Things to come

Have you ever sat back and wondered what is next? What does God have in store for you now at this point in your life? I thought that I knew I would always be here. That things wouldn't change much for me in my life. I mean I know that I would age and that there would be struggles and things to learn and grow from. I never thought that I would get the chance to love once more. Dating just hasn't been that appealing to me much lately. No one that I meet or date really lives up to what I want or know that Dallin and I deserve. Its been hard to date and know inside that its just not right. I have been accused of comparing them all to Dayna. I guess in a way that is true. I knew beyond a doubt that I was to date him, and to marry him. In the temple that knowledge was reaffirmed to me. So I know what right feels like when your dating someone. I compare how I feel when I am dating someone to that same feeling. I never found that same feeling that yes this is the right path for you at this time. It strange to be getting to know someone and have that feeling. To know that I am to be getting to know this person. I know that this friendship is where I should be right now. This is hard for me too though. I know that some people will think if I get married once more that I never really loved Dayna, how could I of it I marry another. To that I want to say. BULL. I love Dayna still and always will. He knows this and always knows that I am lonely. That raising our son alone is very, very hard for me. Not having him here with me hurts so much still. If you believe I don't love Dayna then I am sorry for you. I know that he knows just how much I love him and will always love him. I hope that those in my life will see that Dallin and I are happy and then be happy for us. That they will know that no choice I make in my life is not without many, many hours to thought and prayer to my father above. I don't know what is going to happen in the end. All I know right now it that I feel it is the right time for me to let another into our lives. We will see what comes of this feeling and where it takes us. I am blessed to have my son in my life. To have Dayna watching over us from heaven above. To know how much I love him and he loves me. To also know that he wants me to find another here on earth until we meet each other in heaven once more. I thank God for all the wonderful blessings in me and my son's lives. Thank you for all my friends love and support. >:)

Times are changing

So we made it through another Halloween. It's getting to my hard time in my life once more. The closer I get to the holidays, then I get closer to Feb 7. I don't want this year to turn me into a spin like all the other years. I am ready for the pain and hurt to stop. I just want to remember the good times and good memories. I know with each years passing it hurts less for me. The truth is that time does heal wounds. All the time I am seeing myself grow and becoming so much stronger as a person. I know that even if I have to do it all by myself, that I can as long as God is with Dallin and I.

I was beginning to think maybe God was ready to put another man into Dallins and my life. Now I am not so sure. I question the situation and wonder am I really listening to the Lord or am I just doing something that I want. I so badly want someone to share my life with once more. Someone who is loving, caring, giving, honest, true and supportive of me. I am ever going to find it? When I find it am I going to let it go cause I am to scared to be hurt once more.

I don't know maybe I am making the right choice, or maybe I am making the wrong one. I open my door only to fight myself from letting me close it. I don't want to fight with myself anymore. I just want to let him in and stop worrying about if I am going to get hurt once more. Why can't I seem to just accept the moment and enjoy the time I get. There is someone I am really truly starting to care about, that I am beginning to believe I could spend my life with and want to. So why am I fighting it inside sometimes. Why can't I just let it happen. Admitting what I think and feel or at least think that I am beginning to feel. Sometimes I just say something cause I am hurting and so I just say I am going away. The truth is though I don't think that I can. I know that I at least don't want to go away from him even in the least.

Can someone tell me how you can miss someone so much it hurts when you haven't seen them in years. How just by talking and sharing your daily moments with them and they with you, you end up closer. It seems that we are building something strong and lasting even though were not meaning to. Its just happening. You know what, it feel good inside to. It feels great to have someone to talk with and who want to hear what you have to say. All I know is that right now I want to be there with him. Does that make me horrible? I guess now all I do is wait and see how the game plays out for this one. Night everyone. Hugs

My gift of service

Sorry I have been putting this blog on the back burner lately. I have had many things going on throughout my head and not knowing what I should say out of it all. I have many blessing in my life but I am still so much like everyone else in this world. I have had difficult times. This last week has been hard on me as I try to find myself in a few different situations. I have been learning that I need to learn in this life. Even though sometimes I want to go left even though God wants me to go right. Yet, in the end I make enough turns in the process that I end up going right just like God wanted for me in the first time. It is just hard sometimes to let God have control and not try so hard to have it. I know he has what is best for me but I have a hard time letting go. I am so scared to get hurt that I can't even at time let him have control, even though I know that, that is what is right and best for me. As I am going through my master's program I am learning more about me sometimes then I am about how to help others. Learning and growing I am becoming the person in the end that I am meant to be. Losing Dayna has been the hardest thing I have even gone through. I miss having my best friend with me at night. Have the person who so completely loved me that no matter what I did or how I acted he accepted it and me, and still loved me. I feel so honored to of gotten to spend those wonderful 4 years with him that I did. I am grateful for my marriage, my son, and for my loving husband. How some people can take for granite the wonderful blessings, and gifts that are in their lives. So many of them can't even see the wonderful blessings that they have be given. Some others think that the grass is green on the other side. Not know what they have in their lives is greater than they even knew. My greatest thing was taken away from and I miss it more than I can ever express. For those who still have their wonderful spouses. Tell them you love them, and need them. Work at your marriage and try to find a way to make it work. You have something that I wish more than anything I ever still had. So tonight I am going to give the gift of a home cooked meal to a friend. My friend is having a hard time in his life. One of the wishes he has expressed is that he wishes he could have a home cooked meal. I promised him weeks ago that I would fix him a meal and I never did. So today I am going to share my one of my talents with a friend who needs to know that others are thinking of him and care. Besides I never know how to cook for just Dallin and me and since Summer has moved away from me I have to share my roast meal with someone. Have a wonderful Sunday tomorrow my friends. I plan too.

