I haven't blogged in FOREVER.  Well time to play catch up on the Moser's.  In Aug we moved from our condo in Utah to renting a 3 bedroom condo in Pinetop, AZ.  We moved here because I got a job working at Rainbow Treatment Center as a Marriage and Family Therapist.  The move was hard and LONG.  What should of taken a total of 3 days took a total of 8 days.  We were 2 hours out of our new home when my car broke down.  I was able to get it to a safe place but then we had to take a 3 hour drive at 12 at night to Flagstaff, AZ to get it fixed.  We are adjusting to Pinetop and how SMALL it is here.  I don't really have any friends here yet.  Well one but she has much on her plate and I am not sure how much time she has on her plate to hang out much.   Marci is an amazing women.  She does so well taking care of my little man.  She is so helpful to me and I am blessed to have her in our lives.  Dallin LOVES going to her house and each day I pick him up he asks me to "talk longer" so he can play longer. 


I love my new job.  It is an adjustment working on the reservation but it is enjoyable.  The be way to explain it is that it is "another world" or a "3rd world country" even though it is only 30 mins from my house.  I enjoy the conversations that I am having with the women I work with.  I seem to be fitting in well but I am sure they do not trust me as much as I think they do or that I do not fit in as well as I think I do in my head. 

Dallin started kindergarten this year and Mrs. Kuntson is his teacher.  He loves to learn, read, learn, and do homework.  I keep wondering when this will get old and he will start to hate school, hate to learn, and hate to do homework.  He has been growing once more.  His shoes from this summer would not fit his feet when it got to cold to wear sandals.  So for about a week he went to school with socks and sandals. I was very embarrassed but at least I learned to next time buy shoes before moving for the new school year. 

As for my new job.  Things are going well. I really like it.  It keeps me busy for the most part.  There is a lot of room to grow. I am allowed to grow in my own way and areas that I want to.  That I get to go to the training that I feel will best help me.  That I am able to do therapy my way and not someone else's or by a model that is not true to me.  I have a job where the growth that I want to make is very able for me.  I enjoy working with the couples and soon the families on the tribe as well. I am lucky and blessed to have this job.  It is a challenge and hard but it is very worth it.  I will have to add some photos to this blog of our life here in Pinetop, AZ.

To the best Father.

Dayna is the best father that I could of ever asked for in our life.  He was 100% plus apart of Dallin's and my life.  He worked hard, and cared even harder for us.  He took such good care of us.  I miss him so so  much.  I wish more than anything that Dayna was here to help me raise our son.  That with his help I know that I could be an even better parent than I am.  He was my equal in every way.  Each day I think of him and miss him so much.  The tears in my eyes form because I want him to be here with us. I know he is being the best father from heaven.  He keeps me going forward.  He guides, and directs me from heaven.  My son reminds me of him each time I look at him.  I know that is part of my I love my son so much.  That the love I have for Dallin is stronger than it would of been because of Dayna.  This father's day I am grateful for the 4 years I got with Dayna.  I can't wait to spend my forever with him.  As strange as it is I can't wait for the second coming.  I know that when I die Dayna will be there waiting to welcome me home with the love that I know we share.

Somethin to say about something learned.

So everyone who reads this knows I am a young widow.  That off and on throughout my 4 years I have thoughts about getting married, falling in love once more, and living the rest of my earthly life in haven until I can be with Dayna once more.  Well see the problem is that I am so lonely, and wanting more out of my life for the next 50+ years that I can get lost in words without actions.  Now if your my friend Steven you will be telling me man your jumping the gun here give the boy sometime.  True I could be jumping the gun, yet I don't believe I truly am.  Now the situation that I am in is mostly my fault.  I let my guard down.  My want to be wanted and loved, once more far out played my smarts in my head.  There is this boy and I really am interested in him.  When talking with him he seems to have many of the things I am looking for.  Strong in the church, mission, married in the temple, hold current recommend, widowed, wants more children, and feels it time to start dating once more.

