  Something I use to be better at but haven't done so well lately.  I use to be a good cause of the advice of a great scrap-booking friend.  Always keep your camera in your purse so that you have it for all those tender moments.  So this week I put it back into my purse.  Today it was charged, had its memory card, and go used.  I am sooo proud of myself. Oh and on a side note.  My Crash and Burn has left me with a hurt wrist.  I now have to have it in a brace for a few weeks.  The doctor said to be careful with it and not use it to much.  Haha this gave me a laugh.  I think she forgot that I am a single mother with a VERY busy/active child.

I knew I had one of him underwater.   That thing underwater would be Dallin swimming :)

I Crashed and Burned but in STYLE

So funny story here.  I went out on a play date the other night.  It was super fun and Dallin and I had a really wonderful time.  Part of the activities was to take the kids on a walk in our strollers.  Well me being the new girl who hasn't really used one, oh and was totally going for a great impression here crashed and burned (but in style at least) trying to run down a small little down hill area.  Oh it was the funnest thing around and all adults present had a wonderful laugh.  I personally think it was my crowning moment.  You know one of those moment when the other person says.  Hey she can crash with style I think I can hang out with her some more.  This play date will go down in history just for that one moment.

Dallin had a wonderful time making a new friend who once she got used to his wide side had a good time with him as well.  Her baby sister is about as cute as can be and I could just hold her for a long time.  You know get that baby fix that I need every once in a while ( o.k. more like once every other week).   Babies are just so sweet and wonderful. This one is no exception.  She is a good baby and even allowed me to feed her and get her dinner all over her face.  Hey what can I say I have been out of practice for like 3 years.  :)  I feel very blessed for our new friendships that we made.  Were excited to go on another play date next week to the aquarium with our new friends.

Oh and on a side note I have slowed down a bit on the pace of my run after my fall but I am still running through the little bit of pain.  You know No Pain, No Gain.   Its nice to have a friend who I can be a bit competitive with.  I like a good challenge and I am not a big fan of losing when I am trying to win. Now if I could careless if I lose that is different but this time I want to at least tie.  Alright who am I lying to, I want to kick some butt because he can already run 12 miles down hill and I am now like 9.5 miles behind that amount ( that slow down took my distance down too ).  So if I can make a great show then I can at least feel like I REALLY earned it.  I still love running and can't wait for Jan.  

Life is good. Really it is hard times and all

So today's church lesson was on Job. I sat there listening to the lesson thinking.  I think I am getting there.  What is there you ask?  Being joyful even in hard times, being grateful for what I have even when I don't have much, knowing that God is real as his church is true, having Dallin for all the good and hard times.  I am just happy. Life is not perfect nor will it ever be really in this life time of mine.  Yet, that is o.k.  How can you not be grateful when even in the hardest times of my life I have been so greatly blessed.  The Lord truly loves me and continues to bless me in anyway that we need. 

There are some exciting things that are happening in our lives over the next month. I am excited for each new thing that is going on in my life.  I can't wait to start my practicum Sept 7.  That is just a few weeks away.  I can't believe I am finally there.  Its time to start doing what I want to really do in life.  To start to learn, grow, and stretch myself over the next year. I know that life will not be easy but it will be worth it.  The next year I might not know what all will happen but I am looking forward to them all the hard ones and well as the good ones.

Also I am still enjoying running.  I have moved past the 5k yet but I still have 5 months to get to my half marathon goal.  I am excited to get in good shape and to continue to enjoy the blessing that come from running.  Oh and on a positive side of running each day is that I have lost 5 lbs this week.  Now if I can just keep that amount each week up for like the whole training time then I will be back to my cute skinny person who has been missing for a while.  All I can say is that life is good and I am soo excited for it all right now.  Thank you Heavenly Father for all of it.  May they will be done in my life and may I learn to love it all and learn from it too. 

