Mind heaven help me

Alright all I can say is that I REALLY miss Dayna.  I just want to have him near me once more and yet he can't be.  My life in part, and don't get me wrong here I LOVE my life.  It is just that a huge part of the meaning behind it is gone.  I keep living, going, and finding joy with Dayna but it so not complete.  I know part of me is missing.  It is true that grief is hard and we each take our own path in it.  I just miss my boo.  I miss him SO much that my heart aches for him.  I know his family didn't think I really loved him, or was worthy of him.  The thing is that isn't even true or even close to the truth.  I LOVE AND MISS him so much.   The ache my heart has for my missing piece hurts.  It is like I don't care about things that I use to.  I did things because of him, for him.  Now I do them for Dallin but that is not the same.  I just keep pushing ahead but I don't want to anymore.  I am SO ready for Christ to come once more and to be with Dayna for forever.  I am hurting tonight just like so many other days of my life since he passed away.

On my mind.

I have a lot of things going through my head right now.  There is a big part of me that is ready to move on with my life.  The problem with this?  I am not fully done with my degree and I do not yet have a job.  I feel like good things are coming my way but the problem is that they ALL are on hold until school is done and mostly until I have a job.  There is part of me that feels ready to date and be serious about it. Yet the problem with that is that I do not know fully where I will be once I have a job.  Right now one of the best things going for me is that I can go ANYWHERE for a job.  I don't have ties, family, spouse, or any of those things that people stay for in my life right now.  So how do you move forward in your life when something as simple as finishing your degree and getting a job is holding you back?  I am sure this is all just a timing thing.  That when the blessings I see coming into my life will be there but it is still a "just not yet" idea.  I still have a few months to think, ponder, and pray about where I should go next.  Tomorrow night I am going to the Mt. Timp temple.  Maybe while I am there I will have a answer or two about the things that are on my mind.  I have to say right now I am thinking about things that I didn't even know I wanted to think about or even that I wanted in my life.  Guess it is just time for some process, process, process..... ;)

Were all Normal trust me

So I this morning I was sitting at work.  Reading emails, looking at facebook, and just sitting here, when all of the sudden GRIEF hits me HARD.  It was out of no where.  There was no reason for it like, a photo, memory, or something like that.  It was just there and it just HURT.  I just sat here at my window trying so hard to not cry.  I just sat here hurting, hurting really bad cause I miss him.  I miss my life with him.  I miss what I thought we would have by now in our lives but the biggest reason is I JUST MISS DAYNA.  Right now even after 4 years it still hurts like it was yesterday.  My heart literally hurts in my chest.  Times like this have no warning, so you can prepare for them.  They are sudden without reason and they just HURT.  In an hour or two it wont hurt so badly like it does right now.

Anyone who has lost someone know what I talking about. Anyone who has gone through grief knows what is like.  If your new to this whole grief process, let me tell you, you are normal, what your going thorugh is normal.  That there is not time limit on your griefing process.  There isn't a time when you have to stop grieving or as some say "that you should be over it".  Grief is a sign of love.  It means someone you once cared about is gone from your life in whatever form that they left it.  That you miss them and are allowed to miss them.  That you can expect the unexpected to happen at times when your not prepared for it to be there.  I hope you can find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.  That others are going through this battle right along with you.  Yes, I call it a battle because of how much it hurts and what it takes out of you to come out of it each time.  It is a battle to not let it take you over and for you to come back from it. Also know that you truly are NEVER alone. Jesus is there he knows and feels your pain right along with you.  He will send his comforter to you if you but ask for it.  Angels are there and ready to minister to you during your time of need.  NEVER FORGET THIS. My you have comfort in knowing you are Normal and not ALONE.

changes along the way to better me :D

I PROMISE I will blog about St. George this weekend.  So I have been doing therapy and I really, really love it.  The promise is my focus hasn't been the best always in session.  I have been a bit distracted or at least easily distracted.  So I have decide to go on a ADD medication small dose and see if that will help me out.  Hey it might even help me lose my want to eat all the time too.  I just need to full be there for my clients and I feel like I have been having a hard time wtih that 100% in sessions back to back to back to back...... You get the point. 

Theother thing is that I have been a bit um grumpy well not grumpy but umm...short fused by the end of the day.  I don't really feel really depressed but it am very short fused throughtout the day.  So now I am going to go back on a medication for that and see how that works to help.  Like I said its not the I want to stay in bed, I don't do anything, I am sad, or that part of depression its just SHORT FUSED.  So I being a fan of medication when it is needed (and I believe it is needed for me) for me to be the very best at who I am and will be in life and going to start back up on that too.

So that is what is happening to me in my life right now.  Life is good, busy, and I am very happy with how things are playing out in my life.  I know that I will be able to find a job very fast once I am done with school and that it might mean that I move or I might stay right where I am for a while too.

what am I doing????