So we chatted online, he asked for a photo, I sent him one (oh ya we met through lds mingle).  He told me "OMG your cute!".  I laughed said thank you and went on with the conversation.  He asked if I had skype, I said no but could learn it if he would be patient while I learned.  So after the first chat I went on and added a Skype account, I e-mailed it to him and he e-mailed back.  He said "I got in late can we do it tomorrow."  Well tomorrow would not work for me cause I had things to do.  Two days later he added me to Skype but still nothing.  Then Monday I got an e-mail asking me to set up a Skype time to chat.  So we worked out a time and that night chatted.  We talked away.  Through out the conversation he told me how cute I was, how attracted he was to me, and how interested he was in me.  So then we e-mailed and I told him I was thinking about him, he told me he was had been thinking about me all day long.  Now in the course of this he told me we would go out when he got back in town next.  That was to be Wednesday.  Well then nothing.  NO call, no follow through, no anything.  Ya I tried to make him seem nice and said he contacted me and would make it up to me.  Yet, in truth nothing, he hasn't contacted me since Tuesday.  The dumb thing is that I learned I wanted to believe him, I wanted him to truly be interested in me and it not be just a line of crap.  Now true he is a US air Marshal and busy but you would think if he truly was interested he would answer my e-mail, text, or call something.  Yet, nothing not a thing from him.  So I am giving up.  I say it was just a line to see how fair I would take it and to help him not feel lonely those few nights.  Could I be wrong?  Sure but do I think that I am?  NO.  So I am giving up Steven once more and just going to focus on getting a job WHERE EVER I can get one, no matter the state (well within reason).  So now you know my mistake.  I wanted to be wanted so much that I believe a line of crap.  That it was just about some lonely guy who needed attention those days and I gave it.  I doubted him many times through out our conversations but he said he really was and it didn't make sense why I didn't believe him.  Well I think he just was lonely and needed  some attention from a girl and I fit the bill.  Anyways lesson learned and goodnight.

What I have learned in the last 4 years....

I was promised in a blessing when he died that I would know the reason for it. After 4 years I think I got that figured out. I have finished my ungrad, walking Sat for my master's as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I would of NEVER walked this path had I not lost him. I miss him tons and hate being a single mother (one 5 year old boy who REALLY wants a brother and a sister). Yet, I know this is what God ALWAYS wanted for me even my PB talks about it, I just couldn't see it until I lost my world. My life experiences make me a good therapist. I am connect with many people because of my life experiences. I choose to see the good not the bad. I try hate to stay positive cause negative just leads to depression. I can truly say losing my husband was my greatest struggle, test of faith, but has been my TRUEST blessing. I KNOW God is as really as you and I. I didn't know that before he left me. I KNOW he watches over me and blesses me. That he has a very speacil relationship with widows that is different than all others. I KNOW I can do anything I put my mind to with his help. I KNOW that even though Dayna died after just 4 years together it will all be made up to me on the other side. I KNOW that every struggle I go through can bring me blessings if I try to see them in the mist of my HELL so to speak. Lastly I KNOW that even though Dayna died that his job as a husband, and father have not ended, that even from the other side he is completely these jobs. Just in a different way then he could do here on earth.

http://youtu.be/I35_B_5htnI

Mind heaven help me

Alright all I can say is that I REALLY miss Dayna.  I just want to have him near me once more and yet he can't be.  My life in part, and don't get me wrong here I LOVE my life.  It is just that a huge part of the meaning behind it is gone.  I keep living, going, and finding joy with Dayna but it so not complete.  I know part of me is missing.  It is true that grief is hard and we each take our own path in it.  I just miss my boo.  I miss him SO much that my heart aches for him.  I know his family didn't think I really loved him, or was worthy of him.  The thing is that isn't even true or even close to the truth.  I LOVE AND MISS him so much.   The ache my heart has for my missing piece hurts.  It is like I don't care about things that I use to.  I did things because of him, for him.  Now I do them for Dallin but that is not the same.  I just keep pushing ahead but I don't want to anymore.  I am SO ready for Christ to come once more and to be with Dayna for forever.  I am hurting tonight just like so many other days of my life since he passed away.

