Missing our missing peice :(

Today was fun with my little man.  We went swimming together.  It was so nice and enjoyable.  We are excited to spend the summer break swimming and playing at Seven Peaks (we have season passes).  Today I was bitter that Dayna was watching over us in heaven rather than playing in the water with us.  He is the missing piece of our family right now. I miss him soo much while I am building memories with Dallin and he is not apart of them.  Today I am still sad and missing him.  I have spent more time in bed this weekend than I care to admit to.  Getting up and doing things is hard sometimes. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and you know what I do at times.  Its getting less and less but I still do it.  There are days that are still so very hard for me.  It is true that time does heal things but time never takes the memories away.  I just miss him today. :(                                                            

New beginnings :)

Today I woke up and I just felt like what the crap am I doing?  I mean seriously let go.  He is not coming back.  Even if he did do I really want to live in such a small town where everyone knows you business.  Where you don't have any privacy. Then my other thought was I have a great guy in my life who I have been dating.  I haven't been really fair to him or our relationship cause of not letting go.  He is here and likes me.  He wants to be with me and thinks I am wonderful.  I haven't figured out why he does but he does.  I have kept him at bay partly due to still healing, and not wanting to get hurt once more.  Yet in relationships you get hurt. No one is perfect and pain happens.  It takes work and effort to make a relationship with anyone good.  This guy wants to work at it with me. He keeps coming back even when I have tried to push him away.  So today I decided to let things just go with him.  To stop worrying about the pain and hurt. To just enjoy dating him.  He might end up just being the rebound from D.  Who knows.  I may never marry once more, or get to have more children.  Those are things that I can't answer right now.  I will do my part and if God grants me the chance to marry another then I will. If not I will enjoy the life I have and the joys I get to experience in it.

Lastly thank you D for caring about me.  For being there for me when I needed to learn that I could love another.  Thank you for allowing me to learn that I am able to love another completely and whole.  That I am wanted by another. That there are going to be others in my life who will want to be with me for me. That I have things to offer even though I have issues. I loved being loved by you and in love with you.  I treasure my time with you.  I learn many things about myself and about life.  Thank you for trying so long and hard with me.  Thank you for being you.  Your are such a wonderful man.  You are an amazing father. A very hard worker, dependable, and a good friend.  Thank you for everything.  I mean that really. Thank you

7th Wedding Anniversary

Today was a good day.  I woke up next to my little one and that was a wonderful comfort on this day.  Then we left to go to Idaho at about 1230 today.  We stopped in and saw Grandma and gave her flowers.  She is still a bit tender after her surgery.  We just stayed for a short visit and a nice hug and loves from Grandpa.  It was wonderful to see them.  After I left I thought I should of gotten a blessing from my dad but next time for sure.

Today I thought about my life and where I am at in it.  Where do I want to go.  What do I want out of life and where is it going to take me?  I thought about D some. Yea I was sad that I wasn't camping with him, and his family. It bothered me to think that he most likely took Cass with them.  Yet I believe that just bothered me more cause it was seeing that my dreams with him weren't going to come true.  That the plans we had together just ended up being plans and going to be nothing more.  I saw why his taking Cass out hurt.  It was me in his life for so long.  I had been waiting to be the first person he took out after his divorce or out among his crowd of people.  It ended up being her not me for all of those. I saw today that that had hurt me.  Here I had waited for so long for it to be and then it wasn't me and to make it worse he didn't even want it to be me anymore.  It just showed me today in my thoughts just how committed I was to him and to being with him.  To see that I truly believed and planned to of been with him in time.  Now I am seeing it as it is.  That the chance of it ever being is very, very small.  Almost most completely a no but since I can't see the future I can't say it for sure. I don't know where his or my life will be down the road.  Yet as a good friend today said there are things about D that I was looking for and love.  Those things I will take with me in what I want in who I marry once more. The things that I loved about D are things that I still want in another.  I have never been so hurt, angry, upset, or had so much trouble getting over and past a break up. I guess it just shows that I truly and really loved him completely.  I would of done anything to make it work. I would of done anything to mend things and to of been with him.  As long as it was right.  It was so real and fast.  The memories will always be with me but he no longer loves me.  D hasn't for awhile.  I don't think he ever will allow himself to once more.  Can we ever be friends once more. I don't know.  I have been able to be friends with ex's before but with D I just don't know if that is ever going to be possible. I am a bit scared to go see Dayna.  I am scared to run into him and see him. What would that be like.  Would we be able to say hi or just ignore each other or just walk the other way or even yet start a conversation up with each other.  Sometimes I sit and think yes he still cares for me. He would never tell anyone but I feel that he misses me and wishes we were still friends.  What an interesting story.  Time will tell how the story continues to be written out.

