Things to come

Have you ever sat back and wondered what is next? What does God have in store for you now at this point in your life? I thought that I knew I would always be here. That things wouldn't change much for me in my life. I mean I know that I would age and that there would be struggles and things to learn and grow from. I never thought that I would get the chance to love once more. Dating just hasn't been that appealing to me much lately. No one that I meet or date really lives up to what I want or know that Dallin and I deserve. Its been hard to date and know inside that its just not right. I have been accused of comparing them all to Dayna. I guess in a way that is true. I knew beyond a doubt that I was to date him, and to marry him. In the temple that knowledge was reaffirmed to me. So I know what right feels like when your dating someone. I compare how I feel when I am dating someone to that same feeling. I never found that same feeling that yes this is the right path for you at this time. It strange to be getting to know someone and have that feeling. To know that I am to be getting to know this person. I know that this friendship is where I should be right now. This is hard for me too though. I know that some people will think if I get married once more that I never really loved Dayna, how could I of it I marry another. To that I want to say. BULL. I love Dayna still and always will. He knows this and always knows that I am lonely. That raising our son alone is very, very hard for me. Not having him here with me hurts so much still. If you believe I don't love Dayna then I am sorry for you. I know that he knows just how much I love him and will always love him. I hope that those in my life will see that Dallin and I are happy and then be happy for us. That they will know that no choice I make in my life is not without many, many hours to thought and prayer to my father above. I don't know what is going to happen in the end. All I know right now it that I feel it is the right time for me to let another into our lives. We will see what comes of this feeling and where it takes us. I am blessed to have my son in my life. To have Dayna watching over us from heaven above. To know how much I love him and he loves me. To also know that he wants me to find another here on earth until we meet each other in heaven once more. I thank God for all the wonderful blessings in me and my son's lives. Thank you for all my friends love and support. >:)

Times are changing

So we made it through another Halloween. It's getting to my hard time in my life once more. The closer I get to the holidays, then I get closer to Feb 7. I don't want this year to turn me into a spin like all the other years. I am ready for the pain and hurt to stop. I just want to remember the good times and good memories. I know with each years passing it hurts less for me. The truth is that time does heal wounds. All the time I am seeing myself grow and becoming so much stronger as a person. I know that even if I have to do it all by myself, that I can as long as God is with Dallin and I.

I was beginning to think maybe God was ready to put another man into Dallins and my life. Now I am not so sure. I question the situation and wonder am I really listening to the Lord or am I just doing something that I want. I so badly want someone to share my life with once more. Someone who is loving, caring, giving, honest, true and supportive of me. I am ever going to find it? When I find it am I going to let it go cause I am to scared to be hurt once more.

I don't know maybe I am making the right choice, or maybe I am making the wrong one. I open my door only to fight myself from letting me close it. I don't want to fight with myself anymore. I just want to let him in and stop worrying about if I am going to get hurt once more. Why can't I seem to just accept the moment and enjoy the time I get. There is someone I am really truly starting to care about, that I am beginning to believe I could spend my life with and want to. So why am I fighting it inside sometimes. Why can't I just let it happen. Admitting what I think and feel or at least think that I am beginning to feel. Sometimes I just say something cause I am hurting and so I just say I am going away. The truth is though I don't think that I can. I know that I at least don't want to go away from him even in the least.

Can someone tell me how you can miss someone so much it hurts when you haven't seen them in years. How just by talking and sharing your daily moments with them and they with you, you end up closer. It seems that we are building something strong and lasting even though were not meaning to. Its just happening. You know what, it feel good inside to. It feels great to have someone to talk with and who want to hear what you have to say. All I know is that right now I want to be there with him. Does that make me horrible? I guess now all I do is wait and see how the game plays out for this one. Night everyone. Hugs