On my mind.

I have a lot of things going through my head right now.  There is a big part of me that is ready to move on with my life.  The problem with this?  I am not fully done with my degree and I do not yet have a job.  I feel like good things are coming my way but the problem is that they ALL are on hold until school is done and mostly until I have a job.  There is part of me that feels ready to date and be serious about it. Yet the problem with that is that I do not know fully where I will be once I have a job.  Right now one of the best things going for me is that I can go ANYWHERE for a job.  I don't have ties, family, spouse, or any of those things that people stay for in my life right now.  So how do you move forward in your life when something as simple as finishing your degree and getting a job is holding you back?  I am sure this is all just a timing thing.  That when the blessings I see coming into my life will be there but it is still a "just not yet" idea.  I still have a few months to think, ponder, and pray about where I should go next.  Tomorrow night I am going to the Mt. Timp temple.  Maybe while I am there I will have a answer or two about the things that are on my mind.  I have to say right now I am thinking about things that I didn't even know I wanted to think about or even that I wanted in my life.  Guess it is just time for some process, process, process..... ;)

Were all Normal trust me

So I this morning I was sitting at work.  Reading emails, looking at facebook, and just sitting here, when all of the sudden GRIEF hits me HARD.  It was out of no where.  There was no reason for it like, a photo, memory, or something like that.  It was just there and it just HURT.  I just sat here at my window trying so hard to not cry.  I just sat here hurting, hurting really bad cause I miss him.  I miss my life with him.  I miss what I thought we would have by now in our lives but the biggest reason is I JUST MISS DAYNA.  Right now even after 4 years it still hurts like it was yesterday.  My heart literally hurts in my chest.  Times like this have no warning, so you can prepare for them.  They are sudden without reason and they just HURT.  In an hour or two it wont hurt so badly like it does right now.

Anyone who has lost someone know what I talking about. Anyone who has gone through grief knows what is like.  If your new to this whole grief process, let me tell you, you are normal, what your going thorugh is normal.  That there is not time limit on your griefing process.  There isn't a time when you have to stop grieving or as some say "that you should be over it".  Grief is a sign of love.  It means someone you once cared about is gone from your life in whatever form that they left it.  That you miss them and are allowed to miss them.  That you can expect the unexpected to happen at times when your not prepared for it to be there.  I hope you can find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.  That others are going through this battle right along with you.  Yes, I call it a battle because of how much it hurts and what it takes out of you to come out of it each time.  It is a battle to not let it take you over and for you to come back from it. Also know that you truly are NEVER alone. Jesus is there he knows and feels your pain right along with you.  He will send his comforter to you if you but ask for it.  Angels are there and ready to minister to you during your time of need.  NEVER FORGET THIS. My you have comfort in knowing you are Normal and not ALONE.

changes along the way to better me :D

I PROMISE I will blog about St. George this weekend.  So I have been doing therapy and I really, really love it.  The promise is my focus hasn't been the best always in session.  I have been a bit distracted or at least easily distracted.  So I have decide to go on a ADD medication small dose and see if that will help me out.  Hey it might even help me lose my want to eat all the time too.  I just need to full be there for my clients and I feel like I have been having a hard time wtih that 100% in sessions back to back to back to back...... You get the point. 

Theother thing is that I have been a bit um grumpy well not grumpy but umm...short fused by the end of the day.  I don't really feel really depressed but it am very short fused throughtout the day.  So now I am going to go back on a medication for that and see how that works to help.  Like I said its not the I want to stay in bed, I don't do anything, I am sad, or that part of depression its just SHORT FUSED.  So I being a fan of medication when it is needed (and I believe it is needed for me) for me to be the very best at who I am and will be in life and going to start back up on that too.

