Missing him SO much right now

That horrible day is getting closer this week.  I just want to skip Saturday, make it not even happen.  I am a mess in my head, everything makes me cry buckets, and I just hurt.  I miss Dayna so much that I just cry.  Right now I wish more than anything he was here.  I am going away for this weekend in hopes that being around some important people will make my hurt less painful.  I know some of you think I should hurt this much, or that I am just being over drama but sorry I do.  So as it gets closer, less and less I will be able to be in contact with.  Dayna I love you and miss you so much.... This is that time when from here on out I will be away from you more than I was allowed to be with you.

Dallin

So I haven't made a Dallin post in a while.  It is time and so needed for me to get everyone all caught up on him.  Well what hasn't changed with my son..... Well he is still growing like crazy, in the feet area the most.  I still am buyinghim new shoes every 3-6 months and that is with skipping the half sizes too.  He loves to laugh, see his best friend (our relief socety president), see Esther Lawton , loves daycare, LOVES to learn.  Dallin is in the top of both of his preschool classes.  He loves to learn, read, discover, a bit OCD in needing to be perfect in what he does, and he is just plan smart.  I don't know where the kid gets it from, well yea I do his dad was way smart too.  Don't get me wrong I am not saying I am not smart, I am just not smart like this.I have to work at it and he just gets it naturally. 

I decided this year under some great doctor, teacher, and talking that it was a good time to start Dallin on some medication for his ADHD.  The first round choice I didn't feel right about but the doctor really thought it was the best choice.  So I went with her choice.  The side effects were over emotional, and he wouldn't eat.  For a little man who already is skinny this was something that wasn't good.  In 2 months he lost 4 lbs.  So we change to the generic of Ritilin.  It is working much better.  He has to talk the first dose in when he wakes up and the second by 11 am.  It is letting him still be busy Dallin but in a more focused way.  He is able to sit still, focus on the task he needs to, he is able to not be so distracted and ramble on in his talking.  He in short has helped to slow him down but still be HIM.  This was very important cause I did not want to lose him, or drug him down.  He still has some behavioral issues but most of that is adjustable with a strong rule.  He needs teachers, parents, and daycare to be very firm in their bounderies with him.

Dallin is the light of my world.  He is VERY caring of others and me.  He is becoming a respectable young man who open doors for me and others.  Who tell me "It'll be o.k. momma"  when I am sad or have a hard day. He always reminds me to read scriptures and stories before bed time.  He loves to pray and reminds me to pray with our meals.  He is a good kid.  One who is treasure to have around and to be raising.  I am so grateful he is my little man.

Our story.

So many of my friends know about how Dayna and I got together but some of you don't.  So this post is for those of you who don't know the story or who don't know the entire story..........

I had been working at McDonald's just after I had returned from my "go on a mission", this really was just going for a week, leaving cause I was in love with someone else, knowing that even if that relationship didn't workout that there was a little girl who needed to come to my family and that I was not to go on a mission but to go get married.  How crazy my life all felt in Oct-Nov when my relationship that I left the MTC for had totally fallen apart and wasn't going to happen was over. I was left lost and confused, hurt, mixed, and lonely.  I knew I was to get married but I didn't seem to have a man to be my husband.  That is kind of a HUGE problem.

Well I was unhappy at McDonald's knew I was worth more than what I was making and so I went looking for a new job.  I found one too.  Wendy's.  Hey it still wasn't my dream but it was BIG bucks, great benefits, and away from the person who just broke my heart once more (he has been a pattern for him in my life).  So I gave my notice.  In the process of this I had developed a good friendship with a girl named Shannon Glass.  Well since I quit she said to me "There is no way I am staying at that hell hole, if you’re leaving."  So she went and got a job at TGI Friday's.

Well we would hang out, text (she says I taught her how to text), and have fun together. During this time she would tall me about this boss of hers that I should come meet.  I wasn't sure about it so I just brushed it off.  Come to find out Dayna was doing the same thing too.  He said "She was 18, so I figured there was no way (him being 32), that she could have a friend in his age range.

Finally some how New Year's sucked that year 2003, had a nice fight with the ex and her co-worker was telling me to come meet their boss too.  I had met him briefly that night while I waited for her to get off.  The only thing I remember for that meeting was thinking, "what would it be like to date a nice guy like that, he would be good to me." So after this and the convincing I said o.k.

It took him about a week to call me.  We started talking each day for hours at a time.  We would just talk about everything.  It was wonderful.  I had been into his store twice for short meetings while he was the manager on duty. I would give him a hard time that all I ever got was a free "gold medalist" from him and that was only once.  We set up to go to the Jazz game.  Jan 16 I still have the ticket from the game.  