What have I gotten myself into

Anyone who really knows me knows that I can be stubborn, jump first think later, and competitive. So due to this my mouth has gotten me into a new challenge which in truth I am not sure I can do (the fear). Oh course I can't really admit to that right now cause that would be throwing in the towel before I have even begun to try.  I have made a commitment to run in a half marathon in January in St. George.  Really?  What am I thinking.  Well I know what I am thinking but we'll hold off on that one for a while.

So I have some goals to go with this. I want to continue to get in shape. Losing my extra fluff would be really nice too.  So that is goal number one.  Goal number two is to push myself to do something that I never in this life time thought I could do or really want to do so that is goal #2.  Goal number three is to win cause I don't want to have to wear the shirt with his photo saying I lost to him in whatever terms we decide to write it for a week or in my case for every weekend for a month and also have to post that same photo as my profile photo on facebook for a month. Oh and loser buys dinner. The stakes are high here cause I want to get through this but sometimes I don't believe in myself enough. So I am hoping that my stubborn side kicks in and pushes me over the hill and to the end.

So that being said I am SO excited to do this.  To have a bet along with it and to challenge myself to do something that is so new to me.  I have a few ideas why I am so excited but once more those are for my head to think through and work on.   What a way to kick off the new year.  Its interesting for the last 18 years I haven't really cared about being healthy.  Yet, this last 6 months being healthy has started to be a concern for me.  I still eat crap that I shouldn't but I now care more about what I eat and feel guilt when I eat crap and I put more healthy choices in my mouth and less of the crap in it too.  I never before this summer liked to run.  I thought oh I get to sweaty, its so boring, and I just hate it but now I LOVE IT.  I feel so much better about myself, life, and am a better parent cause I run.  Its like a need that I have to have.  Don't get me wrong there are days when it's just so hard to get up and run and I have to push myself to do it.  Those days are the most rewarding in at the end of the run.  Who knew I was a runner?  So right now the big emotion is excited >:o)  OH I am just so happy.

Smiles this week >:o)

 So in someways I am a very simple person. It doesn't take much to put a smile on my face.  I am so very, very blessed to have some of the greatest friends in the world.  I know you think I am just saying that but really I have great friends.  Even if it just a smile on my Facebook. They cheer me up, pray for me, serve me, and support me in so many ways.  I feel so blessed and grateful for each of them.  I don't think that they know just how much they mean to mean.  How much the kind things they do for me, matter to me and Dallin.  I am sooo very blessed with great friends.  My family is pretty great too.  My mom worries about me more than I think she should but that just goes to show you how much she loves me.


School is going good and I continue to do well at it. I NEVER thought that I could do this. I never told in all my years of life that I would of ever chosen to get my Master's yet here I am doing it and doing it well.  I start my practicum soon and I can't wait! I am sooo excited.  My house (other than my room) look good.  I have a wonderful staying with me for a few days. I am making new friends.  I have a smile on my face lately that just seems to even when it leaves comes back soon.  I just want everyone to know how much I am blessed with amazing people in our lives.  Thank you.

Wondering where my journey will take me in the next year.

So over the last week I have been thinking about starting my practicum this next semester.  I wonder am I really ready to start doing true therapy?  Is this really what I want to do ( I know kind of late to be thinking that).  How can I ready myself for all that I need to learn to do well in this new adventure and career.  How am I going to balance this all and have time for everything in my life?  Then I sit back and think God opened this door for me and I would be a nut not to continue down this path that he is guiding me on.  He has helped (along with many others) me to get this far.  He can see me through the rest of my life to the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Over the last 3 years since losing Dayna I have grown so much.  I am becoming better at listen to that still small voice. I am being prepared to help many other people in life and to become a tool for the Savior to use.  I know that the church is true with all of my heart I know.  I know that my choices aren't what others would make but for me they are right.  My son knows he is the world to me.  That he is able to mend my broken heart when I miss is daddy so much and the pain is just to strong all I have to do is hold him and it just melts away.

