What the hey?

So I don't know what it is lately but I miss Dayna I did that whole first year.  I just hurt for him to be here with me.  I miss his laugh, jokes, funny comments, comic book, hero clix, and just his love for me.  I feel like come on Christ can you come already so I can be with the man of my dreams once more.  I feel so blessed to have the chance to be loved by Dayna.  He is the greatest man I have ever met. His love for me, for us was so pure.  I often feel at times not worthy to have his love and guidance in my life.  I know he is never far from us and watches over us often.  Its just that I wish I could at least have him at night time and give him back to God during the day.  It seems far to me, I can share, really I can.  I don't know if I will ever marry once more, or even get to be blessed with more children.  All I know is that whom ever comes into my life has to be willing to share me with Dayna and in the end let me go back to him. So I guess this leave me to just looking at widowers to date.  Then the issues that I have in my head about this whole dating and marrying thing won't be such big issues.  Dayna your the best husband, daddy, and friend that we could ever ask for.  We love and miss you each and everyday.  We can't wait to continue our lives with you in heaven.  xoxoxox  Love, Terri and Dallin

Today's Thoughts

I should be in bed. It is late and I need sleep.  Yet, I had to come and post my thoughts before I go to bed.  I was just laying next to Dallin in bed.  My mind started to wonder off to thinking how just 3 1/2 years ago I was with Dayna.  That Dallin wasn't even one yet and how hard life was but it was still very good.  I just thought wow how I miss Dayna so much still.  Yea its not as hard each day but I do not miss him any less.  Time doesn't change the hurt its just easier to deal with, with more time.  My heart still hurts when I think about Dayna.  I still miss him with each breath that I breath.  The breathing is different now but there is still missing in it. 

I sit and think about how my world stopped the day I lost him.  That its still not turning right but it hard to start once more for Dallin.  For me even.  I never thought I would be where I am today.  Doing what I am and achieving what I am.  I know that Dayna watches over us and that I am blessed.  God does have a special place in his heart for widows.  God grants me so many wonderful blessings that often I forget to say thank you for them all.  I am grateful for each and every one of them.  I know that God watches over us and guides my life.

Dayna how I wish you were still here.  How much I miss just talking to you and cuddling next to you.  You made me feel so loved and treasured.  I know that you loved me more than anything.  I know that we were meant to find each other.  You are my prince and I can't wait to see you once more.  To have you hold me and just kiss away my fears.  I miss you silly jokes.  I miss your smell.  I miss you honey.  It is still hard to breath without.  You will forever be in my heart.  I love you Boo.

way to much

I have been having way to much on my mind lately.  I have been thinking about the past once more.  Then today I lost it on D.  He just said some hurtful things to me in a text message and I responded with mean comments back.  As you can tell there are still some strong feelings between us.  They say you only hurt those you love.  Well I guess that is true. I mean I did love him. Not sure if I still love him.  I do know that I am very, very deeply hurt by him, his actions, his reactions, and some things that his sister has said to me.  I kept trying so hard to hold on to the positives that I gained.  The lesson that I learned from my relationship with him. Yet, in moments like today it is very hard not to wish I was some witch with powers and I could turn him into a toad.  The worse part is now I have to go to bed and say my prayers.  I have to ask for forgiveness from god and one day from D.  The person I was today isn't who I am.  Its this mean person in me that comes out fighting when I am hurting.  I don't know what hurt worse for him to say mean things about me or to confirm that he is with C.  I mean I knew that he had been and that he was very fast after we ended.  Yet, its amazing what you can pretend in your head so that you don't have to pay attention to truth.  This whole situation has been so spiritual hard for me.  I mean what do you do when someone tell you they know they their blessing was talking about me.  That they know that they are to be with you.  That they asked about you when then got it.  Then you get a blessing that says it will be but just endure.  Then it ends like this.  I so badly want to do what is right. I want God to be pleased with me.  I want to be with the person who is right for me.  Yet, now its over so it must not of been that right.  I know, I know we all have our agency.  That the choices we make change what is to be right.  That by making those choice what was right is no longer right.  So if this was how it was all going to end up why tell me that it was to be?  What am I to learn from that?  I mean I would of learned the same lessons that I did whether or not God told me those things.  So why? Do I still have something to learn?  Does it come down to timing and its just not the right time?  How do you walk away from something that was right and not feel like you failed?  Does this make sense to anyone else?  Can anyone else see that I am still hurting even though I am moving on.  That the things this person says and does still gets back to me and still hurts me so deeply.  Am I always going to hurt over this person?  Why can't the feelings that are their just die?  Why do we have to be so mean to each other?  Why do I just want to make him hurt like he hurt me?  I feel so lied to, cheated on, deceived, and used.  I guess since those are the feelings that I feel it makes sense that I am so angry at him.  The thing is that I don't want to be anymore.  I don't want to hate him like I do.  I don't want to feel this guilt inside like I do right now.  I guess I am still young and have much to learn.  I am learning how hard it is to be Christlike.  I am in wonder at Christ and his ability to love and forever everyone.  I am so far from being that perfect.  I am such a weak person. My behavior shows me how much I still have to learn and grow from.