I was not so smart in the planning of this date.  You see I also made plans to have same day surgery that day.  They said that I would be fine and that there would be no pain from the surgery.  So I thought,  "Yea I will be fine."  Boy was I wrong.  I couldn't hold anything down.  So I had to call and have you come later and we missed going to dinner before the game.  When he showed up he had a sprite in hand.  I thanked him and got in the car.  The music on the ride sucked, or at least so I thought, so I changed it. Come to find out this upset him.  The make this part of the story short.  The game was great, I was texting Shannon how unfun the date was and that I just wanted to go home.  Dayna wasn't having that great of a date either but loved the game.  We both left the date not expecting to be anything but friends.  

We continued to talk, until that Sunday after the game when I made you upset cause I told him that he needed to forgive his father.  That it was a long time ago and you were to upset about it all still.  I felt it was time.  I know way to opinionated.  Well this just upset him and his dads call before mine didn't help.  So he unplugged his phone.  Oh that mad me mad when I tried to call him on Monday to say sorry.  I was like what, why did he do that? DUH...  So he had decided if I called and left a message on Tuesday after he plugged it back in and calmed down that he would call back and we would get out as friends. Well I did call and left a message.  It was kind of a "well call if you want, I don't really care" type of message.  So during this time I made plans to go see an old guy I dated off and on.  While on my way to his house.  Dayna called, we talked and you asked me to dinner and I said yes for Thursday.

Thursday came; we went to a Chinese diner off center st in Provo.  It was a place he uses to go to a lot with an old friend.  Dinner was nice; afterwards he took me to his house to see "his collection". Yea that is a story too. I really wanted to know what he collected and the night of the phone fight he would not tell me.  I got so mad about it cause he kept telling me I really didn't want to know.  When in fact I did want to know.  So he showed me the "comic collection".  Dayna was like a kid in a candy store showing me his best and favorite comics from his collection.  I don't know what happened while we were talking, but something just clicked.  We started to share very private things and we just bonded.  After that click we were hooked.  We were always together whenever we could.  Never wanting to be away from each other.

We were engaged so fast.  I believe we decided to get married in Feb and he told his family the first part of March.  We decided to get married May 29, 2003.  It was so far away or at least that is what it felt like when in fact we were following the Utah trend that we both promised would never happen.  That of a fast engagement and a fast marriage.

May 29 came I got up that morning from the spare bedroom, Katie stayed the night at our place with us so that we were watched over as to not make any mistakes.  You were good you told me goodnight and he went and slept in our room while I went to the spare bedroom to have a last sleep on my bed.  I got up showered, and we and got my hair done.  I came back and we got ready to leave for the temple.  I don't know what happened but the whole ride to the temple about 45 mins. I told him "I don't want to do this".  He freaked out that I didn't want to marry him.  It wasn't that I just kept telling him I don't want to do this, to get married.  He would ask me what I wanted to do and I said just keep driving.  Poor Dayna thought I had changed my mind and wasn't going to marry him on the day of the wedding.  Who does that?  I guess I did.  At this point he kept asking me what do you want to do and all I could say was I don't want to do this.  I went in did what I needed, met with the Temple president, signed the papers, and just look at Dayna and told him to go get ready.  I left him with him thinking, "Is she going to show up for the wedding?"  In truth I wasn't sure. I knew I wanted to be married to him I just could get myself to do "this".  I got to the bridal area and I was a mess.  I forgot parts of my dress so my mom had to go track down the keys from Dayna to go get it.  While she was gone I just started to pray.  "Heavenly father, please help me to know that I am doing the right thing, Amen".  At the end the most wonderful, warm, peaceful feeling came over me and I knew, beyond any doubt, I knew I was to marry Dayna.  

I got dressed, met him in the hall and smiled back at him.  I knew when he saw me how glad he was that I showed up.  I took his hand and into the sealing we went.  It was a great wedding. I had to track his ring down from my mom who was holding it, and I got to goose his butt with his best friends wife saw.  Good laughs.  It was the most wonderful day of my life.  I loved it all.  He was mine and he loved me.  I could see it in your eyes.  I could feel it in his kiss, touch, look, and just felt it in all of me.

We had a good honeymoon.  I even got the chance to know how much I loved him and that I wanted to share my life with him 3 months later.  It was while he was under for his open-heart surgery.  The nurses promised me that they would call me part way through the surgery to give me an update.  I had been 31/2 hours and I hadn't heard a thing. I freaked out major.  That here God had just given me him and was already taking you away from me.  I was freaked out.  I called my dad who answered.  Who told me "God didn't give you that wonderful man, to take him away from you already.” I knew during that surgery that my time with him would not be a LONG time but I never knew it would only be 4 years.  

