Overload.....

I have a HUGE fear that is going on in my head right now.  I am so scared to get hurt that I will do just about anything to keep it from happening.  This is TOTALLY wrong of me to do and I know it is.  I know that I have to change this behavior but it is SO hard.  Were is this statement taking you???? I don't want to be single anymore.  Why does that matter?  Well, I am finding ways to ruin a friendship that is building before I even meet the person.  WHY??  FEAR.  Well, let me explain better.

When I married Dayna I felt like I finally found my soul mate.  I KNEW I was to marry him.  The hard part though is that just shy of 4 years later I lost him to heart problems.  This hurt me so much. Due to this pain I have found that over the last 8 years that I try to have a relationship end because I don't believe I will EVER be happy once more, that I don't deserve to be.

The thing is I believe I know what I want or need.  I need someone who is patient with me.  Who is willing to spend TIME with me, even if its just a quick hello, good bye.  I need that quality time.  I use to think I also needed physical touch but I am not sure it is a tie with quality time anymore.  That time, having someone let me know that I matter and they want me to be apart of their life.  Is so important. I think that is one reason I fell in love with Dayna so easily is because while we were developing our friendship he gave me that time.

Right now as I am trying to get to know this nice guy but I am struggling.  See he is new to this single life and is getting to know several people.  Which is good for him but not for me?  I feel like I am getting less time with him due to him spending more time with others.  This is causing my insecurities to go off full blast.  

I just want to be enough for someone that they want to spend time with just me.  That, they can't wait to hear my voice, see me, chat with me, spend time with me.  That when I am not there they miss me and vice versa for me too.

Now can that happen all at once?  HECK no, can that happen without meeting?  I don't think so but what I have learned is that a connection on the phone can be made so strongly that you just want them in your life.

I don't want to rush a relationship but I do want to be in one.  I don't want to date around.  I have done that.  I want to find someone who wants to focus on me and me focus on them.  Letting us see what will come of it.  How do you do that if you are not ready?  How do you find out if one person has what you need when you are looking at so many models at one time? Why develop the friendship is you are not ready?

Right now all I know is that we both want to meet each other in person.  Is that good enough for me though?  Is there a way I can be happy with just a small piece of the pie that he has to offer right now?  Can I be patient enough to wait on what could be?

I will give things a good thought......  He is still chatting with me, and plans to talk with me Sunday (I have a 5k run Saturday).  So I must have something of interest to keep him wanting that much, but my fear is that while he is looking around that he will find something unexpected and that something will not be me.  Which will put me back into the dating field.  I SO badly do not want to be in it anymore.  After 8 years I feel I am ready for it to be my time.

Now you can say all that I am writing is showing how selfish I can be, and your right it does show that.  My only answer to that statement is that I can be selfish, impatient, dirty, lost, confused, happy, smart, loving, caring, good with kids.  I am not perfect but I want someone in my life who is willing to take me for who I am.  To grow in love with me for what I do have to offer.  

No relationship is going to be easy.  A blended family can be hard to blend but I believe anything is possible with God.  Right now my head is saying "I just want to know if it is going to workout or not, so that I can, not go there, even a little bit if it isn't going to workout in the end."

I should feel lucky that he tell me he likes me but in my head I hear "I like you but not enough to just chat with you alone."  Which my head then believes that I am not enough.  What I have to offer so far doesn't trump all the other girls giving him attention.  

I really want to just go with it but I am SO scared to get hurt that I am trying to mess it up before it has the chance get me hooked and then hurting so badly that I go backwards in my healing from my trauma.  I am working SO hard to work through it that I don't want my hurt (which is a HUGE trigger to it) to cause me to stop or go backwards in where I am going.

I don't know if I can be patient enough to wait until September.  I don't know if my head is going to get me to mess up the friendship so much that I lose any change of something more that I might have.  I don't believe in love at first sight but I sure wish I could have it. 

Alright I feel better getting that off my head.  I hope that I can let this worry and stress I am having about getting hurt go so that I can just enjoy what is there.

Relationships

I have been pondering about relationships A LOT lately.  I have friends who are struggling in them, ones who are in the mist of divorce, just learning to make it in the one we are in, and then there are those of us who are looking for another one.

I often get ask.....  I am in this situation what do I do.   Well, I am going to use my Marriage and Family Therapist Degree to answer some of those questions.  First of relationships take WORK, daily work.  The grass that you take care of is always going to look better than the one you are in, if you do not take care of it.  It isn't just the others persons job to care fro your relationship.  It takes BOTH of you.

