Easter

Easter is my favorite holiday. :) I just love it. All the colors, eggs to dye, finding all the hidden things that are to be found are just a few of my favorite things about this holiday. This was the holiday that Dayna and I got into. He always had such a fun time hiding my basket and making me have to search FOREVER to find it. He like my parents always found the best places to hide my basket. As a child I could always find all my brothers and sisters baskets before ever being able to find my own. They knew it too. If they couldn't find theirs then they would come ask me cause I knew where all 5 of my brothers and sisters baskets were.

I also love this holiday because I love my savior. He is raised. He lives. I know this and enjoy this time to think of my Savior at this time. My Saviors love for me is so amazing. This past week has been so hard for me. Yet, I can see God's hands in my life even now. Even when I thought I don't deserve it right now they are still there guiding, directing, and helping me. He loves me so much and just wants to bless and love me. To help me return to him, proven in all that I must do. The reason for this holiday is the reason that allows for me to return to him, and to Dayna. He was raised from the dead so that I might also.

I pray you all might have a wonderful Easter holiday. I pray that your lives will be blessed with those blessings that you need. Also that you might be able to see God's hands in your lives and the blessings that he has for you all. He is real, he is there, and he is all knowing. Trust is hard but we will be blessed for trusting in God and all that he has for us and by allowing him to direct our paths. HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

WoW

The last week or so has been an experience to say in the least. I have learned that I have many things that I need to work on and grow from. That trusting in God and what he has planned for me is about one of the hardest things that is out there. I also have been learning that I make mistakes, BIG ones that affect not only me but others. I have been told I am selfish and if I give that light its true. I can be selfish. That I think about what I want or try to stop the hurt. My fear of being hurt gets me to do stupid things. I have done damage to someone's trust and I am rather a mess about it. I accept that I made the mistake but the question I have had to ask is why did I do it. Why did I not have enough moral courage to do what was right. To get myself to think about someone else other than myself has been hard and something I thought I did but I do not do it as well as I thought . Personal reflection can be a good thing but when you really look at yourself and see the things you have done or need to change. That can be very a humbling experience.

I admit I am scared. I am scared of being hurt, left, and alone. My fears make me weak. The church teaches us that our weakness can become our strengths. So I am going on a self tour. Going about fixing those things in me is what I need to. That through the help of therapy, medication, and God they can be mended. I am going to mead those broken things. Making things in me that are weak in me stronger. I don't know if the mistakes I have made can in time repair what I have broken or not. I pray that I can be forgiven. To that friend know that through you I was humbled into seeing that I am broken and need to be healed and be fixed.

I do not know what God has planned for me and my life. I do know that I need to trust in him. Letting God be the guide my life rather than me trying so hard to take control of it all the time. Fear is a very powerful emotion and only God and facing those fears can make them go away. Love is a risk. Time can heal all wounds. Trust must be earned. Faith is about learning to let go and just trust.

So I am on to new adventures. I am going to change some of the bad things about myself so that in the end I am a better me. To prove to my friends that I am someone worthy to have in your life. So that I stop doing stupid things that tend to ruin things that matter to the most to me. For those I have hurt by my actions I am sorry. I did not mean to be so selfish and self centered

Selfishness

Sometimes I think back on myself and see how selfish I am as a person.So often I get in those moments when its all about me and I forget everyone else that is out there. My mom often reminds me that when I am down and out that is when I need to go and serve others. That we each have gifts and when we hide those gift we not only miss out but we limit others of being blessed by those gifts also. Lately I have been watching in my life and those in my life and how they deal with struggles and trials. For me I almost always turn to the Lord and seek guidance. I know that my prayers are ALWAYS answered and that he is there for me.I see other struggle and struggle to have to do it alone and not allow others in or to help. Some people I think, think that their trial is all about them and by sharing with others only makes them weak. I at times laugh at that thought because I think it shows strength to show that you can be weak. Yet, I often find myself in this boat that I am judging. I need to work on letting others in and to help me in need.

I am always learning what a great blessing teaching my son to say please and thank-you are. How important those words are to say and to mean. So many times people take others kindness that they offer them and never give it a second thought. Some have the attitude that they deserve it or its owed to them. This just shocks me cause when anyone gives to another they are sacrificing from what they have (even if what they have is a lot) they don't have to give it or serve you. They are making a choice to help you. It's a gift and you should be grateful that it was given to you. That another person cares enough or has enough moral character to give of themselves. There should never be a sense of you owe me this or I don't have to return the favor or pay back the service in some way.