I think about whether or not I will find another or have more children or even have more children in my home.  Maybe my greatest love has already happened and since he was so good and wonderful that is all I get. I have to wait until Christ comes or I die to be able to have that once more.  Dayna loved me so completely.  I know that no matter what I would of done or said he would of forgiven me and still loved me with all his heart. Unlike with Dennis there are no strings with that love.  No control that had to be had by either of us.  It was just a pure and sweet love.  His love for me was so wonderful and sweet.  He loved me so much and so true. I am so blessed to of gotten him for the 4 years that I did.  Once when things were not so good our bishop asked him what he wanted to do.  Did he want to leave me?  Dayna's answer was "No, never I love her and want to be with her, I understand why she upset with me right now and think she should be."  What a great man.  His love was just so pure.  He always was thinking about Dallin and me.  He loved us with all his heart.  He always thought of me and bought me little things.  He would call me just to check in and end with "I love you".  We never missed a day of not telling each other we loved each other. Every phone call ended with I love you.  Today was our 7th wedding anniversary.  This year Dayna would of been 40 years old.  We would of most likely of had or been prego with child number 3.  I would of been gone this far in my education had Dayna not died.  Oh how I miss my life with him. How much I miss seeing him, touching him, kissing him, and just being with him.  I wished more than anything today that I could of spent the day with Dayna.  That we could of spent this day together instead of having him in heaven and me here on earth. Oh how I miss him but I am so grateful that he is still mine forever. That he watches over us.
We took Dayna balloons, flowers, and a card today.  The picture is of Dallin after we set things up.  I wasn't thinking fast enough when Dallin came back and was talking to his dad. I wanted to record it but I wasn't fast enough. I got pictures of it but not a recording of it.  He was so sweet.  Telling his daddy that we came to see him, that he missed him, loved him, and what we brought him.  It was the sweetest thing ever. What sweet memories Dallin and I are making together. How I wish Dayna was still here making them with us.

<3 you all

my head is swimming

Today my head is swimming with thoughts and feelings.  Tomorrow will of been Dayna and my 7th wedding anniversary.  Even at this moment I miss him so much that it physically hurts.  I can feel the pain in my heart.  I miss him and wish more than anything that God granted him to still be with me today. He was my best friend.  He loved my so purely and true.  No matter what mistakes I made he forgave me always.  He carried a special love for me that I have never had before or since.

Lately I have been hurting a lot about things I have done and things that have happened in my life recently.  I never really believed that I could ever fall in love again.  Yea, I would tell people that I believed it but in truth I never really did.  Through the time I was allowed to have D in Dallin and my lives I learned that I can be loved by another and that I can love completely another.  This experience taught me a much needed lesson.  That I can love Dayna and another at the same time and just as much but they are still separate.

Today I unexpectedly hurt after finding out that I was no longer apart of his life.  Granted I have known this for awhile and am trying to move on with another in my life.  Yet, today it hurt when he said he was going camping and it wasn't with me.  That was something we had planned to do together this summer.  I guess it was just a slap into real life that its over.  Its just that I wasn't prepared for it.  I guess I thought I was over him and didn't still care for him.  I can see now that my heart is still connected to him. Why I don't know.  Why I still haven't let go I don't know. Its not like he is ever going to say "hey, I miss you and want to work this out." Then come back into my life.  I guess though in the back of my head I still want that more than anything.

It must be that he was my first love since Dayna.  That experience of a first since is making it harder to let go.  Also still in my head I want to do what is right.  I am having a hard time letting go of something that I felt was so right.  Its like I feel like if I let go completely that I am not following what I know to be right.