Today my friend laughed at me when I said you know I think I am done having kids.  I just don't think that I will be given the chance to have another one.  She laughed and said you'll get married once more, your young.  Then she said and you still fertile and have plenty of time to have a another one or two.  That makes me think. What does my future hold?  Where will God take me on this journey?  There is a huge piece of me that feels ready to find another.  Then there are times when I still feel so connected to Dayna that I am not sure I can.   This thought has lead me to think that for me I could only really find another in a widower. Someone who understands and has been through this too.  Even though each of our journeys is different there is something in know that they know just how it feels for you at times and you don't have to explain it cause they just get it.

So maybe one day another wonderful man will come into our lives and we will be blessed to share our time together on this earth.  Someone who can love my son and me.  Who is willing to share their lives with us.  I know Dayna wants me to be happy. That he would be happy for me if I found another great man to marry in this life.  Yet, he only wants the best for us.  He doesn't want me to settle in anyway.  I think in many ways some of the men I have dated lately I was settling for.  Loneliness is a hard thing to deal with when you know there is more.  When you shared your life with another and were so happy.  To know what true joy is like.  To have gotten to taste it and now miss it.  I want that once more.  I know it will different if I marry once more.  That, that love will in its own way be special and different.  That I will be able to love him fully but it will be different.  I also know that God directed me to the right man once. He will direct me to another if that is what he has planned for me.  For now I am just going on the journey. Learning to enjoy the moments.  Finding joy in life and learning how to become better and be worthy to return home with Dayna.  I am excited to see where God takes me over the next year.  Hugs to you all.

Hum.....

I am not sure I am ever going to get things right in this life.  I have many doubts as a single parent that I am just not good enough for my little one.  Then I think I must be cause this is what God wants for me.  I often at times think that he has more belief in myself than I ever have.  Right now I feel like I am just not good enough.  I don't know why I feel this way cause I should be very proud of myself and all that I have been doing in my life since I lost Dayna.  You know it is amazing how much power Satan can have on us sometimes.  How he knows us so well and is able to take our weaknesses and use them against us.  I guess you could explain my head as swimming.  I have so many thoughts just running through my head. I have tried very hard not to ask the "why me, why do I have to go through this?" question.  Right now though that is totally how I feel.  I miss my husband still so very much.  Right now what I wouldn't give to just have him hold me. 

I need to go running. It always helps me to clear my head.  I am so grateful for the blessing of being able to move my body.  Also that I can run and it can help to release the emotions that are inside of me.  It is an outlet that is a blessing to me.  I am also so blessed to have such wonderful caring friends.  I am blessed no matter how I am feeling right now I can't say that I am truly not blessed. Thanks everyone.

Sundays are my days to remember >:o)

Many times I get myself so busy in my life that I often forget to take the time to just enjoy the wonderful moments in my life.  I am sure that part of this is just me staying busy so that I can lessen the hurt that comes into my life when I start thinking about Dayna.  I love and miss him sooo much.  I know he is our angel watching over us and guiding us in our lives.  Its just that I miss not having him here with us.  There is still such a piece of my life that is still missing so much.   I know it takes time to heal and that these things can't be rushed. Each of us in our own time will heal and move forward into a new and different change in our lives.

There has been a few discussions with some of my friends in my life about dating.  It has been over 3 years and I have dated.  I just don't know if it is going to really happen for me once more.  I want it to but I just wonder if it is going to happen for me once more.  I am still young and would love to have more than one child in my home.  I am not saying that I am not totally happy in my life.  It is just that I do not feel complete in it.  I feel like there is more for me to have and do.  Some of those things mean that I would need to get remarried.  I want to do the things that God wants me to do. I am trying so hard to follow his path for me.  I know that getting my Master's degree is the right thing for me.  That I am going to do wonderful things as a MFT.  I can't wait to start that part of my life and begin doing therapy with families.  To help bring about changes that will make other peoples lives better. 

Lastly I want to say THANK YOU to all my wonderful friends and family.  You all have done so many wonderful things for me. I feel so very, very blessed to know you all and have you in our lives.  So many of you are always so willing to help my son and I.  I know many of you pray for us and that we are in your thoughts and prayers.  God has put you all in my life because I need you all.  Each of you in many different ways.  I just want you to all know how grateful I am for each and everyone of you in my life.

