Wow Chill out

So I guess I have opened my mouth and put my foot in it.  I have some how offended people on Facebook without even meaning to or even talking to them.  My comments to my other friends have seemed to get their worries up and have a few people (one who I could care less about) upset.  I really did not mean things the way they came across in most cases.  In the one I don't care about jealousy is a horrible thing just so all you know.  I do not what her boyfriend.  I have been down that road many times and none of them worked out. I think I have learned my lesson and am not planning to open that door once more.  Lesson learned. So what I say to her boyfriend (who is still just a friend) should not matter really. Well unless she is not sure about herself in her relationship with him.  I am nothing to worry about unless there is something else going on that I have no clue about.  I don't even know why his family is telling her a lot about me.  I am not worth the time and effort really. Guess they seem to think that I am cause they are.  My good friend thinks that maybe he still wants to be with me and his family knows that, and that is why she is all freaked out.  I laugh at this one too.  So I just don't get why what I say seems to mater so much to people who truly do not even know me.  I am giving this more attention than I even should.

I applied for a job that I REALLY, REALLY want to get an interview for.  So anyone that is reading this please pray that I get an interview or even better yet the job.  It would be really great for my son and I.  It would be an answer to many, many needed blessings that I could use.  I know that if it is to be that God will provide a way for it to happen. Sometimes it is just about having faith in him and his plan for me.  I am trying so hard to find just the right part-time job for my life.  I really feel that part-time is the best answer for my son.  If I work full-time and do my practicum then I will be away from my little man 80+ hours a week. That would not be the best thing for him.  I know this, so I am just going to focus on finding a better part-time paying job (with benefits would be a HUGE plus).  I feel really good about this choice and so now I will do my part and leave the rest up to the Lord.  Thank you to all my family, friends for all your love, prayers, and support. I am truly blessed to know you all. Thanks  

Words from another brings me peace.

So I have been struggling lately with life.  I have felt like I have been a burden to many and just wish that I was at the point where I could do it on my own and not help anymore.  I am VERY, VERY grateful for all the help that my church, family, and friends have given me.  I can never say thank you enough for all that I have been given and blessed with.  It's just that I have felt guilty about it.  I know that my situation is not normal.  That I am going to school to better myself, my situation, and others.  That through my blessings of receiving I am better able to help others throughout my life.  This time in my life has been a blessing and taught me much as well as humbled to my knees to say thank you to God for everything so many times over.  So all this receiving has just cause me to be a bit over whelmed and prideful in a way.  I so badly want to be on my own taking care of all my needs in so many more way than I currently can.  Yet after today I have learned that we all have needs.  That we all at times need gift and blessing from others that we can not do for ourselves.  That God love me and that he does but a limit on the gift that he has for me so way do I.  Today I met with a member of the stake presidency and he was just what my soul needed.  He told me that he knew God was please with my choices and what I was doing.  That I needed to see my receiving as a gift and a blessing not just for me but for those who serve me.  That I am doing all that God wants for me right now and that I should not run faster than I can (I have been trying to lately, or at least picking up to a nice fast pace).  That the desires of my heart are good and righteous.  That I am a good woman who will do great things in my life and for God.  That right now is my time to receive to prepare me for my time to give.  I left the office feeling like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders.  It was testified to me once more that God listen to my prayers, knows the desires of my heart, and knows me and what is best for me if I will just but trust him.  Trusting and letting go is hard for me but I am getting better at it.  Today was an wonderful day of answered prayers for my.  I will go to bed with peace in my soul tonight.  Thank you God, my family, my friends, and all those others who have given and served me.  You can never know just how much I am grateful to you all for it.  I truly am so VERY, VERY, grateful to you all.  May God bless you more for what you have done for my son and I. I am truly a blessed woman.  Thanks

My weekend of Crap but finding good in it anyways.