So as I sit here thinking about Dayna I sit and think about D and what was and could of been.  I miss talking to Dayna and D.  I miss having them touch me, kiss me, hold me, and just tell me they loved me.  So maybe it more what I miss rather than that I miss him.  I don't know all I know is that I miss them both.  I want them both.  I am lonely and maybe that is where all of this is coming from also. We as human have a need to be loved and love.  Those feelings are something we search for and crave. 

I guess I am just human.  That its going to take me time for really be able to let go.  That I can't expect myself to be over someone that I really, truly with all my heart love. They both lead me to continue to search for what I had with each of them.  To find someone who even though I do dumb and hurtful things and still lovable.  That my good out weight my bad.  That is ready to be with me and just spend time with me working together to us for life.  One day if it is what God has in store for me it will happen.  This current struggle is just God's refiners fire. It is perfecting me into the person I need to become. My life is a lesson on learning to trust completely in God.  To know that when I let go he will direct me where I need to go and who I need to become.

To do list

Today I made Dallin's first appt. with his cardiologist at Primary Children's.  So that is one of the things checked off my to do list.  I will also be applying for 3 adviser positions at UVU this week.  I am most excited to be doing this. I need to find a full time job with benefits.  I don't know how I will do my masters, be a mom, and working full-time but if its what the lords wants me to do then I will.  Life is so crazy.


What else is on my to do list.  School, hunting for a job, working, mommy, dating, and well anything else I am asked to do, check, check, check.  The things that are so much fun to do.  I believe the call it being an adult.  Anyone else sometimes wonder if being an adult should be this hard sometimes? I miss being a child once more. I want to play outside without anything else to think about but having fun and getting dirty..

Today Dallin had such a tender moment.  He said his daddy was in his heart. Then he started to talk to his heart telling me he was talking to his daddy in heaven.  It was one of the sweetest moments.  This Saturday will be Dayna's and my 7 years wedding anniversary.  I miss him so much and just wish he was here to spend the day with.  Why did he have to go and leave me.  I miss my best friend.  The man who loved me with all his heart no matter what I did or said. Who treasured me with all of him and treated me like a princess always.  He loved Dallin and me more than anything else in this life.  We were his world and we feel blessed to be seal to him forever and loved by him.  I miss you honey and love you more than words can say.

What choice to make.

I have a choice to make right now in my life.  Do I do the good thing or do I let that little devil out in me and be mean.  As I sit here writing I want so badly to post mean/truthful things about another person who was in my life.  Yet, the good little Mormon girl in me knows its wrong and I should not.  I sit here thinking well if I ever get called into a position where my past will be looked at and reviewed do I want this situation out there for someone to look at and say look at these bad choices she has made.  She is not a good person and does not deserve this good thing in her life.

Right now its so hard for me to not be mean and hurtful to these people.  They just keep saying such mean and hateful things to me and then I responded with my defenses and am mean back.  I am a better person than this or at least that is what I thought about myself.  I thought I knew how to act in life and not act like a 16 year old.  Yet, right now the choices I am making in regards to this family are not the best ones to make.  I need to stop reacting out of hurt and anger.  I need to turn the other cheek and just love them.  How do I do that.  How do you love people who continue to say such mean and hurtful things to you and about you.  How do you turn the other cheek with these people.  Right now I need God's help to give me the power to just be Christ like.  I don't know how to do it and right now am not even sure I am able to.  All I know is that I have to some how.  Its not about being the better person or even being better than them. Its about doing what I know in my heart to be the right thing.  To make that choice as hard as it is to turn the other cheek.  To just have Christlike love for this family.

To the people who wish to snoop into my life and assume things.  Please stop, your helping to cause hurtful feelings.  Your assuming and getting into something you don't really know anything about, is causing the situation to be worse.  Please stop you have won if that is what your after. I am broken and hurting very much.  Please think twice about what you think and relay to others.  Your causing people to hurt who do not deserve it. Please just stop. Thank you.

Life is interesting!

So due to some ex friends being to noisy into my life right now, I have turned my blog into a private invite.  It sad because I like to share what is going on in my life with my friends.  It shouldn't matter but right it does.  So I am now going to turn into a more private person once more.  I have done this a few times in the last few months but always end up breaking out of it cause well lets, just be honest its not me.  Yet due to some people I have several times changed into someone I am not. Becoming more private is one of the things  have changed.

