Where am I going and what do I want to do with my life??

As I sit wondering if I am going down the right path in my life.  I wonder, what next?  I could stay where I am at but that doesn't feel right.  I want to move closer to family but moving might mean losing my student loan repayment help.  $20,000 a year of loan repayment on a single parents income is a huge amount.  

The problem is my job isn't taking care of me fully.  My medical insurance claims have not been paid in 2 years.  There is no plan to get them paid anytime soon, which means I need to get a lawyer.  This adds to my list of things to do and burdens.  Should I just give up and walk away?  I am the only one paying into my 401K.  I have no sick leave, no dental insurance, and my medical claims is a HUGE issue.  My son has ADHD and a heart condition which means he NEEDS the medical insurance.  I have type 1 diabetes so I NEED the medical insurance.  It's not getting paid is affecting my credit.  I can't keep up with the claims to keep them out of collections.  My max out of pocket is $2,000 but my not paid is over $100,000.   AUGH I am so frustrated and I just don't know what I want to do or what is right to do.  

I am praying but truth is I don't know what I should be praying for.  I can't pin point what I what or want I truly need because I feel like I need all of the following. A new job, medical getting paid, a man in my life, a new start, moving.  There is so much, that I can't figure things out.

I believe stress is what I walk around with each day.  It is something that I get used to but maybe that isn't what is best for me.  I am trying, reading scriptures daily, family prayers, personal prayers (I can do better with this one), going to church, paying tithing, and fast offerings.  Is that enough?

Recently I have been thinking what do I need answered this general conference.  What is it that I am needing that the Lord can guide me with this conference.  What do I need to be praying on that I need to be addressed in general conference.  

What I am scared about?........

Sit back and look again

I am having an interesting time in my personal life right now.  I have two guys that I am getting to know.  One I really don't think is the right fit for me but we haven't met.  Right now I feel he is a bit pushy and doesn't respect my answers that I give.  This bothers me very much but we are just starting to get to know each other so maybe I am just misreading it all and as I get to know him better I will find it isn't what I think it is.  

The second is someone who has been in and out of my life for years.  It never seems to workout with us but we keep coming back to each other.  He gets scared, I get pushy.  Well, you get our wonderful pattern.  Todays post is really about him and an insight into the way I think vs. the way he thinks.  Today I was on Skype wanting so badly to talk with him.  Well, he sends a Hello and then nothing.   I was like what?  Why do that, why even say "hi" if your can't even chat with me.  Then later he started to talk with me a bit more but not regular just here and there.  I was still thinking why are you doing this.  If you don't have time for me then don't even start.  I want all your time.  Then it hit me.  He would rather say hi then not say hi.  He couldn't give me all his time due to working but he wanted me to know he was there, he was thinking of me, and that he wanted to give me something rather than nothing at all.  He later asked if I could give him an hour then he would have more time for me.  This helped me to see that he is thinking about me.  That he wants me to know that but that due to work he couldn't just stop and giving me 100% of his attention right then but he wanted to give me something.  When I released that it helped settle my thoughts and emotions down. I have released through this that sometimes you need to look at things a different way or a few different ways before you see the real answer behind things.  Maybe just maybe ** Wishing on my Star**

Who Knew a TIMER was the answer........

I have struggled with being organized, and having a clean house since my husband has passed.  It was like when he died all my want to be clean and organized left me.  This struggle has also caused me to struggle with my son.  Yes, my son is VERY ADHD.  He is on medication and without it gets sent to the principles office due to his impulsive decisions that he makes.   We have struggled with getting him to clean his room, do his chores, and help me around the house.  My goal in our home is that EVERYONE do their share.  That their share is equal to their age though too.  So as children get older their chores become bigger/more.  I do not believe I should do it all or that my son should do it all.  I also do not believe that my child should just play and not clean up after himself.  He makes the mess he should clean it up or help clean it up if he was to small for the task.  If he is big enough to make it he is big enough to clean too.  I believe that in having this as a house rule and that it teaches my child responsibility.  That I should not pay him to do things that being a part of a family requires.  I also believe and am trying to put into play in our home that my child should have his own money which he learns to spend, save, and use throughout his life.  That part of his allowance get taxed.  Yes TAXED.  It is real life, when you earn money you have to pay taxes on it and not ALL your taxes are returned to you at the end of the year either.

Any how, where is it that I am going with this stuff you ask?  Well, the struggle to get my son to put his effort into helping around the house has been hard.  He gets distracted so easy and I can't really babysit him while he does his chores to make sure they are done.  If I did that I would NEVER get any of my stuff done either. We have tried using an allowance where if your chores are not done you have to pay the person who does them.  That did not work at all.  We have tried him getting things taken away, being grounded, mom asking kindly, encouragement, chore charts, chore charts with a mark off that it is done area, we have tried losing privileges, wii time and D.S. time being earned for them being done, and losing time for the not being done.  I have read books, and followed said books too.  Nothing really worked really well for us to say the least.

Then I tried a simple thing, I think that the Lord blessed my mind with the idea.  This simple thing is found on all cell phones.  It is called a timer.  He sets the timer for 30 mins (that is his cleaning, chore doing time) then he gets to set it for 10 mins of play time.  During this play time he can play anything he wants, wii, 3D ds, movies, shows, outside play, computer, well you get the idea. He gets to choose to do anything during that 10 mins.  Once the 10 mins are up he reset the timer for another 30 mins.  This goes on and on until his chores or tasks that he needs to get done are finished.

It has been a 360 of a change.  I do not have to argue with him, I praise him for the good work he is doing, the effort he is making, for his follow through, and working hard when the task is hard.  I am so proud of him.  I do not have to do anything.  He does it all, he cleans, he plays, he sets the timers and he gets to enjoy the rewards of his work.  The coolest part is that when he gets started on a task there are a few times that he will continue to work, putting off his play time until he finishes the task that he is currently working on.  This is his doing, not my suggesting him to do so.  It has been very nice to not have to yell, fight, argue, demand, punish, or lose my mind.   He checks the timer as he plays to see how much time he has left to play but does not check it while he is cleaning.  Once more that is his doing and idea not mine.

We are also beginning to use said timer to help with dinner time and lunch time too, because those take FOREVER of him to finish also.  Who knew (well I am sure a lot of you do) that a simple thing that is on every cell phone could change my son so dramatically as well as make my life so much easier.  Yes, I know that the rewards and being able to see the reward helps him.  I also know that this is helping to teach/train his mind to focus for small amounts of time but then give his head some fun time.  What this timer is doing will bless his mind and him throughout his coming life.  Being ADHD is a huge struggle for him but we are beginning to learn how to channel it and use it in a way that helps him to have success and a wonderful quality of life.  I am one very proud, happy, and blessed single mother. Thank you Heavenly Father.

Dallin enjoying his first ever funnel cake :D

Asking the Lord and learning from learning to do so.

Today I had a very interesting therapy session.  I went in VERY angry about what I felt I had been cheated in my life.  Not getting out of life what I felt I should have. So I was very angry about this.  There has been quite a few time that this anger has presented itself in my life.

Well, today I was asking the lovely WHY question.  You know the one that only leaves you in circles, more confusion and anger than you started with, along with some self pity for your wounds.  Let me tell you those moments are not ones to be the most proud of but I believe they happen to everyone from time to time.

Well, now onto what I LEARNED from this situation.  I learned that maybe just maybe it is time to ask the Lord for what I SHOULD do and how I should go about doing what he wants instead of expecting him to bless me with what I want but without going about it the way he would have me.  You see after being hurt I have turned to trying to have control.  To tell The Lord what to do and how to do it instead of asking him for his help and LISTENING to the answers and direction he is trying or wants to give me.  I have been pig headed as my father would put it.  Figuring that I have been through enough crap that I therefor deserve to have my hearts desire without any thought to what the Lord has in store for me or how to go about it.  Expecting the Lord to do his part without me doing mine doesn't feel right to me now that I have had time to think about it. 

So what shall I do with this new knowledge you ask?  I am going to focus my prayers on asking for what I think I need to be asking for and then try very hard to listen and follow the answers that I am being given. Some of you will read this and think,"that will be easy."  To that I say do not be so fast to judge the situation.  If it were that easy for me I would have already done it by now. 

Life Continues even when you don't want it to.

This last week was fun, crazy, sad, stressful, hurtful, and eventful.  I have learned much about myself and also learned that maybe being single for a while longer is in my path.  I hate that idea but if what I really want isn't here right now, then I guess I have to wait.  I have also learned that peoples honesty is different than what mine is.  This means I shouldn't judge them on what I think and feel but just sit back and accept them for who they are.

I have also learned this last week that to love someone despite the choice they make is VERY hard to do.  People are doing what they feel is right and best.  People get lost in their hurt and pain and forget to truly think of others not just themselves.   People are selfish and often say they are thinking of other but in truth they are only thinking of themselves and what they want or feel.  

Another thing I learned is that I HATE seeing my friends hurt.  I hate seeing pain put on them by others.  It makes me rather upset.  With that thought, I am learning to let things go.  That what someone does to someone else is not for me to stress and worry about.  They need to work it out with that person not me.  Once more I don't have to agree with what they do but I need to love them if I am really their friend. This is sometimes VERY hard to do.  To love someone as the Lord loves them is not such an easy task.  

Lastly is that I am human, I make human mistakes, and I in no way am any better than anyone else in this world, but those who love me will love me for me.  They accept me for my short comings, and mistakes.  They just ask that I take ownership for those and say and mean "I am sorry" when I make a mistake.  

Where in the world is this year going to take me, I have NO IDEA.  What is going to happen this year?  I have NO IDEA.  Am I going to get through this year a better person?  I have every idea that YES I WILL.  The struggles I am struggling with are hard on me but the life I am living is a blessing to me and others.  I need to do better at being a stronger member in my church, but in truth each of us needs to.  You can walk away from God and blame him for everything or you can understand that life happens, and he is there to bless you despite reality.  

One day I pray I will get the chance to love once more, to be with someone who I can grow old with but the truth is that it is just a hope and a prayer.  It might never become a reality.  Watching my best friend get married was amazing, but I was also jealous because she gets to spend her life with someone else, while I am still single.  It is hard but the truth is that I am SO happy for her and excited to see her grow old with Josh.  Katee I will love you always and forever, you too Josh (I guess, lol).  Thanks for sharing this time with me today.

Now What???

Have you ever done something because you couldn't stay in the situation you were in?  Walking away from something is sometimes one of the hardest things you will ever do.  I did that last night.  It wasn't easy, it wasn't what I wanted, but the situation as it was turning out wasn't what was best for me.  I want to share what I have learned though as I look back on it.

1.  Meeting someone else's needs at a loss of your own never brings happiness.  You can try to justify it by saying, in time, when this happens, or one day, but the truth is if it isn't there now, there is a good chance it never will be.

2.  It is important to learn about yourself and be able to look at yourself and say "Why are you doing this?"  For me it wasn't to try to get the guy to learn what he was missing or try to make him make a choice.  It was because I truly wasn't happy in how the situation was turning out.

3.  It is O.K. to cry and let the emotions out.  That doesn't make you weak, it means you feel and are able to care for and about others along with yourself.  Tears truly have healing powers, they can do things for your soul that no other thing (other than prayer I have found) can do.

4.  Learn your love language and find someone who can give you that love language.  I thought mine was a tie between physical touch and quality time.  This situation taught me that quality time is my first and physical touch comes second.   The less time talking, chatting, and getting to know this guy was causing me to feel unwanted, unneeded, unimportant, and in a way not cared about.  I need someone who has time for me and isn't taking time that could be spent investing in us, investing it in me and who know how many other people.

5.  Be honest, don't hide your feelings, thoughts, or voice.  If any relationship is going to work you need to be able to talk about the good as well as the bad.  If you can't be honest with them no matter how hard it is, in time that is going to come back and bite you.  When it dose bite, it will bite hard.

6.  When walking away be kind.  Be careful of the words you use.  Don't talk or say something out of anger.  That usually is the anger talking.  Let those thoughts and words sit before you say them.  If you write a letter, email, or chat reread them before you send them and maybe even let them sit for a day or two first.

7.  If you find yourself shutting down or withdrawing.  Address it and right away.  I was pulling back, trying to give him his space, but in truth I was also protecting myself from getting hurt.  Did he deserve that pull back?  I don't really know how to answer that but he got it.

All right. These are just a few things that I have been thinking about.  Today has been just a yucky day with sad emotions because of a hope for something better a new beginning.  That belief in something amazing is what got me to stay though even though my needs weren't being met.  To walk away is hard but in truth it was best for now.  Could there be a further with this person?  I don't truly know.  My future is in the Lords hand and only he can answer that question.

Why do we have trials, struggles, hurt, pain and all "Why me God?" moments...........

So this week I have done some personal pondering into my life and my trials. I have wondered so many times.... "Why God, Why me? " The answer was always why not you as other people who I asked would answer me.  Well that didn't really truly settle well with me.  The truth is it left me hurt and angry for many years of my life.  Like a good 36 of the 38 I think.  Well, this week in my EMDR therapy I was finally able to leave my hurt behind.  It detached it's self from me and I was able to leave it behind as I walked out the door. The next day and since I have had such a peaceful feeling with me.  Does that mean that I don't stress, worry, do crazy things that don't make sense to others?  Heck no, I am still me but I am doing better and growing.....

Any ways that situation allowed me to finally be able to ponder, think, search, and relies something.  That is this.....  God didn't allow me to have those hurts and pain just because.  He gave me those because he truly LOVES ME and wants me TO RETURN HOME TO HIM.   Now I have agency so in each of these horrible things, I have the agency to choose right or wrong.  That choice was up to me and God was not going to take that right away from me.  He never has to this day stopped me from making a choice.  He gave me those trials, hurts, pains, struggles,  and all those "Why me God" moments because he loves me and want me to return to his presences.  He loves me SO much that he gave me all that to help me to RETURN TO HIM.

Which each of these struggles I have grown,  SO much in fact that I am becoming an amazing women.  One that I never knew I was capable of becoming.  My faith in my Heavenly Father has never been stronger.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he LOVES me, HEARS me, and BLESSES me each moment of my life.  

I could have chosen a different path than the one I did.  I could have started drinking after I lost Dayna (and yes I TRULY thought about it and almost did).  I could have turned to DRUGS, SEX, MONEY, POWER, and anything else that comes our way to help us get lost from the path back to him, but I DIDN'T.  I am so grateful that I didn't. So blessed to have learned this lesson FINALLY.  The truth, those is, I wasn't ready to learn it sooner than this week.  Being able to leave my hurt behind allowed me to be able to listen, and see what Heavenly Father has been trying to get me to hear for who knows how long.  Today continues the journey I am on.  I welcome those who want to go on the journey that I am on to reach out and contact the Missionaries of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  The church is true and will bring so much peace into your left if you choose it.

You can go to this site http://www.mormon.org/visit and on the upper right site hit Chat.  They can answer any questions you might have.  Have a wonderful day and May The Lords Love Shine Through you.

Overload.....

I have a HUGE fear that is going on in my head right now.  I am so scared to get hurt that I will do just about anything to keep it from happening.  This is TOTALLY wrong of me to do and I know it is.  I know that I have to change this behavior but it is SO hard.  Were is this statement taking you???? I don't want to be single anymore.  Why does that matter?  Well, I am finding ways to ruin a friendship that is building before I even meet the person.  WHY??  FEAR.  Well, let me explain better.

When I married Dayna I felt like I finally found my soul mate.  I KNEW I was to marry him.  The hard part though is that just shy of 4 years later I lost him to heart problems.  This hurt me so much. Due to this pain I have found that over the last 8 years that I try to have a relationship end because I don't believe I will EVER be happy once more, that I don't deserve to be.

The thing is I believe I know what I want or need.  I need someone who is patient with me.  Who is willing to spend TIME with me, even if its just a quick hello, good bye.  I need that quality time.  I use to think I also needed physical touch but I am not sure it is a tie with quality time anymore.  That time, having someone let me know that I matter and they want me to be apart of their life.  Is so important. I think that is one reason I fell in love with Dayna so easily is because while we were developing our friendship he gave me that time.

Right now as I am trying to get to know this nice guy but I am struggling.  See he is new to this single life and is getting to know several people.  Which is good for him but not for me?  I feel like I am getting less time with him due to him spending more time with others.  This is causing my insecurities to go off full blast.  

I just want to be enough for someone that they want to spend time with just me.  That, they can't wait to hear my voice, see me, chat with me, spend time with me.  That when I am not there they miss me and vice versa for me too.

Now can that happen all at once?  HECK no, can that happen without meeting?  I don't think so but what I have learned is that a connection on the phone can be made so strongly that you just want them in your life.

I don't want to rush a relationship but I do want to be in one.  I don't want to date around.  I have done that.  I want to find someone who wants to focus on me and me focus on them.  Letting us see what will come of it.  How do you do that if you are not ready?  How do you find out if one person has what you need when you are looking at so many models at one time? Why develop the friendship is you are not ready?

Right now all I know is that we both want to meet each other in person.  Is that good enough for me though?  Is there a way I can be happy with just a small piece of the pie that he has to offer right now?  Can I be patient enough to wait on what could be?

I will give things a good thought......  He is still chatting with me, and plans to talk with me Sunday (I have a 5k run Saturday).  So I must have something of interest to keep him wanting that much, but my fear is that while he is looking around that he will find something unexpected and that something will not be me.  Which will put me back into the dating field.  I SO badly do not want to be in it anymore.  After 8 years I feel I am ready for it to be my time.

Now you can say all that I am writing is showing how selfish I can be, and your right it does show that.  My only answer to that statement is that I can be selfish, impatient, dirty, lost, confused, happy, smart, loving, caring, good with kids.  I am not perfect but I want someone in my life who is willing to take me for who I am.  To grow in love with me for what I do have to offer.  

No relationship is going to be easy.  A blended family can be hard to blend but I believe anything is possible with God.  Right now my head is saying "I just want to know if it is going to workout or not, so that I can, not go there, even a little bit if it isn't going to workout in the end."

I should feel lucky that he tell me he likes me but in my head I hear "I like you but not enough to just chat with you alone."  Which my head then believes that I am not enough.  What I have to offer so far doesn't trump all the other girls giving him attention.  

I really want to just go with it but I am SO scared to get hurt that I am trying to mess it up before it has the chance get me hooked and then hurting so badly that I go backwards in my healing from my trauma.  I am working SO hard to work through it that I don't want my hurt (which is a HUGE trigger to it) to cause me to stop or go backwards in where I am going.

I don't know if I can be patient enough to wait until September.  I don't know if my head is going to get me to mess up the friendship so much that I lose any change of something more that I might have.  I don't believe in love at first sight but I sure wish I could have it. 

Alright I feel better getting that off my head.  I hope that I can let this worry and stress I am having about getting hurt go so that I can just enjoy what is there.

Relationships

I have been pondering about relationships A LOT lately.  I have friends who are struggling in them, ones who are in the mist of divorce, just learning to make it in the one we are in, and then there are those of us who are looking for another one.

I often get ask.....  I am in this situation what do I do.   Well, I am going to use my Marriage and Family Therapist Degree to answer some of those questions.  First of relationships take WORK, daily work.  The grass that you take care of is always going to look better than the one you are in, if you do not take care of it.  It isn't just the others persons job to care fro your relationship.  It takes BOTH of you.

Next, the moment you start to notice there is a problem in your relationship, seek out help, talk to your partner about it,  be totally honest about what you are feeling.  Do not WAIT for a better time to work through it.  TAKE CARE OF IT TODAY.  Never wait until tomorrow, or believe this will pass.  It most often doesn't.  If there is something going on, or you aren't hearing I love you as much, or you are not being as intimate as you once were.  Those can be huge signs that something isn't going well. Never put off for tomorrow what you should have done today.  Your relationship and partner desires it to be addressed now, not later.