Dayna, I love you and miss you SO much.  As your death anniversary draws near I am becoming more and more a mess.  I miss you and now it that time when I will from here on out be without you longer than I was allowed to be with you.  I miss you, I wish I could always see and hear you.  I feel you and know you are near but I miss you holding me.  I miss seeing "my spot" on your face.  I want you to know I love you and miss you.  That the gift of your love and our son was the greatest gift I have ever been given.

Dayna, Dayna, Dayna................Oh Dayna

So I am taking a friends advice and piggy backing on another widow friends idea.  I am writing a letter to Dayna.  I don't know if it will help or solve any of my issues but it is worth a try.  So here goes......

Dear Dayna,
I miss you.  Everyday, the moments where I think about you all day long and miss you all day long are less but they are just as strong.  That is it I MISS YOU.  I am going to miss you everyday of my life.  No matter that your family doesn't think I deserve you, or even that they don't believe that I LOVE you will all my heart.  Our sons is so much like you that at times it is hard but at other times it just helps me.  He loves me, cares for me, and has been the best thing to heal my broken heart. Our little man doesn't know any different but its is still hard to see him without brothers or sisters.  It is hard to see other women with babies when I know that for now that is not possible for me.  I know it was your time to go to heaven.  I know God needed you and that your heart was to weak to make it even to the next surgery, that was only weeks away.  I am sure had you made it you wouldn't of made it then.  I got 4 wonderful years where I was you world and I knew no matter what happened in life, what I did, or said that you loved me with all your heart.

It is hard to have your family have opinions about me.  I still haven't forgiven your sister in-law telling me the day we put you in the ground, "that had I provided a more cohesive environment" you would still be alive.  Or that had your family even know you they would of know that we had plots picked out in Idaho Falls but that we didn't have the money for them or you would of been there.  That you wanted to be bury next to me not next to your brother that you hardly knew.  So I have anger and hurt towards your family since you have died.  I am sorry that what you see and hear on the other side hurts you in regards to this matter.  I know that you want your family and I to be close and loving for your son.  I just don't see it happening.  I hold my ground for your son.  I don't want him to be hurt by the hurtful things that have been said that he might hear.  I can't take that chance.  I know that thanks to Anna Nicole that you will never be allowed to be moved by your family no matter if I ever get married once more.  Why?  cause Dallin has the last say about where you are, and he no only knows that is where "daddy" is but he loves to go there.  We go see you every time were in Preston.  He goes up to you and hugs and kisses your headstone.  It is wonderful to watch/listen to him talk to you.  He even tells me "shhh momma, I am talking to daddy".  In fact he says that often and not just when we go see you.  He says it when were just driving, going to bed, upset, or just living life.  He stops and turns down to his heart and talks to you.  He will tell anyone that "daddy is in my heart".  I taught him that no matter what you are always watching over him and always there for him.  You will always be his father.  Maybe one day he might get a second dad.  That he might be blessed to be loved by two dads but that you are always apart of his life and love us.

Sometimes I feel you near me at night and I am scared of it.  I don't know why I am scared but I am.  I believe it is because of how much it will hurt to see and hear you.  So when it happens I ask you to leave, tell you that I can't handle it.  I don't know how to get over this and be able to accept it but I know that I need to.  That to move forward I need to do this.

I keep myself busy, don't date much cause in truth I am not ready.  I only want to be happy, loved, cherished, and someone who will be amazing with our son.  Our son is the most important thing to me.  He is the reason behind all I have done and how well I am doing in school.  He helps me to be happy.  He worries about me when I cry.  He is so caring, tenderhearted, loving, busy, crazy, happy, and just a joy to have in my life.  I wish you could physically be here with us. I wish that more than anything. 

Well this will continue on another day but for now dear know that I love you.  I miss you and my heart aches for you.  Until I am on the other side know I will always love you.

What is coming up for 2011

Alright I know everyone wants to know why I think 2011 is going to be so wonderful and what is going on to make it so. Well to start with I am teaching on class at UVU it is an upper level behavioral science class, it all about the family dynamics and system and theories.  I am SO excited to teach what I have been learning about for the last 3 years.  I am scared out of my mind but very excited.  Jan 5 isn't that far way for this adventure to begin.

Then on June 10, 2011 I walk for my graduation.  I won't be done with classes until July 22 but glad I get to walk early so I don't have to wait a whole year just to cause my practicum class is not over yet.  That reminds my I can't wait for July 22.  Classes will be done and even though the semester goes for another month.  I am hoping to be done with my hours and done.  Lucky they will post my degree once my hours are completed.  I am doing really well in my classes and am really loving my education and experience that I am getting. I am so glad I chose this as a career and can't wait for it to be my full-time job.  (where ever that takes me, hoping for St. George).