life is interesting

Life can be crazy at times. Not knowing which way is up or down. If you should go left or right. This is hard for me right now. For the past few years I have known which way to go without even really having to think about it. Yet, now I want to go so many different directions for so many different reasons. None of these reason are really grounded in a sane thought. So I stay very independent, should I try to move closer to family, where should I be looking for a job? If only all these questions came with a good and fast answer. My new thought is that I can't get my answers yet because it is not the right time for me to know. There are still things that need to happen first before I can take that next step towards anything. Then again I could just be joking myself and just not wanting to move out of my comfort zone. Comfort sometimes is a hard thing to move away from. It like I know what I want but I am to scared to go and get it sometimes. Then there is a huge piece of me that wants it all. To have all my wishes and dreams all at once and not have to give up anything. If I have to give up something that I want what am I willing to give up? What do I think I want or need that I really don't. Then this leads me to the question what do I really truly want.

The truth is I want to find another who will love me fully, faults and all. Who is as just what I need in my life. I do have a hard time being a single mother. My wish for my son is that one day another man will come into our lives. I mean I know his daddy is here and with us but its not the same. My son deserves a father here on earth, and brothers and sisters. I want more than what I have. The question is does God want this for me? The one thing that I know is what right feels like. Right now things don't feel right for me but I don't know quite what is right or the right way to go. I feel like I am a log just floating in the river not going anywhere. I could just be waiting for the current to take me to where I need to go. Yet, I am not good at just waiting for things to happen to me. I like to more go out, find them, and make them happen. I am curious as to what the next year will bring to me. Today's gift is that I know know what is in store but I am trusting in God and just living on faith.

MOM

Today I am thankful for moments with my mom. She is so loving and giving to Dallin and I. I feel so blessed to be her daughter. I know at time we have hard times. Were two different people but in the end all that matters is that we love each other. Its strange that losing Dayna has also helped my relationship with my mom. This experience is new and different for her as well as for me. Yet, once more I have a strange new blessing from something horrible. How crazy is that? Don't you think that is funny? I mean that something so yucky can still have such a great blessing hidden in it. Maybe its just how I am looking at things. Trying to see the good in it and not the bad. I am sure I could find the bad but I don't want to. I want to see the blessings that I have because of it.

Mom, thank you. I know its not easy for you. I know that you struggle with having to see me struggle. Yet, I am glad that you get to be apart of my growth and seeing me become this new and amazing person. You bring me strength and comfort to my soul. I know were both not perfect but I know that we both try just a little bit harder now to just love and let the little things go. I love you mom.

Others faith in me

I am learning that other people see more in me than I see in myself at times. So many people think that I am a better person than I think of myself. Which I am beginning to see that this is often normal for so many other people. To think that you are less than you really are. We tend to forget how important we are in this life. I am being remind how important I am to so many people other than my family. This lately has help my self-esteem and self worth. It is so easy to forget who we are. That we matter to others more than even we could know. I feel so blessed.

Today was a hard day day for me. I struggled being a mom today. All I wanted was a break from my sons busy, busy behavior. I felt so grateful that he was in bed and asleep by 745 p.m. Its a small blessing but for me today it was huge. Sometimes simple days are the hardest for me. The days when I feel the most lonely. The days when I wish more than anything that I was not doing this without a spouse. Today my wish was just to have someone to cuddle up next to and breath with. Having that important other to hold me and say "I love you, I am here for you." I cried today just cause I missed those moments with Dayna. With anyone really. I am learning the importance or marriage and relationships even though I am not in one. Isn't that strange that you can learn and grow in a relationship even though your not technically in one. So today's gift was a little man going to bed on time, giving me a much needed time alone. HUGS to you all.

Sundays

Sundays are my days. I get to fill up my well on Sundays. I feel so lucky to have such a great church and ward. They are like apart of my family. Their prayers in my behave are just amazing. I feel so loved and blessed. I wish everyone I knew could experience this also. I know some think that my beliefs are a bit out there. That is alright though. I know what I know and will hold that truth forever. For some they will spend their lives searching for something that they are missing and still never find it. My faith is my rock behind who I am. Thank you God for all you do for me.

Today was a different day at church. I got to spend time with Dallin's church class (sunbeams). I learned that my son is not as bad in primary as I am lead to believe. He is just like some of the other boys in his class and even in older classes. It is hard for him to sit still but I am learning that, that too will pass. He tries very hard to do what is right and want to please others. He also loves to be loved. He can tell when others really don't truly love him but are just doing it for show. He response to those who show him true Godly love better than anything else. I am so very blessed to have him as my son. Thank you. :)