So that is what is happening to me in my life right now.  Life is good, busy, and I am very happy with how things are playing out in my life.  I know that I will be able to find a job very fast once I am done with school and that it might mean that I move or I might stay right where I am for a while too.

what am I doing????

So there is the friend of mine that I have known almost for 4 years now.  I said I was going to say goodbye cause "he's just not into me."  Well I broke down and was chatting with him last night.  Then we got into things and then........ He asked me to please give him time to figure out what just happened between us.  So me doing what I do best I said.  I can be patient and give you time to think.  I didn't even put a cap on the time that he had to work things out in his head.  WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING.  I need to just walk away but I can't or at least I wont let myself.  What am I doing?  Or better yet why am I doing this?  I just need to wash that man right out of my hair.  I just wish I could but I made a promise and I will hold to it for now.  Sweet Dreams everyone. :D

Leap of faith

So this weekend I took a leap of faith.  I jumped the fence on a friendship/relationship to the other side.  I couldn't even tell him I was leaving I just sent an email saying I had to leave for a while.  I don't know if I will return in this persons life ever but for now I need distance.  It's hard cause he is one of my god friends, who knows everything about me.  Yet, the problem is when I was watching "he's just not that into you."  It made me see that he is just not that into me like I want out of someone I am with.  Everything in our friendship is on his terms.  I can't do this, I need to just walk.  The sad thing is as I wrote the email I the whole time I was just hoping he would make an effort to show me I really mattered.  As my widower friend and I have decided this dating thing SUCKS!!!! 

I had a wonderful time with the sister missionaries tonight.  It was just wonderful to visit with them and to have them in our home today.  It was just wonderful and we had a wonderful time.  It was so an amazing night or just chatting.  It was all nice and they were the best. :D  God does bless us in amazing ways that we don't even know all of them. I love raising Dallin and he is getting so big.  Each day he gets older and older away from the baby he once was.  I little man is growing up. 

I don't know what life is going to bring me in the next 8/9 months.  All I know is that I am going in the direction that I should be.  I just wish I could get a small glimpse as to what is to come of my life.  where I am going, what I am doing, who I am with, where I am working,  anything really. I mean come on can't I get a little view?   All good, I am blessed and watched over.  This whole journey I am on right now is a leap of faith.  I just keep moving forward to end up where God wants me.  At times I just want to run around and around until I pass out.  It is hard to know just what I am doing and where else God me to do and learn but I will do it.  I will continue to take that leap of faith.  I will keep going until the end of time.  We will see where I go and what I  will do will and what I will become.  Life is just a nice big LEAP OF FAITH.

What is going on.......

So a few people in my inner circle have heard me talk about Bryce. He is a widower whose wife died in a car wreck; she was also pregnant with their twin girls.  In a few hours he lost his world.  His whole world.  This event has taken him a very, very long time to get healthy from.  He still isn't healthy from it and he will be the first to admit that to me.  So I guess this blog is more for me to work some things around my head. 

Bryce is my best friend.  In a very odd and strange way cause we have not met in 3 1/2 years just instant message each other.  There isn't anything we don't know about each other.  The only other person I shared that with is Dayna.  We both have helped each other heal in this journey.  We have a very strong connection but it’s within boundaries.  It started with his boundaries, and his rules about our friendship.  Yet, now it is turning into my boundaries and my rules.  He is trying so hard to be respectful, thoughtful, kind, caring, and just trying.  It is noticeable to.  

He asked me the other night  "Terri, what do you want from this?'  All I could say was "I don't know."

Still after a week and half thinking about this question, I still do not know.  There is a part of me that knows what I want but is scared that I will get hurt if I tell him.  Part of me says, "Terri, you know you don't want this you want more." Then I stop and think about the last 3 1/2 years.  There is SO MUCH there.  I truly care about him.  I can't even tell you the change that is coming over him.  It is amazing, I think he is AMAZING.  I just don't want to get hurt and with Bryce there have been times when I got hurt.  We have tried to say goodbye to each other 3 times and each time we come back to each other.  Closer and sharing more and more getting closer and closer to each other, well as much as you can without meeting.  

