Times are changing

So we made it through another Halloween. It's getting to my hard time in my life once more. The closer I get to the holidays, then I get closer to Feb 7. I don't want this year to turn me into a spin like all the other years. I am ready for the pain and hurt to stop. I just want to remember the good times and good memories. I know with each years passing it hurts less for me. The truth is that time does heal wounds. All the time I am seeing myself grow and becoming so much stronger as a person. I know that even if I have to do it all by myself, that I can as long as God is with Dallin and I.

I was beginning to think maybe God was ready to put another man into Dallins and my life. Now I am not so sure. I question the situation and wonder am I really listening to the Lord or am I just doing something that I want. I so badly want someone to share my life with once more. Someone who is loving, caring, giving, honest, true and supportive of me. I am ever going to find it? When I find it am I going to let it go cause I am to scared to be hurt once more.

I don't know maybe I am making the right choice, or maybe I am making the wrong one. I open my door only to fight myself from letting me close it. I don't want to fight with myself anymore. I just want to let him in and stop worrying about if I am going to get hurt once more. Why can't I seem to just accept the moment and enjoy the time I get. There is someone I am really truly starting to care about, that I am beginning to believe I could spend my life with and want to. So why am I fighting it inside sometimes. Why can't I just let it happen. Admitting what I think and feel or at least think that I am beginning to feel. Sometimes I just say something cause I am hurting and so I just say I am going away. The truth is though I don't think that I can. I know that I at least don't want to go away from him even in the least.

Can someone tell me how you can miss someone so much it hurts when you haven't seen them in years. How just by talking and sharing your daily moments with them and they with you, you end up closer. It seems that we are building something strong and lasting even though were not meaning to. Its just happening. You know what, it feel good inside to. It feels great to have someone to talk with and who want to hear what you have to say. All I know is that right now I want to be there with him. Does that make me horrible? I guess now all I do is wait and see how the game plays out for this one. Night everyone. Hugs