So my weekend hasn't been the best one for me.  It started off with my dad going into the hospital to have two stunts put in.  They weren't planned and I didn't even know he was having testing done.  So it came as a big shock for me.  Two things here I don't do well with one my dad in the hospital and second have them do things to his heart.  So that left me on edge on Friday just a BIT.  Then Saturday I get an Facebook email to look at my sister-in-laws status to find out my father-in-law was dying.  Issue here beside that he was dying and a kind old man. I don't do death well with anyone close to me.  I haven't since Dayna died.  It send me into a tailspin every time.  I have only been to one funeral since his death and always find some good reason not to go to them cause even at that one I cried my eyes out and was a emotional wreck.  Did I say that I just don't do death at ALL?  Then to top off my weekend I had a bad day at church.  Normally I love church but today was just not a good day.  I know that what was said was meant well but it came out hurtful and just sent me into tears for the rest of the day.  I know that my son is difficult at times, with a short attention span, and need extra attention that.  I also am very aware as he is when people don't really like him, want him around, or are bother by him.  That was the experience today.  That he just wasn't wanted.  I had already been emotionally drained this week, feel like so often I am not doing the best job as a parent, and that I am a burden to my ward.  So the comment that was to mean well but said in a way that you knew was not with love.  Just hurt me to my core today.  Nothing was harder than trying to explain to my son that he wasn't being good enough or sit still enough while the whole time he was saying.  Mommy I was trying to be good.  Mommy I will be good please let me go back.  I was able to make to the door to leave church before the tear came pouring out of my eyes.  Then for the next 9 hours almost with only a few hours in between of none. 

Don't get me wrong I know that this person did not mean to hurt me.  That she was not prepared or trained at working with children like my son.  I also know that even to me he can be difficult to handle and I need a break.  Its just that today was not the day for all of this.  It was like they say it was the icing on the cake that sent me over.  Its hard to know that the primary at time has talked about my son and that he is seen as the difficult child.  Yet, its just as hard to send him somewhere he loves that just really truly in their hearts doesn't want him there or thinks it would just be easier if he wasn't there.  I am very protective of him.  So him hurt today just made my hurt worse.  He tries to do what is right and be good. It is just SO hard for him to sit still and pay attention when it doesn't keep him stimulated.  He need consistency.  He lives for consistency and stability in his life.  Without it he is like a sinking ship.

So right now I am just emotionally on empty.  I feel drained and not good enough.  That as a single mother I am just not able to do it all.  Now don't get me wrong I know that its not true but that is just how I feel right now.  I am very blessed to have wonderful home teachers to come and giving me a blessing that helped me so much.  To have to great men who care over me and my son. I am truly blessed.  I also know that through this struggle I will grow and become stronger.  That it is one of those test that I need to go through to become better.  I also know that the comment that sent me over was not meant to hurt me.  I know that I have prayer and that God not only listen and hears my prayers but most importantly he answer each of them. I also want to say how wonderful of a son I have.  He truly is such a lovely, caring, smart, and energetic child.  His ability to love everyone no matter what is what I wish I was more able to do.  His sweet innocence makes him such a joy to parent.  He laugh heals me and is so powerful to me as a mother.  He love church, primary, the scriptures, and praying so much.  He knows Jesus.  He is so cute when he does things only because he see me doing them and want to be like me.  He wants to please people and hates feeling like he is in trouble.  His love is infectious and such a treasure to have.  I am so blessed that he calls me mom, or momma (never mommy). He loves to learn you can see that twinkle in his eyes when he is learning and he LOVES it.  I love you Dallin and am so grateful and blessed to call you my son.  I will always love you no matter what.  Your a true joy to me and my life.  Thank you for loving me and being my son.  

Sometimes life needs a Second Look.