Next, the moment you start to notice there is a problem in your relationship, seek out help, talk to your partner about it,  be totally honest about what you are feeling.  Do not WAIT for a better time to work through it.  TAKE CARE OF IT TODAY.  Never wait until tomorrow, or believe this will pass.  It most often doesn't.  If there is something going on, or you aren't hearing I love you as much, or you are not being as intimate as you once were.  Those can be huge signs that something isn't going well. Never put off for tomorrow what you should have done today.  Your relationship and partner desires it to be addressed now, not later.

Another thing is be TOTALLY HONEST with each other.  Secrets given room for evil (or as I call it Satan) to get into your relationship.  If you can't be honest with your partner then you need to fix that, or you married the wrong person.  Being honest they you are having let's say an affair on them.  Hard to tell them, and take ownership on but they deserve as do you total honesty.

ME TIME, each person needs time with the girls, or guys (stay with your same sex would be good advice).   You need time away from each other to help grow your relationship.  To help it become better.  To help you become better.  I will also say it is totally O.K. to take that me time just don't go over board on it.  Remember BALANCE, life is about balance, as are relationships.

DATE and when I say date I do not mean just go to a movie, diner, or go out but truly DATE.  Ask each other questions, find out each others hopes, dreams, desires, fears, worries, and so forth.  Don't just sit with your partner BE WITH your partner.  Dating takes work, time, and effort.  It is VERY hard to get out on a date when you have little ones but the truth is they will be gone one day and then what will you have?  Nothing if you do not continue to develop you relationship with your partner.

BE ON THEIR SIDE.  You don't have to agree with them and what they are doing but be on their team.  They need you on it.  The coach is just as important as the players, as is the water boy.  Do they always agree?  No, as will be that case in your relationship.  That disagreement doesn't mean you stop being your partners support.  

FEAR, it can be a *itch sometimes.  It can cause use to stop doing things, or start doing things.  To hind things from each other, or even to put up walls because we don't want to get hurt.  Fear is a natural response.  It is part of the Fight or Flight response.  Use it in the way it is intended, not in a way that will hold you back or work against you.

NEVER PART WITHOUT SAYING I LOVE YOU.  One of the most things I am most grateful for is the fact that the morning of Dayna's passing I said I LOVE YOU, he said I LOVE YOU, and we kissed each other goodbye.  I STILL 8 years later remember that kiss.  Wanting to pull him back into bed and never let go of him.

SPEAK KIND WORDS TO EACH OTHER.  Criticism is hurtful and can do much damage to your relationship.  We women tend to do this which then causes are partner to withdraw from us.  Become aware of yourself doing it, and we all have done it.  Work on being aware of it and then work on changing it.  You have all heard the saying  "You attract more bee's with honey, than with vinegar."  That is the same in your relationship.  

ARGUE, that's right have a a fight, now not a physical fight but argue with each other.  Every good relationship argues.  You can't help but to because you are two different people, raised differently, and have different views, experiences, and opinions.  BUT do not leave an argument without coming back to get.  Don't just walk out the door and think "I need to leave to cool off" without letting your partner know your going, and when you will come back.  Then COME BACK WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL.  

WORK THROUGH YOU TRASH.  Everyone takes things into a relationship, we all have stuff in our lives that affect us and need to be worked on.  DO IT.  Don't wait for someone else to fix it or you.  That is your job, you need to seek out the help you need so that you can stand on clean ground.  Things have a way of affecting us without even knowing it.  Do some self inventory of yourself and the situations you have been in.  Work through your hurt, and pain.  Don't run from it but embrace it and tackle it.

On a spiritual note I encourage your to say nightly prayers with your partner.  Nothing can bring you closer together, help you work through you relationship better than the power above.  He can help heal wounds, mend bridges, open your eyes to the others side, and just bless you both for trying and being together. 

Lastly TAKE A CHANCE AND JUMP.  Relationships are hard work but they are VERY work the work.  Nothing will reward you more than a good relationship with your partner.  It is scare to get back on the horse after being kicked off many times.  Yet, to that I say, the only way to know true love and that you have it is to also know what it is to not have it and be hurt from what you thought was love.  

Learn and grow together not apart.  To do this takes work and daily effort.  A fish can be pretty in a bowl but if you do not change it water, and feed it, it will die as will your relationship.

Time to get back to me. :D

Update time for me.  I have so much to say and thing.  Oh where to begin........  Well Dallin is now 9 years old.  This coming school year he will be in the 4th grade.  I my heck where has the time gone???  I am now fully licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist.  That took FOREVER or at least that is what I tell myself.   I am thinking about going back to school to get my Doctorate.  I am still trying to decide. Maybe by this time next year I will have made up my mind about it.  Well, tonight I have decided to post some picture.  I will log back in and update more later this week..