So a few people in my inner circle have heard me talk about Bryce. He is a widower whose wife died in a car wreck; she was also pregnant with their twin girls. In a few hours he lost his world. His whole world. This event has taken him a very, very long time to get healthy from. He still isn't healthy from it and he will be the first to admit that to me. So I guess this blog is more for me to work some things around my head.
Bryce is my best friend. In a very odd and strange way cause we have not met in 3 1/2 years just instant message each other. There isn't anything we don't know about each other. The only other person I shared that with is Dayna. We both have helped each other heal in this journey. We have a very strong connection but it’s within boundaries. It started with his boundaries, and his rules about our friendship. Yet, now it is turning into my boundaries and my rules. He is trying so hard to be respectful, thoughtful, kind, caring, and just trying. It is noticeable to.
He asked me the other night "Terri, what do you want from this?' All I could say was "I don't know."
Still after a week and half thinking about this question, I still do not know. There is a part of me that knows what I want but is scared that I will get hurt if I tell him. Part of me says, "Terri, you know you don't want this you want more." Then I stop and think about the last 3 1/2 years. There is SO MUCH there. I truly care about him. I can't even tell you the change that is coming over him. It is amazing, I think he is AMAZING. I just don't want to get hurt and with Bryce there have been times when I got hurt. We have tried to say goodbye to each other 3 times and each time we come back to each other. Closer and sharing more and more getting closer and closer to each other, well as much as you can without meeting.
Right now he is the last person I chat with before bed. When he asks me to stay and not go yet, I listen and stay. When I say "doesn’t go yet” he stays too. AuGh!!!! What am I letting go on here. I have kept my distance from men since Dennis. I told myself I was not going to do something once more out of loneliness. Dennis was TOTALLY out of loneliness and attention. So in my head I wonder is this the same thing. Am I doing this cause of that? Am I letting him in, and I admit it I am letting him in, cause I am lonely. Or cause it’s been a year since Dennis and I kind of get involved with someone about once a year? Is that what I am doing? OR................
Is it just about time and this time it is time. I have to say on my side that things in my life are finally to a point that I can look at something more than school, and my son. School is pretty much done and I don't have to worry about a distraction ruining that for me. Is this the time now cause he seeing someone for his loss to work through it. Does it mean something that I know he cares about me but the walls aren't as high as they have been before?
I think I know what I want. I just want to not have to answer that question right now. I want to let our friendship just go where it will. To not let the fears we have to hold it backs, but not let something happen and have to be a certain way. Does that mean I think this is what will be, or what is best or right. To that I say. "I don't know." What I can tell you is that I care for him, I want him to be happy, I am proud of the man he is, and the one he is becoming, I am amazing at who he is and for his love that he has for his family, for the respect he has for his parents, for the hard working man he is, for his apologizes that he gives and truly means, for his acceptance of me for me, for his encouragement in me to do all that I have, for his friendship, for his honesty with me, for him knowing me better than I give him credit for. So will we date? I don't know but I know that I am not worried about the will or won't. I have a very strong belief that I am going down the right road that God has for me. If that is to have Bryce in my life as more than what we have then when the time is right that will happen. If not we'll figure that out and know that too. I just don't want to have to answer yes or no, or that I have to say I want this or that, or even have to know how I feel right now. Right now I just want life to take it course and I am very blessed to have him in my life as I do.
