I have a HUGE fear that is going on in my head right now. I am so scared to get hurt that I will do just about anything to keep it from happening. This is TOTALLY wrong of me to do and I know it is. I know that I have to change this behavior but it is SO hard. Were is this statement taking you???? I don't want to be single anymore. Why does that matter? Well, I am finding ways to ruin a friendship that is building before I even meet the person. WHY?? FEAR. Well, let me explain better.
When I married Dayna I felt like I finally found my soul mate. I KNEW I was to marry him. The hard part though is that just shy of 4 years later I lost him to heart problems. This hurt me so much. Due to this pain I have found that over the last 8 years that I try to have a relationship end because I don't believe I will EVER be happy once more, that I don't deserve to be.
The thing is I believe I know what I want or need. I need someone who is patient with me. Who is willing to spend TIME with me, even if its just a quick hello, good bye. I need that quality time. I use to think I also needed physical touch but I am not sure it is a tie with quality time anymore. That time, having someone let me know that I matter and they want me to be apart of their life. Is so important. I think that is one reason I fell in love with Dayna so easily is because while we were developing our friendship he gave me that time.
Right now as I am trying to get to know this nice guy but I am struggling. See he is new to this single life and is getting to know several people. Which is good for him but not for me? I feel like I am getting less time with him due to him spending more time with others. This is causing my insecurities to go off full blast.
I just want to be enough for someone that they want to spend time with just me. That, they can't wait to hear my voice, see me, chat with me, spend time with me. That when I am not there they miss me and vice versa for me too.
Now can that happen all at once? HECK no, can that happen without meeting? I don't think so but what I have learned is that a connection on the phone can be made so strongly that you just want them in your life.
I don't want to rush a relationship but I do want to be in one. I don't want to date around. I have done that. I want to find someone who wants to focus on me and me focus on them. Letting us see what will come of it. How do you do that if you are not ready? How do you find out if one person has what you need when you are looking at so many models at one time? Why develop the friendship is you are not ready?
Right now all I know is that we both want to meet each other in person. Is that good enough for me though? Is there a way I can be happy with just a small piece of the pie that he has to offer right now? Can I be patient enough to wait on what could be?
I will give things a good thought...... He is still chatting with me, and plans to talk with me Sunday (I have a 5k run Saturday). So I must have something of interest to keep him wanting that much, but my fear is that while he is looking around that he will find something unexpected and that something will not be me. Which will put me back into the dating field. I SO badly do not want to be in it anymore. After 8 years I feel I am ready for it to be my time.
Now you can say all that I am writing is showing how selfish I can be, and your right it does show that. My only answer to that statement is that I can be selfish, impatient, dirty, lost, confused, happy, smart, loving, caring, good with kids. I am not perfect but I want someone in my life who is willing to take me for who I am. To grow in love with me for what I do have to offer.
No relationship is going to be easy. A blended family can be hard to blend but I believe anything is possible with God. Right now my head is saying "I just want to know if it is going to workout or not, so that I can, not go there, even a little bit if it isn't going to workout in the end."
I should feel lucky that he tell me he likes me but in my head I hear "I like you but not enough to just chat with you alone." Which my head then believes that I am not enough. What I have to offer so far doesn't trump all the other girls giving him attention.
I really want to just go with it but I am SO scared to get hurt that I am trying to mess it up before it has the chance get me hooked and then hurting so badly that I go backwards in my healing from my trauma. I am working SO hard to work through it that I don't want my hurt (which is a HUGE trigger to it) to cause me to stop or go backwards in where I am going.
I don't know if I can be patient enough to wait until September. I don't know if my head is going to get me to mess up the friendship so much that I lose any change of something more that I might have. I don't believe in love at first sight but I sure wish I could have it.
Alright I feel better getting that off my head. I hope that I can let this worry and stress I am having about getting hurt go so that I can just enjoy what is there.
When I married Dayna I felt like I finally found my soul mate. I KNEW I was to marry him. The hard part though is that just shy of 4 years later I lost him to heart problems. This hurt me so much. Due to this pain I have found that over the last 8 years that I try to have a relationship end because I don't believe I will EVER be happy once more, that I don't deserve to be.
The thing is I believe I know what I want or need. I need someone who is patient with me. Who is willing to spend TIME with me, even if its just a quick hello, good bye. I need that quality time. I use to think I also needed physical touch but I am not sure it is a tie with quality time anymore. That time, having someone let me know that I matter and they want me to be apart of their life. Is so important. I think that is one reason I fell in love with Dayna so easily is because while we were developing our friendship he gave me that time.
Right now as I am trying to get to know this nice guy but I am struggling. See he is new to this single life and is getting to know several people. Which is good for him but not for me? I feel like I am getting less time with him due to him spending more time with others. This is causing my insecurities to go off full blast.
I just want to be enough for someone that they want to spend time with just me. That, they can't wait to hear my voice, see me, chat with me, spend time with me. That when I am not there they miss me and vice versa for me too.
Now can that happen all at once? HECK no, can that happen without meeting? I don't think so but what I have learned is that a connection on the phone can be made so strongly that you just want them in your life.
I don't want to rush a relationship but I do want to be in one. I don't want to date around. I have done that. I want to find someone who wants to focus on me and me focus on them. Letting us see what will come of it. How do you do that if you are not ready? How do you find out if one person has what you need when you are looking at so many models at one time? Why develop the friendship is you are not ready?
Right now all I know is that we both want to meet each other in person. Is that good enough for me though? Is there a way I can be happy with just a small piece of the pie that he has to offer right now? Can I be patient enough to wait on what could be?
I will give things a good thought...... He is still chatting with me, and plans to talk with me Sunday (I have a 5k run Saturday). So I must have something of interest to keep him wanting that much, but my fear is that while he is looking around that he will find something unexpected and that something will not be me. Which will put me back into the dating field. I SO badly do not want to be in it anymore. After 8 years I feel I am ready for it to be my time.
Now you can say all that I am writing is showing how selfish I can be, and your right it does show that. My only answer to that statement is that I can be selfish, impatient, dirty, lost, confused, happy, smart, loving, caring, good with kids. I am not perfect but I want someone in my life who is willing to take me for who I am. To grow in love with me for what I do have to offer.
No relationship is going to be easy. A blended family can be hard to blend but I believe anything is possible with God. Right now my head is saying "I just want to know if it is going to workout or not, so that I can, not go there, even a little bit if it isn't going to workout in the end."
I should feel lucky that he tell me he likes me but in my head I hear "I like you but not enough to just chat with you alone." Which my head then believes that I am not enough. What I have to offer so far doesn't trump all the other girls giving him attention.
I really want to just go with it but I am SO scared to get hurt that I am trying to mess it up before it has the chance get me hooked and then hurting so badly that I go backwards in my healing from my trauma. I am working SO hard to work through it that I don't want my hurt (which is a HUGE trigger to it) to cause me to stop or go backwards in where I am going.
I don't know if I can be patient enough to wait until September. I don't know if my head is going to get me to mess up the friendship so much that I lose any change of something more that I might have. I don't believe in love at first sight but I sure wish I could have it.
Alright I feel better getting that off my head. I hope that I can let this worry and stress I am having about getting hurt go so that I can just enjoy what is there.
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