Next, I am going to go on a cruise in July/Aug as a graduation present for myself.  I am hoping all works out to leave Dallin with grandma and papa for a week while I take some time to myself and whatever friends want to come along.  Everyone is invited but who knows who will really come along with me. I haven't taken a vacation since Aug 2006 with Dayna to see his family in Iowa. I don't ever leave my son other than for an over night for class reason.  So that is right I am going away without my little man for a week and I can't wait.  I will miss his terribly but I need a break and a vacation by myself.

Then this is the really exciting part, I am going to go on vacation with little man to Disneyland next year around Christmas time.  I am going to take him for 2 or 3 days to Disneyland, Sea World (Dayna's favorite place to go in CA he LOVED it and wanted to take Dallin when he was older so bad), and the zoo, and then I believe to Lego land.   So this will be a great memory with little man and one I know Dayna will come along for the journey with in spirit. 

Of course there is getting a new job and quitting my current one.  I am not so excited to leave Lori on of my best friends but I am excited to leave some negative people behind.  I am so excited to get the chance to be a full-time therapist and to have a job I really enjoy that challenges me.  Who knows really where that will take me TX, ID, WA, OR, MT, CO, WY, UT, and whatever God wants me to go.  SO EXCITED for this.

I also get to take this get Marriage and Family Therapist exam which has me stressed out major but at the same time I know I can do it as long as God is with me.  I am scared cause it cost $400.00 a shot and I don't want to pay that twice. 

I wonder if this next year will bring us the chance to find another man in our lives.  One who will love my son, want a few more children, who will respect that I am always going to be Sealed to Dayna, one who knows that Dayna will always be apart of our lives, and who will love me.  It is hard being lonely and being a single parent.  I miss my best friend, late night cuddles with movies and games.  Will this year be the right year and time?  We will see, we will see.

We love you all and hope your 2011 year will be as wonderful as ours.

Changing it up a bit

So I know that I say this a lot but God really does watch over me and bless me even when I am not sure I deserve it.  So last week I talk to Jack up at UVU health center. Guess what????  I get to work up there for some of my practicum hours.  This is an answer to some prayers and lots of thoughts.  I was getting all the hours amount that I needed but am not getting experience in individual or couples.  So this will at least get me some couples and a lot more individual hours that I need.  I am so happy for answered prayers and blessings.  Things are working out well for me.  Also the day I walk for graduation is June 10.  My last class will be over by July 22.  I am so darn excited that I just can't tell you.  I know how pleased Dayna is in what I have been doing these last four years and I can feel just how proud he is of me.   I just wish he could be here with me to party it up for finishing.  I know he will be here in spirit but for this its just not the same.  I miss him and wish he came to check in on us more often than he does.  I love and miss you Dayna.  I can't wait to see you once more.  Love you

me

I'm trying but in truth I am just tired.

You know that song from primary "I'm trying to be like Jesus"?  Well not only and I trying to be like Jesus but I am just plain trying.  I am at the end of my rope in so many ways and places.  I am bugged with all the crap and drama at my job (which really I shouldn't care but each day I get more and more bugged).  I am tried of people thinking just cause I am friends with my boss that she NEVER get mads, upset, or corrects me.  When in fact I get it all the time, in fact I just got it once more today, 4 out of the 5 days last week.  Guess it just shows that I can be grown up and still be her friend even though she does her job at making me better in my work and life.  I am tired of not getting a REAL vacation with my and and right now even more without him. I am trying to keep in mind that this summer ours are coming.  I am trying to love those I really don't like (really having a hard time with this one).  I am trying to get finished with my master's even though I am not happy at my practicum site.  I am trying to get my house cleaned and organized even though I never have time and lately I am always so tired.  I am trying to get everything ready to teach my class at UVU even though it seems like I can never get ahead or feel really ready.  I am trying to have patience with my son but by the end of really long days, no vacation, never ending schooling, being a single mother, worn out physically and emotionally, and just plan spent on my last dime I find myself losing it more than I should with him.  This makes me so sad cause he is not to blame for the stress at my job, the stress at my practicum site, or the other stresses that I have and yet he is the one I get impatience with.  I feel like a bad mother right now.  I have so much on my plate that I don't know if I can function o.k. without it all.  Yet, at the same time I need to get a few things out of the way so when I get home I am not taking it all out on him.  In the midst of trying I realized that the person I need to be close to I am not.  I have been slacking on my daily prayers and you know what right now I need them.  I really, really, really need them. So tonight I will make a commitment to do them daily. To allow Jesus back in where he belongs.  Everything else will all workout in time.  Sometimes it takes a lot of patience, time, love, and just change.  Just know that right now is hard for me. I am not a big fan of this time of year and so that is adding to my crappy attitude.  I know I need to change but sometime that is the hardest thing to do and take a while to get a good return on it.  Thank you friends for all you do and help me with.  :o)