way to much

I have been having way to much on my mind lately.  I have been thinking about the past once more.  Then today I lost it on D.  He just said some hurtful things to me in a text message and I responded with mean comments back.  As you can tell there are still some strong feelings between us.  They say you only hurt those you love.  Well I guess that is true. I mean I did love him. Not sure if I still love him.  I do know that I am very, very deeply hurt by him, his actions, his reactions, and some things that his sister has said to me.  I kept trying so hard to hold on to the positives that I gained.  The lesson that I learned from my relationship with him. Yet, in moments like today it is very hard not to wish I was some witch with powers and I could turn him into a toad.  The worse part is now I have to go to bed and say my prayers.  I have to ask for forgiveness from god and one day from D.  The person I was today isn't who I am.  Its this mean person in me that comes out fighting when I am hurting.  I don't know what hurt worse for him to say mean things about me or to confirm that he is with C.  I mean I knew that he had been and that he was very fast after we ended.  Yet, its amazing what you can pretend in your head so that you don't have to pay attention to truth.  This whole situation has been so spiritual hard for me.  I mean what do you do when someone tell you they know they their blessing was talking about me.  That they know that they are to be with you.  That they asked about you when then got it.  Then you get a blessing that says it will be but just endure.  Then it ends like this.  I so badly want to do what is right. I want God to be pleased with me.  I want to be with the person who is right for me.  Yet, now its over so it must not of been that right.  I know, I know we all have our agency.  That the choices we make change what is to be right.  That by making those choice what was right is no longer right.  So if this was how it was all going to end up why tell me that it was to be?  What am I to learn from that?  I mean I would of learned the same lessons that I did whether or not God told me those things.  So why? Do I still have something to learn?  Does it come down to timing and its just not the right time?  How do you walk away from something that was right and not feel like you failed?  Does this make sense to anyone else?  Can anyone else see that I am still hurting even though I am moving on.  That the things this person says and does still gets back to me and still hurts me so deeply.  Am I always going to hurt over this person?  Why can't the feelings that are their just die?  Why do we have to be so mean to each other?  Why do I just want to make him hurt like he hurt me?  I feel so lied to, cheated on, deceived, and used.  I guess since those are the feelings that I feel it makes sense that I am so angry at him.  The thing is that I don't want to be anymore.  I don't want to hate him like I do.  I don't want to feel this guilt inside like I do right now.  I guess I am still young and have much to learn.  I am learning how hard it is to be Christlike.  I am in wonder at Christ and his ability to love and forever everyone.  I am so far from being that perfect.  I am such a weak person. My behavior shows me how much I still have to learn and grow from.

My other thought today is will I ever find another that I truly love and who will love me?  Who will treat me good and not but boundaries on how that love should play out.  Who is willing to accept me for who I am with all my strengths and weakness and love me despite my mistakes.  So many days lately I believe I am never to have another baby, never to get to be held in another mans arms and know that I am truly loved. That I will have to wait until death to feel that love once more.  That Dayna was my one and only chance at that.  That it was so good with him that I have to wait until I am dead to have it once more.  My heart hurts so much.  I know I am not the only person who is struggling right now.  I know that others that I know have doubts and fears.  I know that when I service others it does help the hurt.  Yes I know these things but that still doesn't stop the loneliness or hurt from being there each morning when I wake until I fall asleep.  I am trying to have faith in his plan and know that God loves me so much and just wants me to be happy.  That the road I am on even though its hard and hurts will bring me true joy in the end.  Yet, right now all I can see is that I am weak.  That I have stopped seeing another guy today cause I was not really ready and knew that it was not right.  Some days I wish I could be different and just let go of my faith.  If I could just allow myself to settle for less then I would not be alone.  That just it.  I can't do that.  I know what true love and happiness in a marriage and relationship is like. I want nothing less than what I share with Dayna.


Another piece of me is jealous of others. I see all these cute couples who have someone.  Who are having babies.  Who seem to have it all.  Yea I know what I see is not what is real.  That doesn't matter thought cause it is how I see it.  It is the situation as I am viewing it.  So in a thought it is my reality.  I want to kick people who take for granted what they have.  Who don't tell their loved ones they love them each chance they have.  I lost my soul mate.  God needed him more than Dallin and I did on this earth.  Each day I am reminded that I am alone.  That Dayna is in heaven and I am here raising our son without him.  My heart breaks and even though they say time heals all wounds. I am here to tell you that it doesn't heal them it just makes them easier to deal with.  I feel so weak and not good enough today.  I feel I have let God, and Dayna down in who I am.  That I gave into my hurt and in return hurt someone else.  Am I always going to hurt like this?  Will I ever get that chance to have another baby?  Will I find another who will love me?  I guess right now I am just feeling to much hurt and pain.  I am lonely oh so very lonely tonight.  I am sorry.  Today was very personal.  I hope you all can understand that today I am just hurting inside very much for many different reasons.  I love you all.  hugs