Wow Chill out

So I guess I have opened my mouth and put my foot in it.  I have some how offended people on Facebook without even meaning to or even talking to them.  My comments to my other friends have seemed to get their worries up and have a few people (one who I could care less about) upset.  I really did not mean things the way they came across in most cases.  In the one I don't care about jealousy is a horrible thing just so all you know.  I do not what her boyfriend.  I have been down that road many times and none of them worked out. I think I have learned my lesson and am not planning to open that door once more.  Lesson learned. So what I say to her boyfriend (who is still just a friend) should not matter really. Well unless she is not sure about herself in her relationship with him.  I am nothing to worry about unless there is something else going on that I have no clue about.  I don't even know why his family is telling her a lot about me.  I am not worth the time and effort really. Guess they seem to think that I am cause they are.  My good friend thinks that maybe he still wants to be with me and his family knows that, and that is why she is all freaked out.  I laugh at this one too.  So I just don't get why what I say seems to mater so much to people who truly do not even know me.  I am giving this more attention than I even should.

I applied for a job that I REALLY, REALLY want to get an interview for.  So anyone that is reading this please pray that I get an interview or even better yet the job.  It would be really great for my son and I.  It would be an answer to many, many needed blessings that I could use.  I know that if it is to be that God will provide a way for it to happen. Sometimes it is just about having faith in him and his plan for me.  I am trying so hard to find just the right part-time job for my life.  I really feel that part-time is the best answer for my son.  If I work full-time and do my practicum then I will be away from my little man 80+ hours a week. That would not be the best thing for him.  I know this, so I am just going to focus on finding a better part-time paying job (with benefits would be a HUGE plus).  I feel really good about this choice and so now I will do my part and leave the rest up to the Lord.  Thank you to all my family, friends for all your love, prayers, and support. I am truly blessed to know you all. Thanks  

Words from another brings me peace.

So I have been struggling lately with life.  I have felt like I have been a burden to many and just wish that I was at the point where I could do it on my own and not help anymore.  I am VERY, VERY grateful for all the help that my church, family, and friends have given me.  I can never say thank you enough for all that I have been given and blessed with.  It's just that I have felt guilty about it.  I know that my situation is not normal.  That I am going to school to better myself, my situation, and others.  That through my blessings of receiving I am better able to help others throughout my life.  This time in my life has been a blessing and taught me much as well as humbled to my knees to say thank you to God for everything so many times over.  So all this receiving has just cause me to be a bit over whelmed and prideful in a way.  I so badly want to be on my own taking care of all my needs in so many more way than I currently can.  Yet after today I have learned that we all have needs.  That we all at times need gift and blessing from others that we can not do for ourselves.  That God love me and that he does but a limit on the gift that he has for me so way do I.  Today I met with a member of the stake presidency and he was just what my soul needed.  He told me that he knew God was please with my choices and what I was doing.  That I needed to see my receiving as a gift and a blessing not just for me but for those who serve me.  That I am doing all that God wants for me right now and that I should not run faster than I can (I have been trying to lately, or at least picking up to a nice fast pace).  That the desires of my heart are good and righteous.  That I am a good woman who will do great things in my life and for God.  That right now is my time to receive to prepare me for my time to give.  I left the office feeling like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders.  It was testified to me once more that God listen to my prayers, knows the desires of my heart, and knows me and what is best for me if I will just but trust him.  Trusting and letting go is hard for me but I am getting better at it.  Today was an wonderful day of answered prayers for my.  I will go to bed with peace in my soul tonight.  Thank you God, my family, my friends, and all those others who have given and served me.  You can never know just how much I am grateful to you all for it.  I truly am so VERY, VERY, grateful to you all.  May God bless you more for what you have done for my son and I. I am truly a blessed woman.  Thanks

My weekend of Crap but finding good in it anyways.

