Today I thought about my life and where I am at in it. Where do I want to go. What do I want out of life and where is it going to take me? I thought about D some. Yea I was sad that I wasn't camping with him, and his family. It bothered me to think that he most likely took Cass with them. Yet I believe that just bothered me more cause it was seeing that my dreams with him weren't going to come true. That the plans we had together just ended up being plans and going to be nothing more. I saw why his taking Cass out hurt. It was me in his life for so long. I had been waiting to be the first person he took out after his divorce or out among his crowd of people. It ended up being her not me for all of those. I saw today that that had hurt me. Here I had waited for so long for it to be and then it wasn't me and to make it worse he didn't even want it to be me anymore. It just showed me today in my thoughts just how committed I was to him and to being with him. To see that I truly believed and planned to of been with him in time. Now I am seeing it as it is. That the chance of it ever being is very, very small. Almost most completely a no but since I can't see the future I can't say it for sure. I don't know where his or my life will be down the road. Yet as a good friend today said there are things about D that I was looking for and love. Those things I will take with me in what I want in who I marry once more. The things that I loved about D are things that I still want in another. I have never been so hurt, angry, upset, or had so much trouble getting over and past a break up. I guess it just shows that I truly and really loved him completely. I would of done anything to make it work. I would of done anything to mend things and to of been with him. As long as it was right. It was so real and fast. The memories will always be with me but he no longer loves me. D hasn't for awhile. I don't think he ever will allow himself to once more. Can we ever be friends once more. I don't know. I have been able to be friends with ex's before but with D I just don't know if that is ever going to be possible. I am a bit scared to go see Dayna. I am scared to run into him and see him. What would that be like. Would we be able to say hi or just ignore each other or just walk the other way or even yet start a conversation up with each other. Sometimes I sit and think yes he still cares for me. He would never tell anyone but I feel that he misses me and wishes we were still friends. What an interesting story. Time will tell how the story continues to be written out.
I think about whether or not I will find another or have more children or even have more children in my home. Maybe my greatest love has already happened and since he was so good and wonderful that is all I get. I have to wait until Christ comes or I die to be able to have that once more. Dayna loved me so completely. I know that no matter what I would of done or said he would of forgiven me and still loved me with all his heart. Unlike with Dennis there are no strings with that love. No control that had to be had by either of us. It was just a pure and sweet love. His love for me was so wonderful and sweet. He loved me so much and so true. I am so blessed to of gotten him for the 4 years that I did. Once when things were not so good our bishop asked him what he wanted to do. Did he want to leave me? Dayna's answer was "No, never I love her and want to be with her, I understand why she upset with me right now and think she should be." What a great man. His love was just so pure. He always was thinking about Dallin and me. He loved us with all his heart. He always thought of me and bought me little things. He would call me just to check in and end with "I love you". We never missed a day of not telling each other we loved each other. Every phone call ended with I love you. Today was our 7th wedding anniversary. This year Dayna would of been 40 years old. We would of most likely of had or been prego with child number 3. I would of been gone this far in my education had Dayna not died. Oh how I miss my life with him. How much I miss seeing him, touching him, kissing him, and just being with him. I wished more than anything today that I could of spent the day with Dayna. That we could of spent this day together instead of having him in heaven and me here on earth. Oh how I miss him but I am so grateful that he is still mine forever. That he watches over us.
We took Dayna balloons, flowers, and a card today. The picture is of Dallin after we set things up. I wasn't thinking fast enough when Dallin came back and was talking to his dad. I wanted to record it but I wasn't fast enough. I got pictures of it but not a recording of it. He was so sweet. Telling his daddy that we came to see him, that he missed him, loved him, and what we brought him. It was the sweetest thing ever. What sweet memories Dallin and I are making together. How I wish Dayna was still here making them with us.
<3 you all
That darn "refiners fire"!! Sometimes things just aren't fair and far from easy! I think you have a great outlook and have been able to maintain the proper perspective through all that you have been through. You should be very proud of all that you accomplish every day! I am sure that Heavenly Father and your husband are so proud of you. Keep doing what you are doing and I am sure that the Lord will bless you with all that you deserve!!
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
ReplyDelete