The last week or so has been an experience to say in the least. I have learned that I have many things that I need to work on and grow from. That trusting in God and what he has planned for me is about one of the hardest things that is out there. I also have been learning that I make mistakes, BIG ones that affect not only me but others. I have been told I am selfish and if I give that light its true. I can be selfish. That I think about what I want or try to stop the hurt. My fear of being hurt gets me to do stupid things. I have done damage to someone's trust and I am rather a mess about it. I accept that I made the mistake but the question I have had to ask is why did I do it. Why did I not have enough moral courage to do what was right. To get myself to think about someone else other than myself has been hard and something I thought I did but I do not do it as well as I thought . Personal reflection can be a good thing but when you really look at yourself and see the things you have done or need to change. That can be very a humbling experience.
I admit I am scared. I am scared of being hurt, left, and alone. My fears make me weak. The church teaches us that our weakness can become our strengths. So I am going on a self tour. Going about fixing those things in me is what I need to. That through the help of therapy, medication, and God they can be mended. I am going to mead those broken things. Making things in me that are weak in me stronger. I don't know if the mistakes I have made can in time repair what I have broken or not. I pray that I can be forgiven. To that friend know that through you I was humbled into seeing that I am broken and need to be healed and be fixed.
I do not know what God has planned for me and my life. I do know that I need to trust in him. Letting God be the guide my life rather than me trying so hard to take control of it all the time. Fear is a very powerful emotion and only God and facing those fears can make them go away. Love is a risk. Time can heal all wounds. Trust must be earned. Faith is about learning to let go and just trust.
So I am on to new adventures. I am going to change some of the bad things about myself so that in the end I am a better me. To prove to my friends that I am someone worthy to have in your life. So that I stop doing stupid things that tend to ruin things that matter to the most to me. For those I have hurt by my actions I am sorry. I did not mean to be so selfish and self centered
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Terri, I love you! You are so honest with yourself, sometimes I feel the same emotions that you have just written about but I can't sort them out in my head, much less in actual words.
ReplyDeleteI think you are amazing and I think recognizing a trait that you want to change is a huge step (although I personally wouldn't change a thing, you are Wonder Woman!)