My other thought today is will I ever find another that I truly love and who will love me?  Who will treat me good and not but boundaries on how that love should play out.  Who is willing to accept me for who I am with all my strengths and weakness and love me despite my mistakes.  So many days lately I believe I am never to have another baby, never to get to be held in another mans arms and know that I am truly loved. That I will have to wait until death to feel that love once more.  That Dayna was my one and only chance at that.  That it was so good with him that I have to wait until I am dead to have it once more.  My heart hurts so much.  I know I am not the only person who is struggling right now.  I know that others that I know have doubts and fears.  I know that when I service others it does help the hurt.  Yes I know these things but that still doesn't stop the loneliness or hurt from being there each morning when I wake until I fall asleep.  I am trying to have faith in his plan and know that God loves me so much and just wants me to be happy.  That the road I am on even though its hard and hurts will bring me true joy in the end.  Yet, right now all I can see is that I am weak.  That I have stopped seeing another guy today cause I was not really ready and knew that it was not right.  Some days I wish I could be different and just let go of my faith.  If I could just allow myself to settle for less then I would not be alone.  That just it.  I can't do that.  I know what true love and happiness in a marriage and relationship is like. I want nothing less than what I share with Dayna.


Another piece of me is jealous of others. I see all these cute couples who have someone.  Who are having babies.  Who seem to have it all.  Yea I know what I see is not what is real.  That doesn't matter thought cause it is how I see it.  It is the situation as I am viewing it.  So in a thought it is my reality.  I want to kick people who take for granted what they have.  Who don't tell their loved ones they love them each chance they have.  I lost my soul mate.  God needed him more than Dallin and I did on this earth.  Each day I am reminded that I am alone.  That Dayna is in heaven and I am here raising our son without him.  My heart breaks and even though they say time heals all wounds. I am here to tell you that it doesn't heal them it just makes them easier to deal with.  I feel so weak and not good enough today.  I feel I have let God, and Dayna down in who I am.  That I gave into my hurt and in return hurt someone else.  Am I always going to hurt like this?  Will I ever get that chance to have another baby?  Will I find another who will love me?  I guess right now I am just feeling to much hurt and pain.  I am lonely oh so very lonely tonight.  I am sorry.  Today was very personal.  I hope you all can understand that today I am just hurting inside very much for many different reasons.  I love you all.  hugs

Birthday Month.

I think I should have a whole month of party for my birthday this year. You know wake up each morning and just spend the say in party mode.  LOL if only life could be that much fun.  So whatever am I going to do for my birthday this year. I have 21 days to figure it all out. 

So on the brighter side of life two of my classes will be over in 3 weeks.  Yippy but then I have to finish another 2 plus 1 more. At least this semester is 1/4 of the way over.  That makes me so happy.  I am stressing about me finding a full-time job. I am applying for a few different ones that I really, really want at UVU.

I am thinking about what I can do with Dallin.   I need to work on structure with him and having a schedule that he can see and follow. I need to work on a to do list with pictures that he can see and follow and have rewards for him for each task that he does. I would like to put a few small chores on the to do list also.  I would also like to have a reading schedule to work up with him.  Anyone have any good ideas or pdf files of their task list for their children they want to share. 

I have such a wonderful little man.  He keeps talking to his heart and telling me that he is talking to his daddy. It is the sweetest most touching moment that he allows me to see.  He is such a wonderful and special little man.  He is so dear and gives the best loves and kisses ever.  He is such a love child.  How did I ever get so blessed to have him be mine and I get to raise such a choice sweet spirit.  How much I love him more and more each day.  He brings such joy and warmth to my soul.  He is my greatest blessing.  I love my little man sooo much. <3 you Dallin