Right now he is the last person I chat with before bed.  When he asks me to stay and not go yet, I listen and stay.  When I say "doesn’t go yet” he stays too.  AuGh!!!!  What am I letting go on here.  I have kept my distance from men since Dennis.  I told myself I was not going to do something once more out of loneliness.  Dennis was TOTALLY out of loneliness and attention.  So in my head I wonder is this the same thing.  Am I doing this cause of that?  Am I letting him in, and I admit it I am letting him in, cause I am lonely.  Or cause it’s been a year since Dennis and I kind of get involved with someone about once a year?  Is that what I am doing?  OR................

Is it just about time and this time it is time.  I have to say on my side that things in my life are finally to a point that I can look at something more than school, and my son.  School is pretty much done and I don't have to worry about a distraction ruining that for me. Is this the time now cause he seeing someone for his loss to work through it.  Does it mean something that I know he cares about me but the walls aren't as high as they have been before?  

I think I know what I want.  I just want to not have to answer that question right now.  I want to let our friendship just go where it will.  To not let the fears we have to hold it backs, but not let something happen and have to be a certain way.  Does that mean I think this is what will be, or what is best or right.  To that I say. "I don't know."  What I can tell you is that I care for him, I want him to be happy, I am proud of the man he is, and the one he is becoming, I am amazing at who he is and for his love that he has for his family, for the respect he has for his parents, for the hard working man he is, for his apologizes that he gives and truly means, for his acceptance of me for me, for his encouragement in me to do all that I have, for his friendship, for his honesty with me, for him knowing me better than I give him credit for.  So will we date?  I don't know but I know that I am not worried about the will or won't.  I have a very strong belief that I am going down the right road that God has for me.  If that is to have Bryce in my life as more than what we have then when the time is right that will happen.  If not we'll figure that out and know that too.  I just don't want to have to answer yes or no, or that I have to say I want this or that, or even have to know how I feel right now.  Right now I just want life to take it course and I am very blessed to have him in my life as I do.

Growing older.

It is Febuary so that means it is time to get Dallin register for Kindergarten.  My little man is now going to be in public school part time of his dad away from me.  It just gets my thoughts going about how much my little man is going up.  He is such a smart little boy, who tries really hard to do what is right, always reminds me to say our prayer (dinner time is his time to say it).  He loves the gospel and church.  I must be doing something right in how I am raising him cause he loves the church, his family, his friends, his dad, and me.  Here are some pictures of my little man growing up through the years.  Enjoy seeing him grow up in these last 5 years.

Missing him SO much right now

That horrible day is getting closer this week.  I just want to skip Saturday, make it not even happen.  I am a mess in my head, everything makes me cry buckets, and I just hurt.  I miss Dayna so much that I just cry.  Right now I wish more than anything he was here.  I am going away for this weekend in hopes that being around some important people will make my hurt less painful.  I know some of you think I should hurt this much, or that I am just being over drama but sorry I do.  So as it gets closer, less and less I will be able to be in contact with.  Dayna I love you and miss you so much.... This is that time when from here on out I will be away from you more than I was allowed to be with you.

Dallin

So I haven't made a Dallin post in a while.  It is time and so needed for me to get everyone all caught up on him.  Well what hasn't changed with my son..... Well he is still growing like crazy, in the feet area the most.  I still am buyinghim new shoes every 3-6 months and that is with skipping the half sizes too.  He loves to laugh, see his best friend (our relief socety president), see Esther Lawton , loves daycare, LOVES to learn.  Dallin is in the top of both of his preschool classes.  He loves to learn, read, discover, a bit OCD in needing to be perfect in what he does, and he is just plan smart.  I don't know where the kid gets it from, well yea I do his dad was way smart too.  Don't get me wrong I am not saying I am not smart, I am just not smart like this.I have to work at it and he just gets it naturally. 

