My weekend of Crap but finding good in it anyways.

So my weekend hasn't been the best one for me.  It started off with my dad going into the hospital to have two stunts put in.  They weren't planned and I didn't even know he was having testing done.  So it came as a big shock for me.  Two things here I don't do well with one my dad in the hospital and second have them do things to his heart.  So that left me on edge on Friday just a BIT.  Then Saturday I get an Facebook email to look at my sister-in-laws status to find out my father-in-law was dying.  Issue here beside that he was dying and a kind old man. I don't do death well with anyone close to me.  I haven't since Dayna died.  It send me into a tailspin every time.  I have only been to one funeral since his death and always find some good reason not to go to them cause even at that one I cried my eyes out and was a emotional wreck.  Did I say that I just don't do death at ALL?  Then to top off my weekend I had a bad day at church.  Normally I love church but today was just not a good day.  I know that what was said was meant well but it came out hurtful and just sent me into tears for the rest of the day.  I know that my son is difficult at times, with a short attention span, and need extra attention that.  I also am very aware as he is when people don't really like him, want him around, or are bother by him.  That was the experience today.  That he just wasn't wanted.  I had already been emotionally drained this week, feel like so often I am not doing the best job as a parent, and that I am a burden to my ward.  So the comment that was to mean well but said in a way that you knew was not with love.  Just hurt me to my core today.  Nothing was harder than trying to explain to my son that he wasn't being good enough or sit still enough while the whole time he was saying.  Mommy I was trying to be good.  Mommy I will be good please let me go back.  I was able to make to the door to leave church before the tear came pouring out of my eyes.  Then for the next 9 hours almost with only a few hours in between of none. 

Don't get me wrong I know that this person did not mean to hurt me.  That she was not prepared or trained at working with children like my son.  I also know that even to me he can be difficult to handle and I need a break.  Its just that today was not the day for all of this.  It was like they say it was the icing on the cake that sent me over.  Its hard to know that the primary at time has talked about my son and that he is seen as the difficult child.  Yet, its just as hard to send him somewhere he loves that just really truly in their hearts doesn't want him there or thinks it would just be easier if he wasn't there.  I am very protective of him.  So him hurt today just made my hurt worse.  He tries to do what is right and be good. It is just SO hard for him to sit still and pay attention when it doesn't keep him stimulated.  He need consistency.  He lives for consistency and stability in his life.  Without it he is like a sinking ship.

So right now I am just emotionally on empty.  I feel drained and not good enough.  That as a single mother I am just not able to do it all.  Now don't get me wrong I know that its not true but that is just how I feel right now.  I am very blessed to have wonderful home teachers to come and giving me a blessing that helped me so much.  To have to great men who care over me and my son. I am truly blessed.  I also know that through this struggle I will grow and become stronger.  That it is one of those test that I need to go through to become better.  I also know that the comment that sent me over was not meant to hurt me.  I know that I have prayer and that God not only listen and hears my prayers but most importantly he answer each of them. I also want to say how wonderful of a son I have.  He truly is such a lovely, caring, smart, and energetic child.  His ability to love everyone no matter what is what I wish I was more able to do.  His sweet innocence makes him such a joy to parent.  He laugh heals me and is so powerful to me as a mother.  He love church, primary, the scriptures, and praying so much.  He knows Jesus.  He is so cute when he does things only because he see me doing them and want to be like me.  He wants to please people and hates feeling like he is in trouble.  His love is infectious and such a treasure to have.  I am so blessed that he calls me mom, or momma (never mommy). He loves to learn you can see that twinkle in his eyes when he is learning and he LOVES it.  I love you Dallin and am so grateful and blessed to call you my son.  I will always love you no matter what.  Your a true joy to me and my life.  Thank you for loving me and being my son.