So my weekend hasn't been the best one for me.  It started off with my dad going into the hospital to have two stunts put in.  They weren't planned and I didn't even know he was having testing done.  So it came as a big shock for me.  Two things here I don't do well with one my dad in the hospital and second have them do things to his heart.  So that left me on edge on Friday just a BIT.  Then Saturday I get an Facebook email to look at my sister-in-laws status to find out my father-in-law was dying.  Issue here beside that he was dying and a kind old man. I don't do death well with anyone close to me.  I haven't since Dayna died.  It send me into a tailspin every time.  I have only been to one funeral since his death and always find some good reason not to go to them cause even at that one I cried my eyes out and was a emotional wreck.  Did I say that I just don't do death at ALL?  Then to top off my weekend I had a bad day at church.  Normally I love church but today was just not a good day.  I know that what was said was meant well but it came out hurtful and just sent me into tears for the rest of the day.  I know that my son is difficult at times, with a short attention span, and need extra attention that.  I also am very aware as he is when people don't really like him, want him around, or are bother by him.  That was the experience today.  That he just wasn't wanted.  I had already been emotionally drained this week, feel like so often I am not doing the best job as a parent, and that I am a burden to my ward.  So the comment that was to mean well but said in a way that you knew was not with love.  Just hurt me to my core today.  Nothing was harder than trying to explain to my son that he wasn't being good enough or sit still enough while the whole time he was saying.  Mommy I was trying to be good.  Mommy I will be good please let me go back.  I was able to make to the door to leave church before the tear came pouring out of my eyes.  Then for the next 9 hours almost with only a few hours in between of none. 

Don't get me wrong I know that this person did not mean to hurt me.  That she was not prepared or trained at working with children like my son.  I also know that even to me he can be difficult to handle and I need a break.  Its just that today was not the day for all of this.  It was like they say it was the icing on the cake that sent me over.  Its hard to know that the primary at time has talked about my son and that he is seen as the difficult child.  Yet, its just as hard to send him somewhere he loves that just really truly in their hearts doesn't want him there or thinks it would just be easier if he wasn't there.  I am very protective of him.  So him hurt today just made my hurt worse.  He tries to do what is right and be good. It is just SO hard for him to sit still and pay attention when it doesn't keep him stimulated.  He need consistency.  He lives for consistency and stability in his life.  Without it he is like a sinking ship.

So right now I am just emotionally on empty.  I feel drained and not good enough.  That as a single mother I am just not able to do it all.  Now don't get me wrong I know that its not true but that is just how I feel right now.  I am very blessed to have wonderful home teachers to come and giving me a blessing that helped me so much.  To have to great men who care over me and my son. I am truly blessed.  I also know that through this struggle I will grow and become stronger.  That it is one of those test that I need to go through to become better.  I also know that the comment that sent me over was not meant to hurt me.  I know that I have prayer and that God not only listen and hears my prayers but most importantly he answer each of them. I also want to say how wonderful of a son I have.  He truly is such a lovely, caring, smart, and energetic child.  His ability to love everyone no matter what is what I wish I was more able to do.  His sweet innocence makes him such a joy to parent.  He laugh heals me and is so powerful to me as a mother.  He love church, primary, the scriptures, and praying so much.  He knows Jesus.  He is so cute when he does things only because he see me doing them and want to be like me.  He wants to please people and hates feeling like he is in trouble.  His love is infectious and such a treasure to have.  I am so blessed that he calls me mom, or momma (never mommy). He loves to learn you can see that twinkle in his eyes when he is learning and he LOVES it.  I love you Dallin and am so grateful and blessed to call you my son.  I will always love you no matter what.  Your a true joy to me and my life.  Thank you for loving me and being my son.  

Sometimes life needs a Second Look.

