So I am taking a friends advice and piggy backing on another widow friends idea. I am writing a letter to Dayna. I don't know if it will help or solve any of my issues but it is worth a try. So here goes......
Dear Dayna,
I miss you. Everyday, the moments where I think about you all day long and miss you all day long are less but they are just as strong. That is it I MISS YOU. I am going to miss you everyday of my life. No matter that your family doesn't think I deserve you, or even that they don't believe that I LOVE you will all my heart. Our sons is so much like you that at times it is hard but at other times it just helps me. He loves me, cares for me, and has been the best thing to heal my broken heart. Our little man doesn't know any different but its is still hard to see him without brothers or sisters. It is hard to see other women with babies when I know that for now that is not possible for me. I know it was your time to go to heaven. I know God needed you and that your heart was to weak to make it even to the next surgery, that was only weeks away. I am sure had you made it you wouldn't of made it then. I got 4 wonderful years where I was you world and I knew no matter what happened in life, what I did, or said that you loved me with all your heart.
It is hard to have your family have opinions about me. I still haven't forgiven your sister in-law telling me the day we put you in the ground, "that had I provided a more cohesive environment" you would still be alive. Or that had your family even know you they would of know that we had plots picked out in Idaho Falls but that we didn't have the money for them or you would of been there. That you wanted to be bury next to me not next to your brother that you hardly knew. So I have anger and hurt towards your family since you have died. I am sorry that what you see and hear on the other side hurts you in regards to this matter. I know that you want your family and I to be close and loving for your son. I just don't see it happening. I hold my ground for your son. I don't want him to be hurt by the hurtful things that have been said that he might hear. I can't take that chance. I know that thanks to Anna Nicole that you will never be allowed to be moved by your family no matter if I ever get married once more. Why? cause Dallin has the last say about where you are, and he no only knows that is where "daddy" is but he loves to go there. We go see you every time were in Preston. He goes up to you and hugs and kisses your headstone. It is wonderful to watch/listen to him talk to you. He even tells me "shhh momma, I am talking to daddy". In fact he says that often and not just when we go see you. He says it when were just driving, going to bed, upset, or just living life. He stops and turns down to his heart and talks to you. He will tell anyone that "daddy is in my heart". I taught him that no matter what you are always watching over him and always there for him. You will always be his father. Maybe one day he might get a second dad. That he might be blessed to be loved by two dads but that you are always apart of his life and love us.
Sometimes I feel you near me at night and I am scared of it. I don't know why I am scared but I am. I believe it is because of how much it will hurt to see and hear you. So when it happens I ask you to leave, tell you that I can't handle it. I don't know how to get over this and be able to accept it but I know that I need to. That to move forward I need to do this.
I keep myself busy, don't date much cause in truth I am not ready. I only want to be happy, loved, cherished, and someone who will be amazing with our son. Our son is the most important thing to me. He is the reason behind all I have done and how well I am doing in school. He helps me to be happy. He worries about me when I cry. He is so caring, tenderhearted, loving, busy, crazy, happy, and just a joy to have in my life. I wish you could physically be here with us. I wish that more than anything.
Well this will continue on another day but for now dear know that I love you. I miss you and my heart aches for you. Until I am on the other side know I will always love you.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment