I have been pondering about relationships A LOT lately. I have friends who are struggling in them, ones who are in the mist of divorce, just learning to make it in the one we are in, and then there are those of us who are looking for another one.
I often get ask..... I am in this situation what do I do. Well, I am going to use my Marriage and Family Therapist Degree to answer some of those questions. First of relationships take WORK, daily work. The grass that you take care of is always going to look better than the one you are in, if you do not take care of it. It isn't just the others persons job to care fro your relationship. It takes BOTH of you.
Next, the moment you start to notice there is a problem in your relationship, seek out help, talk to your partner about it, be totally honest about what you are feeling. Do not WAIT for a better time to work through it. TAKE CARE OF IT TODAY. Never wait until tomorrow, or believe this will pass. It most often doesn't. If there is something going on, or you aren't hearing I love you as much, or you are not being as intimate as you once were. Those can be huge signs that something isn't going well. Never put off for tomorrow what you should have done today. Your relationship and partner desires it to be addressed now, not later.
Another thing is be TOTALLY HONEST with each other. Secrets given room for evil (or as I call it Satan) to get into your relationship. If you can't be honest with your partner then you need to fix that, or you married the wrong person. Being honest they you are having let's say an affair on them. Hard to tell them, and take ownership on but they deserve as do you total honesty.
ME TIME, each person needs time with the girls, or guys (stay with your same sex would be good advice). You need time away from each other to help grow your relationship. To help it become better. To help you become better. I will also say it is totally O.K. to take that me time just don't go over board on it. Remember BALANCE, life is about balance, as are relationships.
DATE and when I say date I do not mean just go to a movie, diner, or go out but truly DATE. Ask each other questions, find out each others hopes, dreams, desires, fears, worries, and so forth. Don't just sit with your partner BE WITH your partner. Dating takes work, time, and effort. It is VERY hard to get out on a date when you have little ones but the truth is they will be gone one day and then what will you have? Nothing if you do not continue to develop you relationship with your partner.
BE ON THEIR SIDE. You don't have to agree with them and what they are doing but be on their team. They need you on it. The coach is just as important as the players, as is the water boy. Do they always agree? No, as will be that case in your relationship. That disagreement doesn't mean you stop being your partners support.
FEAR, it can be a *itch sometimes. It can cause use to stop doing things, or start doing things. To hind things from each other, or even to put up walls because we don't want to get hurt. Fear is a natural response. It is part of the Fight or Flight response. Use it in the way it is intended, not in a way that will hold you back or work against you.
NEVER PART WITHOUT SAYING I LOVE YOU. One of the most things I am most grateful for is the fact that the morning of Dayna's passing I said I LOVE YOU, he said I LOVE YOU, and we kissed each other goodbye. I STILL 8 years later remember that kiss. Wanting to pull him back into bed and never let go of him.
SPEAK KIND WORDS TO EACH OTHER. Criticism is hurtful and can do much damage to your relationship. We women tend to do this which then causes are partner to withdraw from us. Become aware of yourself doing it, and we all have done it. Work on being aware of it and then work on changing it. You have all heard the saying "You attract more bee's with honey, than with vinegar." That is the same in your relationship.
ARGUE, that's right have a a fight, now not a physical fight but argue with each other. Every good relationship argues. You can't help but to because you are two different people, raised differently, and have different views, experiences, and opinions. BUT do not leave an argument without coming back to get. Don't just walk out the door and think "I need to leave to cool off" without letting your partner know your going, and when you will come back. Then COME BACK WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL.
WORK THROUGH YOU TRASH. Everyone takes things into a relationship, we all have stuff in our lives that affect us and need to be worked on. DO IT. Don't wait for someone else to fix it or you. That is your job, you need to seek out the help you need so that you can stand on clean ground. Things have a way of affecting us without even knowing it. Do some self inventory of yourself and the situations you have been in. Work through your hurt, and pain. Don't run from it but embrace it and tackle it.
On a spiritual note I encourage your to say nightly prayers with your partner. Nothing can bring you closer together, help you work through you relationship better than the power above. He can help heal wounds, mend bridges, open your eyes to the others side, and just bless you both for trying and being together.
Lastly TAKE A CHANCE AND JUMP. Relationships are hard work but they are VERY work the work. Nothing will reward you more than a good relationship with your partner. It is scare to get back on the horse after being kicked off many times. Yet, to that I say, the only way to know true love and that you have it is to also know what it is to not have it and be hurt from what you thought was love.
Learn and grow together not apart. To do this takes work and daily effort. A fish can be pretty in a bowl but if you do not change it water, and feed it, it will die as will your relationship.
I often get ask..... I am in this situation what do I do. Well, I am going to use my Marriage and Family Therapist Degree to answer some of those questions. First of relationships take WORK, daily work. The grass that you take care of is always going to look better than the one you are in, if you do not take care of it. It isn't just the others persons job to care fro your relationship. It takes BOTH of you.
Next, the moment you start to notice there is a problem in your relationship, seek out help, talk to your partner about it, be totally honest about what you are feeling. Do not WAIT for a better time to work through it. TAKE CARE OF IT TODAY. Never wait until tomorrow, or believe this will pass. It most often doesn't. If there is something going on, or you aren't hearing I love you as much, or you are not being as intimate as you once were. Those can be huge signs that something isn't going well. Never put off for tomorrow what you should have done today. Your relationship and partner desires it to be addressed now, not later.
Another thing is be TOTALLY HONEST with each other. Secrets given room for evil (or as I call it Satan) to get into your relationship. If you can't be honest with your partner then you need to fix that, or you married the wrong person. Being honest they you are having let's say an affair on them. Hard to tell them, and take ownership on but they deserve as do you total honesty.
ME TIME, each person needs time with the girls, or guys (stay with your same sex would be good advice). You need time away from each other to help grow your relationship. To help it become better. To help you become better. I will also say it is totally O.K. to take that me time just don't go over board on it. Remember BALANCE, life is about balance, as are relationships.
DATE and when I say date I do not mean just go to a movie, diner, or go out but truly DATE. Ask each other questions, find out each others hopes, dreams, desires, fears, worries, and so forth. Don't just sit with your partner BE WITH your partner. Dating takes work, time, and effort. It is VERY hard to get out on a date when you have little ones but the truth is they will be gone one day and then what will you have? Nothing if you do not continue to develop you relationship with your partner.
BE ON THEIR SIDE. You don't have to agree with them and what they are doing but be on their team. They need you on it. The coach is just as important as the players, as is the water boy. Do they always agree? No, as will be that case in your relationship. That disagreement doesn't mean you stop being your partners support.
FEAR, it can be a *itch sometimes. It can cause use to stop doing things, or start doing things. To hind things from each other, or even to put up walls because we don't want to get hurt. Fear is a natural response. It is part of the Fight or Flight response. Use it in the way it is intended, not in a way that will hold you back or work against you.
NEVER PART WITHOUT SAYING I LOVE YOU. One of the most things I am most grateful for is the fact that the morning of Dayna's passing I said I LOVE YOU, he said I LOVE YOU, and we kissed each other goodbye. I STILL 8 years later remember that kiss. Wanting to pull him back into bed and never let go of him.
SPEAK KIND WORDS TO EACH OTHER. Criticism is hurtful and can do much damage to your relationship. We women tend to do this which then causes are partner to withdraw from us. Become aware of yourself doing it, and we all have done it. Work on being aware of it and then work on changing it. You have all heard the saying "You attract more bee's with honey, than with vinegar." That is the same in your relationship.
ARGUE, that's right have a a fight, now not a physical fight but argue with each other. Every good relationship argues. You can't help but to because you are two different people, raised differently, and have different views, experiences, and opinions. BUT do not leave an argument without coming back to get. Don't just walk out the door and think "I need to leave to cool off" without letting your partner know your going, and when you will come back. Then COME BACK WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL.
WORK THROUGH YOU TRASH. Everyone takes things into a relationship, we all have stuff in our lives that affect us and need to be worked on. DO IT. Don't wait for someone else to fix it or you. That is your job, you need to seek out the help you need so that you can stand on clean ground. Things have a way of affecting us without even knowing it. Do some self inventory of yourself and the situations you have been in. Work through your hurt, and pain. Don't run from it but embrace it and tackle it.
On a spiritual note I encourage your to say nightly prayers with your partner. Nothing can bring you closer together, help you work through you relationship better than the power above. He can help heal wounds, mend bridges, open your eyes to the others side, and just bless you both for trying and being together.
Lastly TAKE A CHANCE AND JUMP. Relationships are hard work but they are VERY work the work. Nothing will reward you more than a good relationship with your partner. It is scare to get back on the horse after being kicked off many times. Yet, to that I say, the only way to know true love and that you have it is to also know what it is to not have it and be hurt from what you thought was love.
Learn and grow together not apart. To do this takes work and daily effort. A fish can be pretty in a bowl but if you do not change it water, and feed it, it will die as will your relationship.
Awe Terri Love, I am enjoying reading your blog. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts.
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