So there is the friend of mine that I have known almost for 4 years now.  I said I was going to say goodbye cause "he's just not into me."  Well I broke down and was chatting with him last night.  Then we got into things and then........ He asked me to please give him time to figure out what just happened between us.  So me doing what I do best I said.  I can be patient and give you time to think.  I didn't even put a cap on the time that he had to work things out in his head.  WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING.  I need to just walk away but I can't or at least I wont let myself.  What am I doing?  Or better yet why am I doing this?  I just need to wash that man right out of my hair.  I just wish I could but I made a promise and I will hold to it for now.  Sweet Dreams everyone. :D

Leap of faith

So this weekend I took a leap of faith.  I jumped the fence on a friendship/relationship to the other side.  I couldn't even tell him I was leaving I just sent an email saying I had to leave for a while.  I don't know if I will return in this persons life ever but for now I need distance.  It's hard cause he is one of my god friends, who knows everything about me.  Yet, the problem is when I was watching "he's just not that into you."  It made me see that he is just not that into me like I want out of someone I am with.  Everything in our friendship is on his terms.  I can't do this, I need to just walk.  The sad thing is as I wrote the email I the whole time I was just hoping he would make an effort to show me I really mattered.  As my widower friend and I have decided this dating thing SUCKS!!!! 

I had a wonderful time with the sister missionaries tonight.  It was just wonderful to visit with them and to have them in our home today.  It was just wonderful and we had a wonderful time.  It was so an amazing night or just chatting.  It was all nice and they were the best. :D  God does bless us in amazing ways that we don't even know all of them. I love raising Dallin and he is getting so big.  Each day he gets older and older away from the baby he once was.  I little man is growing up. 

I don't know what life is going to bring me in the next 8/9 months.  All I know is that I am going in the direction that I should be.  I just wish I could get a small glimpse as to what is to come of my life.  where I am going, what I am doing, who I am with, where I am working,  anything really. I mean come on can't I get a little view?   All good, I am blessed and watched over.  This whole journey I am on right now is a leap of faith.  I just keep moving forward to end up where God wants me.  At times I just want to run around and around until I pass out.  It is hard to know just what I am doing and where else God me to do and learn but I will do it.  I will continue to take that leap of faith.  I will keep going until the end of time.  We will see where I go and what I  will do will and what I will become.  Life is just a nice big LEAP OF FAITH.

What is going on.......

So a few people in my inner circle have heard me talk about Bryce. He is a widower whose wife died in a car wreck; she was also pregnant with their twin girls.  In a few hours he lost his world.  His whole world.  This event has taken him a very, very long time to get healthy from.  He still isn't healthy from it and he will be the first to admit that to me.  So I guess this blog is more for me to work some things around my head. 

Bryce is my best friend.  In a very odd and strange way cause we have not met in 3 1/2 years just instant message each other.  There isn't anything we don't know about each other.  The only other person I shared that with is Dayna.  We both have helped each other heal in this journey.  We have a very strong connection but it’s within boundaries.  It started with his boundaries, and his rules about our friendship.  Yet, now it is turning into my boundaries and my rules.  He is trying so hard to be respectful, thoughtful, kind, caring, and just trying.  It is noticeable to.  

He asked me the other night  "Terri, what do you want from this?'  All I could say was "I don't know."

Still after a week and half thinking about this question, I still do not know.  There is a part of me that knows what I want but is scared that I will get hurt if I tell him.  Part of me says, "Terri, you know you don't want this you want more." Then I stop and think about the last 3 1/2 years.  There is SO MUCH there.  I truly care about him.  I can't even tell you the change that is coming over him.  It is amazing, I think he is AMAZING.  I just don't want to get hurt and with Bryce there have been times when I got hurt.  We have tried to say goodbye to each other 3 times and each time we come back to each other.  Closer and sharing more and more getting closer and closer to each other, well as much as you can without meeting.  

Right now he is the last person I chat with before bed.  When he asks me to stay and not go yet, I listen and stay.  When I say "doesn’t go yet” he stays too.  AuGh!!!!  What am I letting go on here.  I have kept my distance from men since Dennis.  I told myself I was not going to do something once more out of loneliness.  Dennis was TOTALLY out of loneliness and attention.  So in my head I wonder is this the same thing.  Am I doing this cause of that?  Am I letting him in, and I admit it I am letting him in, cause I am lonely.  Or cause it’s been a year since Dennis and I kind of get involved with someone about once a year?  Is that what I am doing?  OR................

Is it just about time and this time it is time.  I have to say on my side that things in my life are finally to a point that I can look at something more than school, and my son.  School is pretty much done and I don't have to worry about a distraction ruining that for me. Is this the time now cause he seeing someone for his loss to work through it.  Does it mean something that I know he cares about me but the walls aren't as high as they have been before?  

I think I know what I want.  I just want to not have to answer that question right now.  I want to let our friendship just go where it will.  To not let the fears we have to hold it backs, but not let something happen and have to be a certain way.  Does that mean I think this is what will be, or what is best or right.  To that I say. "I don't know."  What I can tell you is that I care for him, I want him to be happy, I am proud of the man he is, and the one he is becoming, I am amazing at who he is and for his love that he has for his family, for the respect he has for his parents, for the hard working man he is, for his apologizes that he gives and truly means, for his acceptance of me for me, for his encouragement in me to do all that I have, for his friendship, for his honesty with me, for him knowing me better than I give him credit for.  So will we date?  I don't know but I know that I am not worried about the will or won't.  I have a very strong belief that I am going down the right road that God has for me.  If that is to have Bryce in my life as more than what we have then when the time is right that will happen.  If not we'll figure that out and know that too.  I just don't want to have to answer yes or no, or that I have to say I want this or that, or even have to know how I feel right now.  Right now I just want life to take it course and I am very blessed to have him in my life as I do.