So I was think back on my life today. I was thinking back about 3 or 4 months ago.  When I was in the processing of a relationship that I cared very much about was ending.  It hurt very much and I was hurt by the person.  I am sure if you asked him my actions hurt him and things were going to end anyways.  Life always has different views depending on who you as and what their side of it is about.  I don't care so much anymore that things ended.  Well in truth I am grateful, very grateful that they ended. I see that he needed someone closer to him, that was more small town minded than I am, and who wasn't as stubborn about things as I am.  Its not that he is a bad guy or anything was wrong with him per-say it is just that he was not the right person for me.  That I deserved more in different ways than he could offer Dallin and I.  What he has to offer can and I am sure one day work for someone else but for us looking back I can now see that it wasn't the best thing for us.  God allowed me to choose because i have agency but he had a better plan for me if I was just willing to listen and follow his path.  I always can choose whatever I want but some choices aren't going to make me the happiest in the end.  Since God is a loving, kind, and giving God he wants what is best for me.  That person was not who was best for me.  He could be the best for someone else but the person is not me.  Does that make sense?  I am very glad that things turned out the way they did.  I learned much from that relationship.  I gain much from the struggle I had to go in and out of it.  I bettered myself because of the whole experience of it. I am a better person for having been through it all.  I will be able to us what I learned and experienced while doing therapy with others.  In the end what I went through is a blessing to me and for me.  Even though it still was not the best choice that God wanted for me he still blessed me because of it.  His love for me is there even when I am not the best Daughter of God.  I am so humbled by his love and kindness towards me.  I am truly blessed.

Often I think that when we are going through things we are not able to have a clear picture of the situations because we are to much in them.  Its hard to be open about things when are emotions and feelings are wrapped in them.  Yet, if we can look back on the good and bad and see the blessing from them we are better for them.  I think to often we are so negative about life, experiences, pains, and love that we can't stop and see that each thing we go through has something to offer us.  It might be hard to go through it but think of the strength you have for being able to go through it.  Then next time

Publish Post

a trail comes you will have more strength to go through that one because you got through this one.  We so often do not give ourselves enough credit for who we are or what we can do.  We so often down play the things we do and not see the strength and abilities we have because of them or for them.  We say oh I am just a mom or a student or a wife but forget to look that the strength that we have for doing them.  The greatness in us that we are hardly ever seen in us by us.  I am seeing more and more each day in me that I am great and there is nothing wrong with me being great.  If you don't think that I am as great as I think I am that is just fine. I don't live my life for you.  I am stronger than you know. I am happier because I can be.  I do because I can.  I am because God made me and he doesn't make mistakes.  Thank you God for all that I am and all that I have learned and gone through.

Somedays are a taste of Heaven.

So I just finished two more classes and got A's in both!! You have no idea how proud I am of myself right now.  One teacher I was so scared of because I am not good at writing and she is an A++++ in APA and writing.  I got an A out of her class.  This means I can write and I can do this and this is the right thing I am to be doing.  Its such a rewarding feeling.  To KNOW where you are is a good thing and its the right thing. I am so at peace in where I am headed right now. Don't get me wrong its not easy but its right.  It being right is what is giving me the peace I need to continue pushing forward.

Today I misses Dayna once more.  I miss him so much lately.  Today I took Dallin out to ride his bike. He finally got it. He can ride his bike.  Also on Friday I took him swimming and I forgot his floaties so I let him swim with just one and he could do it. Then we took off both and what do you know he can swim.  Yes that is right my little man can swim by himself even in the 9ft area.  :)  I am such a proud momma. I know that Dayna is proud also but I sure wish I could share it with him.   One day, one day all in good time.



I am also getting a lesson on the Lord's timing.  It is all about his timing if I will let it be. Granted I can always make my own choices and have that agency to do so.  Yet, if I will let him direct my path then I will be happier than I ever thought I could be. I always have the right to make my own choices but when I let God help direct me then I end up on the better path or end up there soon than I would all alone.  It really is an amazing thing when I let myself trust and have faith in him.  He knows what I need better than I do.  It is hard and sometimes I fight back wanting to do it my own way.  Then I learn the hard lesson that I should of listened to him in the first place.  I am worried about getting the right job for me right now. I feel that its time for a change and that I need a better paying or full-time job.  I would be happier with a much higher paying part-time job with having to do practicum hours too each week. So part-time would give me time with my son which is always the most important thing to me is TIME with our son. No one can make up for me not spending time with him.  In the end it would eat me alive each day.  So my hunt is for a much higher part-time job so that I can spend time with my son and not have to live with the guilt at the end of the day.  So please pray for me that I will be blessed with the perfect job for me and my situation.  Thanks <3 you all.

