Life can be crazy at times. Not knowing which way is up or down. If you should go left or right. This is hard for me right now. For the past few years I have known which way to go without even really having to think about it. Yet, now I want to go so many different directions for so many different reasons. None of these reason are really grounded in a sane thought. So I stay very independent, should I try to move closer to family, where should I be looking for a job? If only all these questions came with a good and fast answer. My new thought is that I can't get my answers yet because it is not the right time for me to know. There are still things that need to happen first before I can take that next step towards anything. Then again I could just be joking myself and just not wanting to move out of my comfort zone. Comfort sometimes is a hard thing to move away from. It like I know what I want but I am to scared to go and get it sometimes. Then there is a huge piece of me that wants it all. To have all my wishes and dreams all at once and not have to give up anything. If I have to give up something that I want what am I willing to give up? What do I think I want or need that I really don't. Then this leads me to the question what do I really truly want.
The truth is I want to find another who will love me fully, faults and all. Who is as just what I need in my life. I do have a hard time being a single mother. My wish for my son is that one day another man will come into our lives. I mean I know his daddy is here and with us but its not the same. My son deserves a father here on earth, and brothers and sisters. I want more than what I have. The question is does God want this for me? The one thing that I know is what right feels like. Right now things don't feel right for me but I don't know quite what is right or the right way to go. I feel like I am a log just floating in the river not going anywhere. I could just be waiting for the current to take me to where I need to go. Yet, I am not good at just waiting for things to happen to me. I like to more go out, find them, and make them happen. I am curious as to what the next year will bring to me. Today's gift is that I know know what is in store but I am trusting in God and just living on faith.
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