I decided this year under some great doctor, teacher, and talking that it was a good time to start Dallin on some medication for his ADHD.  The first round choice I didn't feel right about but the doctor really thought it was the best choice.  So I went with her choice.  The side effects were over emotional, and he wouldn't eat.  For a little man who already is skinny this was something that wasn't good.  In 2 months he lost 4 lbs.  So we change to the generic of Ritilin.  It is working much better.  He has to talk the first dose in when he wakes up and the second by 11 am.  It is letting him still be busy Dallin but in a more focused way.  He is able to sit still, focus on the task he needs to, he is able to not be so distracted and ramble on in his talking.  He in short has helped to slow him down but still be HIM.  This was very important cause I did not want to lose him, or drug him down.  He still has some behavioral issues but most of that is adjustable with a strong rule.  He needs teachers, parents, and daycare to be very firm in their bounderies with him.

Dallin is the light of my world.  He is VERY caring of others and me.  He is becoming a respectable young man who open doors for me and others.  Who tell me "It'll be o.k. momma"  when I am sad or have a hard day. He always reminds me to read scriptures and stories before bed time.  He loves to pray and reminds me to pray with our meals.  He is a good kid.  One who is treasure to have around and to be raising.  I am so grateful he is my little man.

Our story.

So many of my friends know about how Dayna and I got together but some of you don't.  So this post is for those of you who don't know the story or who don't know the entire story..........

I had been working at McDonald's just after I had returned from my "go on a mission", this really was just going for a week, leaving cause I was in love with someone else, knowing that even if that relationship didn't workout that there was a little girl who needed to come to my family and that I was not to go on a mission but to go get married.  How crazy my life all felt in Oct-Nov when my relationship that I left the MTC for had totally fallen apart and wasn't going to happen was over. I was left lost and confused, hurt, mixed, and lonely.  I knew I was to get married but I didn't seem to have a man to be my husband.  That is kind of a HUGE problem.

Well I was unhappy at McDonald's knew I was worth more than what I was making and so I went looking for a new job.  I found one too.  Wendy's.  Hey it still wasn't my dream but it was BIG bucks, great benefits, and away from the person who just broke my heart once more (he has been a pattern for him in my life).  So I gave my notice.  In the process of this I had developed a good friendship with a girl named Shannon Glass.  Well since I quit she said to me "There is no way I am staying at that hell hole, if you’re leaving."  So she went and got a job at TGI Friday's.

Well we would hang out, text (she says I taught her how to text), and have fun together. During this time she would tall me about this boss of hers that I should come meet.  I wasn't sure about it so I just brushed it off.  Come to find out Dayna was doing the same thing too.  He said "She was 18, so I figured there was no way (him being 32), that she could have a friend in his age range.

Finally some how New Year's sucked that year 2003, had a nice fight with the ex and her co-worker was telling me to come meet their boss too.  I had met him briefly that night while I waited for her to get off.  The only thing I remember for that meeting was thinking, "what would it be like to date a nice guy like that, he would be good to me." So after this and the convincing I said o.k.

It took him about a week to call me.  We started talking each day for hours at a time.  We would just talk about everything.  It was wonderful.  I had been into his store twice for short meetings while he was the manager on duty. I would give him a hard time that all I ever got was a free "gold medalist" from him and that was only once.  We set up to go to the Jazz game.  Jan 16 I still have the ticket from the game.  

I was not so smart in the planning of this date.  You see I also made plans to have same day surgery that day.  They said that I would be fine and that there would be no pain from the surgery.  So I thought,  "Yea I will be fine."  Boy was I wrong.  I couldn't hold anything down.  So I had to call and have you come later and we missed going to dinner before the game.  When he showed up he had a sprite in hand.  I thanked him and got in the car.  The music on the ride sucked, or at least so I thought, so I changed it. Come to find out this upset him.  The make this part of the story short.  The game was great, I was texting Shannon how unfun the date was and that I just wanted to go home.  Dayna wasn't having that great of a date either but loved the game.  We both left the date not expecting to be anything but friends.  