My parents have done a lot for me out of the kindness of their hearts. At times I have not be as grateful for it as I should of been. That I have not given back as soon as I should of or that I have taken and not understood where it all comes from. I feel guilty about this. I have never meant to take and not say thank you.Yet at times I have done just that. I also have not shared with others like I should of. Holding what I have to give in hiding and protecting it from nothing really. Oh how selfish I have been.

So today gift is a gift to my son. To teach him to give and not expect anything in return. To teach him to say thank-you and mean it. To also teach him the spirit of giving and receiving. That all parts of giving and receiving can be a treasure for him and you to experience throughout your life.

So I am going to do new things in my life.  Things that I have never done before.  First is I started the www.c25k.com today.  This means in 9/10 weeks I am going to run a 5K.  I have never done one before but this is what life is about.  Becoming a better me and learning to do something that is out of my comfort zone.  Lately it seems that God wants me to become a better men.  The current trials in my life are things that are making me stronger.  They are  things that only can improve me and make me a better person in the end.  I am being reminded what it is like to love with all my heart.  Sometimes I hate that I care so much for people.  People tell me it is a gift to be able to see people as the best they can be.  I don't know maybe this is just how life is for me.  Always a struggle.


So today my blessing is my struggles.  Even though right now I DO NOT want them.  I am grateful for them.  My mom always tells me that if I just count my blessings that in time that is all I will be able to see.  That if I am glad for the struggles I am going through right now then in the end I will be able to see the good from them.  God knows what he is doing.  He can see what I can't.  If I but let him have control in my life then it will be alright no matter what happens.  I learned how real God is when I lost Dayna.  That knowledge has not changed.  Right now I just have to learn to trust him and let him have the control in my life.  I have to let go.

So today I am grateful for modesty and having a boy.  Its so much easier to keep a boy modest.  Today I went to Lava Hot Springs in Idaho.  All I could do was see bikni, after bikni.  The worst was that some women were wearing them with so much fat hanging out that it was just sick to look at.  Also I saw some young girls there with CTR rings on and with nothing covering them.  I just think do their parents not know what they are waering or just don't care?  Maybe I am just jealous cause I am not a size 4.  WHATEVER.

I am grateful my mother taught me to value my body and to dress modestly.  It is just so degrading to see young girl with just nothing covered up.  I really think that self respect starts with your views of yourself and what you show to others.  If I ever have a girl to raise you will be sure that modesty will begin with me.  I will show her the right way to respect her body and I will be aware of what she is putting on out in public.

Yet, I only have a little boy and he will be taught to dress modestly and to expect the women in his life to also.  I will teach him to look for a woman who repects her body and doesn't treat it like its a peice of meat to be sold in public.  He will also be taught to respect women, their bodies, and the way they dress.  It starts at home in what we teach our children.  They have a hard enough time in life why make it more confusing for them.

My focus got lost

So when I started this blog it was going to be this place that I could come and share my postive thoughts of the day.  It seems that is how it got started but here lately I haven't counted any of my blessings on here, much lately.  So I am going to try to do this once more. To stay positive and grateful about the things in my life.  So today I want to say that I am grateful for my parents.  My mother has a loving heart that truly only wants me to be happy. She worries about me so much and even though at times that is hard to take it, it all comes from love.  I know that she is a very strong person who I can learn from.  Her heart is always in the right place even when it doesn't work out the right way.

My father is so often the man I turn to, to settle me down.  To help me think things through and be able to process and listen better.  He just seems to get me and understand who I am.  He even allows me to be me and I never feel like I have to change for him to be pleased with me.  He is also a very wonderful grandfather to my son.  My son loves his pappa sooooooo much.  I don't know how I could of gotten through the loss of Dayna without my dad or either parent really.  He often has been my rock when I have needed something to stand on.

I am so blessed and loved by my heavenly parents also.  How blessed I am to know that God lives.  That I will be allowed to be with him once more.  To know that each trial and struggle I have are only for my good. If I only will allow myself to learn and grow from each of them.  So often I am weak and struggle.  I get lost in the sea of pain, loneliness, and my trials.  Yet, when I listen and obey so many great and wonderful blessing come into my life.  Thank you God for loving me enough that you allow me to have trails and struggles.  I only pray that in the end I prove myself worthy to be with you once more.

Night out at the Flash game :)