I also still do things cause I am a lonely person.  Not the same lonely I was when I was 22/23.  It's different cause I know what I miss.  I know what its like to be with someone and be happy.  I had a wonderful relationship with Dayna. We were not perfect and we did have fights but we had such wonderful blessings.  We always ended our conversations with each other with "I love you".  He died with me knowing that I was loved so much by him.

Right now I think I miss him more cause I am dealing with school, life, and Dallin's heart condition without him.  Doing the single mom thing (I mean totally single no weekend daddy here) is hard at times. I wonder if what I am doing is right and my partner is not here to discuss this with. To have another who is here with my son as much as I am and then discuss it with him would be a treasure.  Oh how I miss it all.  I do know that I am blessed and watched over by God.  I have many, many wonderful friends and family.  I am grateful to all those who think of us and pray for us. I am very, very blessed and loved.  Thank you all for everything.

Question

Alright so there is this boy that I am interested in.  I have a few reasons that I am interested in him. I think the biggest is that I am just ready to move on from my last relationship.  So my question is.  What do I do to let him know that I am interested.  We don't talk were just facebook friends.  Yet, he just looks like he would be fun to date.  Is it o.k. to be interested in one of your "friends" on facebook?  Is it alright to be that forward and say hey would you like to go to a movie sometime?  Just wanting your thoughts thanks.

Tired, Yet

I am so tired today. I have put myself once more into over load.  I am taking more credits than I should because I want to get done.  I am stressed about school, work, and Dallin.  I feel like I have way to much on my plate but  I don't know what to take off the plate. I feel like all the things I am dealing with are what I should be doing but man I just want to say "It's hard".  I can't complain to much because well what good is it going to do me.  It will not get me any further in life.  So what good is it to complain about it.  I just have to deal with it and find an answer to the problems. 

Last night I did not sleep well.  Man was I ever tired but I could not get comfortable and I felt so lonely in my bed.  I missed Dayna so much this week.  I just wanted him here with me as I started the road with Dallin and his heart condition.  Not having him here to lean on was hard.  It was hard to have to deal with this without my better half.  It made me see that God has more faith in me than I have in myself sometimes.  Yet, as I sat there thinking I saw that if I could not do it I would not be asked to. So with the help of my faith and my Savior even this new trial I can do.  It doesn't mean it will be easy but I know that I have the ability to do it.  That in the end all will me made whole.  That whole might not be in this life but in the one to come but it will happen.

Dallin's test results are in :(

So the doctor's office called me today to tell me Dallin's test results.  Good news is they found things out early bad new is that he has a BICUSPID AORTIC VALVE.  It is the most common defect that people have but it now means I get to spend time with Dallin and the heart doctors. In a nut shell it means his valve did not form right and he has two valves instead of three. In research most cases do end up having to have surgery at some time due to this but I do not know the treatment plan for him yet.  I have am just in the processes of trying to find a good pediatric cardiologist and make a follow up appointment for him.  So the process is just starting instead of just coming to an end like I had prayed.

How I am feeling?  I am scared.  I have been down the heart road with Dayna and lost that battle.  I am scared that I will lose my little man also.  I know that, that happening most likely wont happen but that is my fear.  All I can do is think about how I lost Dayna to this battle and now I get to go through the echo's and eeg's every year with Dallin.  I don't want to do this but I love my son and have no other choice but to do it. I am scared of making the wrong choice of Doctor for Dallin. I will just have to pray and follow my heart in my making that choice. 

So now you all know the outcome and how I am feeling about it.  My world is just a little bit more stressed now but I know God is there and will watch over us and bless us.  What will be will be and we just have to have faith.  My little man is strong and he can make it through anything.  Thank you for all you love and prayers.  <3 Terri and Dallin

Dallin's Echo

Well today was an interesting day for Dallin and I. Today Dallin was put under for his echo and EEG.  I was sooo nervous.  This was the first time he had been put under.  I have been needing to get this test done for 4 years but either I had been dealing with Dayna's heart problems or was to scared to do it.  All I can say is that fear is a really hard thing to get over.