We continued to talk, until that Sunday after the game when I made you upset cause I told him that he needed to forgive his father.  That it was a long time ago and you were to upset about it all still.  I felt it was time.  I know way to opinionated.  Well this just upset him and his dads call before mine didn't help.  So he unplugged his phone.  Oh that mad me mad when I tried to call him on Monday to say sorry.  I was like what, why did he do that? DUH...  So he had decided if I called and left a message on Tuesday after he plugged it back in and calmed down that he would call back and we would get out as friends. Well I did call and left a message.  It was kind of a "well call if you want, I don't really care" type of message.  So during this time I made plans to go see an old guy I dated off and on.  While on my way to his house.  Dayna called, we talked and you asked me to dinner and I said yes for Thursday.

Thursday came; we went to a Chinese diner off center st in Provo.  It was a place he uses to go to a lot with an old friend.  Dinner was nice; afterwards he took me to his house to see "his collection". Yea that is a story too. I really wanted to know what he collected and the night of the phone fight he would not tell me.  I got so mad about it cause he kept telling me I really didn't want to know.  When in fact I did want to know.  So he showed me the "comic collection".  Dayna was like a kid in a candy store showing me his best and favorite comics from his collection.  I don't know what happened while we were talking, but something just clicked.  We started to share very private things and we just bonded.  After that click we were hooked.  We were always together whenever we could.  Never wanting to be away from each other.

We were engaged so fast.  I believe we decided to get married in Feb and he told his family the first part of March.  We decided to get married May 29, 2003.  It was so far away or at least that is what it felt like when in fact we were following the Utah trend that we both promised would never happen.  That of a fast engagement and a fast marriage.

May 29 came I got up that morning from the spare bedroom, Katie stayed the night at our place with us so that we were watched over as to not make any mistakes.  You were good you told me goodnight and he went and slept in our room while I went to the spare bedroom to have a last sleep on my bed.  I got up showered, and we and got my hair done.  I came back and we got ready to leave for the temple.  I don't know what happened but the whole ride to the temple about 45 mins. I told him "I don't want to do this".  He freaked out that I didn't want to marry him.  It wasn't that I just kept telling him I don't want to do this, to get married.  He would ask me what I wanted to do and I said just keep driving.  Poor Dayna thought I had changed my mind and wasn't going to marry him on the day of the wedding.  Who does that?  I guess I did.  At this point he kept asking me what do you want to do and all I could say was I don't want to do this.  I went in did what I needed, met with the Temple president, signed the papers, and just look at Dayna and told him to go get ready.  I left him with him thinking, "Is she going to show up for the wedding?"  In truth I wasn't sure. I knew I wanted to be married to him I just could get myself to do "this".  I got to the bridal area and I was a mess.  I forgot parts of my dress so my mom had to go track down the keys from Dayna to go get it.  While she was gone I just started to pray.  "Heavenly father, please help me to know that I am doing the right thing, Amen".  At the end the most wonderful, warm, peaceful feeling came over me and I knew, beyond any doubt, I knew I was to marry Dayna.  

I got dressed, met him in the hall and smiled back at him.  I knew when he saw me how glad he was that I showed up.  I took his hand and into the sealing we went.  It was a great wedding. I had to track his ring down from my mom who was holding it, and I got to goose his butt with his best friends wife saw.  Good laughs.  It was the most wonderful day of my life.  I loved it all.  He was mine and he loved me.  I could see it in your eyes.  I could feel it in his kiss, touch, look, and just felt it in all of me.

We had a good honeymoon.  I even got the chance to know how much I loved him and that I wanted to share my life with him 3 months later.  It was while he was under for his open-heart surgery.  The nurses promised me that they would call me part way through the surgery to give me an update.  I had been 31/2 hours and I hadn't heard a thing. I freaked out major.  That here God had just given me him and was already taking you away from me.  I was freaked out.  I called my dad who answered.  Who told me "God didn't give you that wonderful man, to take him away from you already.” I knew during that surgery that my time with him would not be a LONG time but I never knew it would only be 4 years.  