What the hey?

So I don't know what it is lately but I miss Dayna I did that whole first year.  I just hurt for him to be here with me.  I miss his laugh, jokes, funny comments, comic book, hero clix, and just his love for me.  I feel like come on Christ can you come already so I can be with the man of my dreams once more.  I feel so blessed to have the chance to be loved by Dayna.  He is the greatest man I have ever met. His love for me, for us was so pure.  I often feel at times not worthy to have his love and guidance in my life.  I know he is never far from us and watches over us often.  Its just that I wish I could at least have him at night time and give him back to God during the day.  It seems far to me, I can share, really I can.  I don't know if I will ever marry once more, or even get to be blessed with more children.  All I know is that whom ever comes into my life has to be willing to share me with Dayna and in the end let me go back to him. So I guess this leave me to just looking at widowers to date.  Then the issues that I have in my head about this whole dating and marrying thing won't be such big issues.  Dayna your the best husband, daddy, and friend that we could ever ask for.  We love and miss you each and everyday.  We can't wait to continue our lives with you in heaven.  xoxoxox  Love, Terri and Dallin

Today's Thoughts

I should be in bed. It is late and I need sleep.  Yet, I had to come and post my thoughts before I go to bed.  I was just laying next to Dallin in bed.  My mind started to wonder off to thinking how just 3 1/2 years ago I was with Dayna.  That Dallin wasn't even one yet and how hard life was but it was still very good.  I just thought wow how I miss Dayna so much still.  Yea its not as hard each day but I do not miss him any less.  Time doesn't change the hurt its just easier to deal with, with more time.  My heart still hurts when I think about Dayna.  I still miss him with each breath that I breath.  The breathing is different now but there is still missing in it. 

I sit and think about how my world stopped the day I lost him.  That its still not turning right but it hard to start once more for Dallin.  For me even.  I never thought I would be where I am today.  Doing what I am and achieving what I am.  I know that Dayna watches over us and that I am blessed.  God does have a special place in his heart for widows.  God grants me so many wonderful blessings that often I forget to say thank you for them all.  I am grateful for each and every one of them.  I know that God watches over us and guides my life.

Dayna how I wish you were still here.  How much I miss just talking to you and cuddling next to you.  You made me feel so loved and treasured.  I know that you loved me more than anything.  I know that we were meant to find each other.  You are my prince and I can't wait to see you once more.  To have you hold me and just kiss away my fears.  I miss you silly jokes.  I miss your smell.  I miss you honey.  It is still hard to breath without.  You will forever be in my heart.  I love you Boo.