Another thing is be TOTALLY HONEST with each other.  Secrets given room for evil (or as I call it Satan) to get into your relationship.  If you can't be honest with your partner then you need to fix that, or you married the wrong person.  Being honest they you are having let's say an affair on them.  Hard to tell them, and take ownership on but they deserve as do you total honesty.

ME TIME, each person needs time with the girls, or guys (stay with your same sex would be good advice).   You need time away from each other to help grow your relationship.  To help it become better.  To help you become better.  I will also say it is totally O.K. to take that me time just don't go over board on it.  Remember BALANCE, life is about balance, as are relationships.

DATE and when I say date I do not mean just go to a movie, diner, or go out but truly DATE.  Ask each other questions, find out each others hopes, dreams, desires, fears, worries, and so forth.  Don't just sit with your partner BE WITH your partner.  Dating takes work, time, and effort.  It is VERY hard to get out on a date when you have little ones but the truth is they will be gone one day and then what will you have?  Nothing if you do not continue to develop you relationship with your partner.

BE ON THEIR SIDE.  You don't have to agree with them and what they are doing but be on their team.  They need you on it.  The coach is just as important as the players, as is the water boy.  Do they always agree?  No, as will be that case in your relationship.  That disagreement doesn't mean you stop being your partners support.  

FEAR, it can be a *itch sometimes.  It can cause use to stop doing things, or start doing things.  To hind things from each other, or even to put up walls because we don't want to get hurt.  Fear is a natural response.  It is part of the Fight or Flight response.  Use it in the way it is intended, not in a way that will hold you back or work against you.

NEVER PART WITHOUT SAYING I LOVE YOU.  One of the most things I am most grateful for is the fact that the morning of Dayna's passing I said I LOVE YOU, he said I LOVE YOU, and we kissed each other goodbye.  I STILL 8 years later remember that kiss.  Wanting to pull him back into bed and never let go of him.

SPEAK KIND WORDS TO EACH OTHER.  Criticism is hurtful and can do much damage to your relationship.  We women tend to do this which then causes are partner to withdraw from us.  Become aware of yourself doing it, and we all have done it.  Work on being aware of it and then work on changing it.  You have all heard the saying  "You attract more bee's with honey, than with vinegar."  That is the same in your relationship.  

ARGUE, that's right have a a fight, now not a physical fight but argue with each other.  Every good relationship argues.  You can't help but to because you are two different people, raised differently, and have different views, experiences, and opinions.  BUT do not leave an argument without coming back to get.  Don't just walk out the door and think "I need to leave to cool off" without letting your partner know your going, and when you will come back.  Then COME BACK WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL.  

WORK THROUGH YOU TRASH.  Everyone takes things into a relationship, we all have stuff in our lives that affect us and need to be worked on.  DO IT.  Don't wait for someone else to fix it or you.  That is your job, you need to seek out the help you need so that you can stand on clean ground.  Things have a way of affecting us without even knowing it.  Do some self inventory of yourself and the situations you have been in.  Work through your hurt, and pain.  Don't run from it but embrace it and tackle it.

On a spiritual note I encourage your to say nightly prayers with your partner.  Nothing can bring you closer together, help you work through you relationship better than the power above.  He can help heal wounds, mend bridges, open your eyes to the others side, and just bless you both for trying and being together. 

Lastly TAKE A CHANCE AND JUMP.  Relationships are hard work but they are VERY work the work.  Nothing will reward you more than a good relationship with your partner.  It is scare to get back on the horse after being kicked off many times.  Yet, to that I say, the only way to know true love and that you have it is to also know what it is to not have it and be hurt from what you thought was love.  

Learn and grow together not apart.  To do this takes work and daily effort.  A fish can be pretty in a bowl but if you do not change it water, and feed it, it will die as will your relationship.

Time to get back to me. :D

Update time for me.  I have so much to say and thing.  Oh where to begin........  Well Dallin is now 9 years old.  This coming school year he will be in the 4th grade.  I my heck where has the time gone???  I am now fully licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist.  That took FOREVER or at least that is what I tell myself.   I am thinking about going back to school to get my Doctorate.  I am still trying to decide. Maybe by this time next year I will have made up my mind about it.  Well, tonight I have decided to post some picture.  I will log back in and update more later this week..