my head is swimming

Today my head is swimming with thoughts and feelings.  Tomorrow will of been Dayna and my 7th wedding anniversary.  Even at this moment I miss him so much that it physically hurts.  I can feel the pain in my heart.  I miss him and wish more than anything that God granted him to still be with me today. He was my best friend.  He loved my so purely and true.  No matter what mistakes I made he forgave me always.  He carried a special love for me that I have never had before or since.

Lately I have been hurting a lot about things I have done and things that have happened in my life recently.  I never really believed that I could ever fall in love again.  Yea, I would tell people that I believed it but in truth I never really did.  Through the time I was allowed to have D in Dallin and my lives I learned that I can be loved by another and that I can love completely another.  This experience taught me a much needed lesson.  That I can love Dayna and another at the same time and just as much but they are still separate.

Today I unexpectedly hurt after finding out that I was no longer apart of his life.  Granted I have known this for awhile and am trying to move on with another in my life.  Yet, today it hurt when he said he was going camping and it wasn't with me.  That was something we had planned to do together this summer.  I guess it was just a slap into real life that its over.  Its just that I wasn't prepared for it.  I guess I thought I was over him and didn't still care for him.  I can see now that my heart is still connected to him. Why I don't know.  Why I still haven't let go I don't know. Its not like he is ever going to say "hey, I miss you and want to work this out." Then come back into my life.  I guess though in the back of my head I still want that more than anything.

It must be that he was my first love since Dayna.  That experience of a first since is making it harder to let go.  Also still in my head I want to do what is right.  I am having a hard time letting go of something that I felt was so right.  Its like I feel like if I let go completely that I am not following what I know to be right.

So as I sit here thinking about Dayna I sit and think about D and what was and could of been.  I miss talking to Dayna and D.  I miss having them touch me, kiss me, hold me, and just tell me they loved me.  So maybe it more what I miss rather than that I miss him.  I don't know all I know is that I miss them both.  I want them both.  I am lonely and maybe that is where all of this is coming from also. We as human have a need to be loved and love.  Those feelings are something we search for and crave. 

I guess I am just human.  That its going to take me time for really be able to let go.  That I can't expect myself to be over someone that I really, truly with all my heart love. They both lead me to continue to search for what I had with each of them.  To find someone who even though I do dumb and hurtful things and still lovable.  That my good out weight my bad.  That is ready to be with me and just spend time with me working together to us for life.  One day if it is what God has in store for me it will happen.  This current struggle is just God's refiners fire. It is perfecting me into the person I need to become. My life is a lesson on learning to trust completely in God.  To know that when I let go he will direct me where I need to go and who I need to become.