way to much

I have been having way to much on my mind lately.  I have been thinking about the past once more.  Then today I lost it on D.  He just said some hurtful things to me in a text message and I responded with mean comments back.  As you can tell there are still some strong feelings between us.  They say you only hurt those you love.  Well I guess that is true. I mean I did love him. Not sure if I still love him.  I do know that I am very, very deeply hurt by him, his actions, his reactions, and some things that his sister has said to me.  I kept trying so hard to hold on to the positives that I gained.  The lesson that I learned from my relationship with him. Yet, in moments like today it is very hard not to wish I was some witch with powers and I could turn him into a toad.  The worse part is now I have to go to bed and say my prayers.  I have to ask for forgiveness from god and one day from D.  The person I was today isn't who I am.  Its this mean person in me that comes out fighting when I am hurting.  I don't know what hurt worse for him to say mean things about me or to confirm that he is with C.  I mean I knew that he had been and that he was very fast after we ended.  Yet, its amazing what you can pretend in your head so that you don't have to pay attention to truth.  This whole situation has been so spiritual hard for me.  I mean what do you do when someone tell you they know they their blessing was talking about me.  That they know that they are to be with you.  That they asked about you when then got it.  Then you get a blessing that says it will be but just endure.  Then it ends like this.  I so badly want to do what is right. I want God to be pleased with me.  I want to be with the person who is right for me.  Yet, now its over so it must not of been that right.  I know, I know we all have our agency.  That the choices we make change what is to be right.  That by making those choice what was right is no longer right.  So if this was how it was all going to end up why tell me that it was to be?  What am I to learn from that?  I mean I would of learned the same lessons that I did whether or not God told me those things.  So why? Do I still have something to learn?  Does it come down to timing and its just not the right time?  How do you walk away from something that was right and not feel like you failed?  Does this make sense to anyone else?  Can anyone else see that I am still hurting even though I am moving on.  That the things this person says and does still gets back to me and still hurts me so deeply.  Am I always going to hurt over this person?  Why can't the feelings that are their just die?  Why do we have to be so mean to each other?  Why do I just want to make him hurt like he hurt me?  I feel so lied to, cheated on, deceived, and used.  I guess since those are the feelings that I feel it makes sense that I am so angry at him.  The thing is that I don't want to be anymore.  I don't want to hate him like I do.  I don't want to feel this guilt inside like I do right now.  I guess I am still young and have much to learn.  I am learning how hard it is to be Christlike.  I am in wonder at Christ and his ability to love and forever everyone.  I am so far from being that perfect.  I am such a weak person. My behavior shows me how much I still have to learn and grow from.

My other thought today is will I ever find another that I truly love and who will love me?  Who will treat me good and not but boundaries on how that love should play out.  Who is willing to accept me for who I am with all my strengths and weakness and love me despite my mistakes.  So many days lately I believe I am never to have another baby, never to get to be held in another mans arms and know that I am truly loved. That I will have to wait until death to feel that love once more.  That Dayna was my one and only chance at that.  That it was so good with him that I have to wait until I am dead to have it once more.  My heart hurts so much.  I know I am not the only person who is struggling right now.  I know that others that I know have doubts and fears.  I know that when I service others it does help the hurt.  Yes I know these things but that still doesn't stop the loneliness or hurt from being there each morning when I wake until I fall asleep.  I am trying to have faith in his plan and know that God loves me so much and just wants me to be happy.  That the road I am on even though its hard and hurts will bring me true joy in the end.  Yet, right now all I can see is that I am weak.  That I have stopped seeing another guy today cause I was not really ready and knew that it was not right.  Some days I wish I could be different and just let go of my faith.  If I could just allow myself to settle for less then I would not be alone.  That just it.  I can't do that.  I know what true love and happiness in a marriage and relationship is like. I want nothing less than what I share with Dayna.


Another piece of me is jealous of others. I see all these cute couples who have someone.  Who are having babies.  Who seem to have it all.  Yea I know what I see is not what is real.  That doesn't matter thought cause it is how I see it.  It is the situation as I am viewing it.  So in a thought it is my reality.  I want to kick people who take for granted what they have.  Who don't tell their loved ones they love them each chance they have.  I lost my soul mate.  God needed him more than Dallin and I did on this earth.  Each day I am reminded that I am alone.  That Dayna is in heaven and I am here raising our son without him.  My heart breaks and even though they say time heals all wounds. I am here to tell you that it doesn't heal them it just makes them easier to deal with.  I feel so weak and not good enough today.  I feel I have let God, and Dayna down in who I am.  That I gave into my hurt and in return hurt someone else.  Am I always going to hurt like this?  Will I ever get that chance to have another baby?  Will I find another who will love me?  I guess right now I am just feeling to much hurt and pain.  I am lonely oh so very lonely tonight.  I am sorry.  Today was very personal.  I hope you all can understand that today I am just hurting inside very much for many different reasons.  I love you all.  hugs