Dayna, I love you and miss you SO much.  As your death anniversary draws near I am becoming more and more a mess.  I miss you and now it that time when I will from here on out be without you longer than I was allowed to be with you.  I miss you, I wish I could always see and hear you.  I feel you and know you are near but I miss you holding me.  I miss seeing "my spot" on your face.  I want you to know I love you and miss you.  That the gift of your love and our son was the greatest gift I have ever been given.

Dayna, Dayna, Dayna................Oh Dayna

So I am taking a friends advice and piggy backing on another widow friends idea.  I am writing a letter to Dayna.  I don't know if it will help or solve any of my issues but it is worth a try.  So here goes......

Dear Dayna,
I miss you.  Everyday, the moments where I think about you all day long and miss you all day long are less but they are just as strong.  That is it I MISS YOU.  I am going to miss you everyday of my life.  No matter that your family doesn't think I deserve you, or even that they don't believe that I LOVE you will all my heart.  Our sons is so much like you that at times it is hard but at other times it just helps me.  He loves me, cares for me, and has been the best thing to heal my broken heart. Our little man doesn't know any different but its is still hard to see him without brothers or sisters.  It is hard to see other women with babies when I know that for now that is not possible for me.  I know it was your time to go to heaven.  I know God needed you and that your heart was to weak to make it even to the next surgery, that was only weeks away.  I am sure had you made it you wouldn't of made it then.  I got 4 wonderful years where I was you world and I knew no matter what happened in life, what I did, or said that you loved me with all your heart.

It is hard to have your family have opinions about me.  I still haven't forgiven your sister in-law telling me the day we put you in the ground, "that had I provided a more cohesive environment" you would still be alive.  Or that had your family even know you they would of know that we had plots picked out in Idaho Falls but that we didn't have the money for them or you would of been there.  That you wanted to be bury next to me not next to your brother that you hardly knew.  So I have anger and hurt towards your family since you have died.  I am sorry that what you see and hear on the other side hurts you in regards to this matter.  I know that you want your family and I to be close and loving for your son.  I just don't see it happening.  I hold my ground for your son.  I don't want him to be hurt by the hurtful things that have been said that he might hear.  I can't take that chance.  I know that thanks to Anna Nicole that you will never be allowed to be moved by your family no matter if I ever get married once more.  Why?  cause Dallin has the last say about where you are, and he no only knows that is where "daddy" is but he loves to go there.  We go see you every time were in Preston.  He goes up to you and hugs and kisses your headstone.  It is wonderful to watch/listen to him talk to you.  He even tells me "shhh momma, I am talking to daddy".  In fact he says that often and not just when we go see you.  He says it when were just driving, going to bed, upset, or just living life.  He stops and turns down to his heart and talks to you.  He will tell anyone that "daddy is in my heart".  I taught him that no matter what you are always watching over him and always there for him.  You will always be his father.  Maybe one day he might get a second dad.  That he might be blessed to be loved by two dads but that you are always apart of his life and love us.

Sometimes I feel you near me at night and I am scared of it.  I don't know why I am scared but I am.  I believe it is because of how much it will hurt to see and hear you.  So when it happens I ask you to leave, tell you that I can't handle it.  I don't know how to get over this and be able to accept it but I know that I need to.  That to move forward I need to do this.

I keep myself busy, don't date much cause in truth I am not ready.  I only want to be happy, loved, cherished, and someone who will be amazing with our son.  Our son is the most important thing to me.  He is the reason behind all I have done and how well I am doing in school.  He helps me to be happy.  He worries about me when I cry.  He is so caring, tenderhearted, loving, busy, crazy, happy, and just a joy to have in my life.  I wish you could physically be here with us. I wish that more than anything. 

Well this will continue on another day but for now dear know that I love you.  I miss you and my heart aches for you.  Until I am on the other side know I will always love you.