We left the house at 730 this morning cause we had to be at primary children's at 830.  It was my first time ever going there.  I was a bit lost but we found our way in time.  The nurse Mindy was wonderful with Dallin.  She first thought a mild sedation would be the way to go.  I as mother  quickly said no to that idea.  Mindy agreed in the end that it was good to just put him out.  It took 100 cc to put him under enough that he wasn't still awake.  The echo and EEG took about 45 mins to get done.  Then up to recovery we went to wait an hour and 15 mins for them to be able to wake him up.  Yet like his mother he takes more to be put out and it doesn't last as long.  SO...... 20 mins early my little man woke himself up.  Man was he ever wiggly.  He just kept coming in and out it. It was a joy (not!).  Mom kept getting kicked and punched by little man.  It was a good that his grandma was there cause I couldn't have done it with out her.  She helped get him dressed, clothed, and ready to go. 

My little man kept trying to get away and walk by himself but it was like he was a drunken sailor.   He was so wobbly.  It was cute to watch but hard to deal with.  He just kept wiggling and wiggling. I didn't know which way he was going. One min he was a wake and the next he was asleep or out of it. It was like the lights were on but he wasn't there at times.  So anyways we went to lunch after we left the hospital.  It was starting to be a very good lunch and a nice time with grandma. Other than the kicks and jabs from Dallin.  Then all of the sudden Dallin lost all that was in his tummy. All over grandma, mommy, and our lunch.  So off to the restroom we went to get all cleaned up. I felt so badly for the lady who had to clean up our mess at the restaurant.

Well so our day ended up rather interesting to say the least.  I over came a fear that I had, had for over 3 years.  I was able to spend time with my mother and Dallin was well cared for my some wonderful nurses. Mindy, Kristen, and Nicole were so dear and wonderful to us.  They really know how to treat you at primary childrens hospital. I am still a bit nervous because the result will not be to me until Monday.  So I still have a few days that I have to wait but over all it was a good experience.  I feel that I am a stronger person and a better mother.  Today was a hard but very good day.  I love my family and my little man so much.  I was wonderful to see the special bond Dallin is creating with his grandma.  She was so tender with him today. Thank you to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers.

life always teaches you something

Well this past few months have been very hard for me spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I have lost so many things in my life right now that mattered to me that I did not think I could handle losing. I lost friends, someone I loved, a role model to my son, blessings, time, and myself. I don't think all of these things are going to be lost forever but for now they are not apart of my life. Each thing I lost I cared about deeply but I see now that I can not control everything. That sometimes letting go is the only way you can really have what you want. Also I have learned that I don't have to try to have so much control in my life. If I let God have more control then I will be happier in the end. I am sure in time all things that I have lost I will get back and even more. Those things that I do not get here in this life will be made well in the life after.

Right now for the first time in a few months I am not fighting a internal battle with myself. I feel that my life is right where it needs to be. That there are friends that I need to make and have here in Utah right now. I would love to be closer to Idaho but that is not where I am to be right now. Later maybe, maybe not. I am making many new self discoveries about myself. I am learning, growing, and becoming the person that God would have me become. I have been making some wonderful new friends. I have started to hang out with the lds widow/widowers group and they are a true blessing to me right now. I am so thankful to them and their kindness in welcoming me into their group.

The relationship that I was in for the last oh I don't 7 months or so has come to a end. Its been hard for me to let go of something that I felt was so right. To have to let go and just live my life without this person in it. He mattered so much to my son and I. I don't know if our friendship will ever be able to mend. Sometimes you just can't go back to just friends once you have been more to each other. Yet, I am so thankful to this person. Through my relationship with him I was able to learn that I can love another. It was different than what I have with Dayna but it was true love still. I learned that there is someone wonderful for me to find once more on this earth. When or who I don't know yet but I look forward to the journey to discover it.

I am thankful for my Savior. For his love and all he has done for me. I am so amazed at the love he has for me and my life. I am grateful that God blesses me and proves ways for me to stay on the path back to him. I don't know which way is up sometimes but I always know that God is there and will guide my life if I but let him. He knows the pain I carry in my heart and the mending that I need in my life. He loves me more than I can even understand. The church is true and I know it. I know where my feet stand and how firm my foundation is. I am very, very blessed in my life. Thank you God for all that I have.