So I was think back on my life today. I was thinking back about 3 or 4 months ago.  When I was in the processing of a relationship that I cared very much about was ending.  It hurt very much and I was hurt by the person.  I am sure if you asked him my actions hurt him and things were going to end anyways.  Life always has different views depending on who you as and what their side of it is about.  I don't care so much anymore that things ended.  Well in truth I am grateful, very grateful that they ended. I see that he needed someone closer to him, that was more small town minded than I am, and who wasn't as stubborn about things as I am.  Its not that he is a bad guy or anything was wrong with him per-say it is just that he was not the right person for me.  That I deserved more in different ways than he could offer Dallin and I.  What he has to offer can and I am sure one day work for someone else but for us looking back I can now see that it wasn't the best thing for us.  God allowed me to choose because i have agency but he had a better plan for me if I was just willing to listen and follow his path.  I always can choose whatever I want but some choices aren't going to make me the happiest in the end.  Since God is a loving, kind, and giving God he wants what is best for me.  That person was not who was best for me.  He could be the best for someone else but the person is not me.  Does that make sense?  I am very glad that things turned out the way they did.  I learned much from that relationship.  I gain much from the struggle I had to go in and out of it.  I bettered myself because of the whole experience of it. I am a better person for having been through it all.  I will be able to us what I learned and experienced while doing therapy with others.  In the end what I went through is a blessing to me and for me.  Even though it still was not the best choice that God wanted for me he still blessed me because of it.  His love for me is there even when I am not the best Daughter of God.  I am so humbled by his love and kindness towards me.  I am truly blessed.

Often I think that when we are going through things we are not able to have a clear picture of the situations because we are to much in them.  Its hard to be open about things when are emotions and feelings are wrapped in them.  Yet, if we can look back on the good and bad and see the blessing from them we are better for them.  I think to often we are so negative about life, experiences, pains, and love that we can't stop and see that each thing we go through has something to offer us.  It might be hard to go through it but think of the strength you have for being able to go through it.  Then next time

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a trail comes you will have more strength to go through that one because you got through this one.  We so often do not give ourselves enough credit for who we are or what we can do.  We so often down play the things we do and not see the strength and abilities we have because of them or for them.  We say oh I am just a mom or a student or a wife but forget to look that the strength that we have for doing them.  The greatness in us that we are hardly ever seen in us by us.  I am seeing more and more each day in me that I am great and there is nothing wrong with me being great.  If you don't think that I am as great as I think I am that is just fine. I don't live my life for you.  I am stronger than you know. I am happier because I can be.  I do because I can.  I am because God made me and he doesn't make mistakes.  Thank you God for all that I am and all that I have learned and gone through.

Somedays are a taste of Heaven.

So I just finished two more classes and got A's in both!! You have no idea how proud I am of myself right now.  One teacher I was so scared of because I am not good at writing and she is an A++++ in APA and writing.  I got an A out of her class.  This means I can write and I can do this and this is the right thing I am to be doing.  Its such a rewarding feeling.  To KNOW where you are is a good thing and its the right thing. I am so at peace in where I am headed right now. Don't get me wrong its not easy but its right.  It being right is what is giving me the peace I need to continue pushing forward.

Today I misses Dayna once more.  I miss him so much lately.  Today I took Dallin out to ride his bike. He finally got it. He can ride his bike.  Also on Friday I took him swimming and I forgot his floaties so I let him swim with just one and he could do it. Then we took off both and what do you know he can swim.  Yes that is right my little man can swim by himself even in the 9ft area.  :)  I am such a proud momma. I know that Dayna is proud also but I sure wish I could share it with him.   One day, one day all in good time.



I am also getting a lesson on the Lord's timing.  It is all about his timing if I will let it be. Granted I can always make my own choices and have that agency to do so.  Yet, if I will let him direct my path then I will be happier than I ever thought I could be. I always have the right to make my own choices but when I let God help direct me then I end up on the better path or end up there soon than I would all alone.  It really is an amazing thing when I let myself trust and have faith in him.  He knows what I need better than I do.  It is hard and sometimes I fight back wanting to do it my own way.  Then I learn the hard lesson that I should of listened to him in the first place.  I am worried about getting the right job for me right now. I feel that its time for a change and that I need a better paying or full-time job.  I would be happier with a much higher paying part-time job with having to do practicum hours too each week. So part-time would give me time with my son which is always the most important thing to me is TIME with our son. No one can make up for me not spending time with him.  In the end it would eat me alive each day.  So my hunt is for a much higher part-time job so that I can spend time with my son and not have to live with the guilt at the end of the day.  So please pray for me that I will be blessed with the perfect job for me and my situation.  Thanks <3 you all.