Relationships

I have been pondering about relationships A LOT lately.  I have friends who are struggling in them, ones who are in the mist of divorce, just learning to make it in the one we are in, and then there are those of us who are looking for another one.

I often get ask.....  I am in this situation what do I do.   Well, I am going to use my Marriage and Family Therapist Degree to answer some of those questions.  First of relationships take WORK, daily work.  The grass that you take care of is always going to look better than the one you are in, if you do not take care of it.  It isn't just the others persons job to care fro your relationship.  It takes BOTH of you.

Next, the moment you start to notice there is a problem in your relationship, seek out help, talk to your partner about it,  be totally honest about what you are feeling.  Do not WAIT for a better time to work through it.  TAKE CARE OF IT TODAY.  Never wait until tomorrow, or believe this will pass.  It most often doesn't.  If there is something going on, or you aren't hearing I love you as much, or you are not being as intimate as you once were.  Those can be huge signs that something isn't going well. Never put off for tomorrow what you should have done today.  Your relationship and partner desires it to be addressed now, not later.

Another thing is be TOTALLY HONEST with each other.  Secrets given room for evil (or as I call it Satan) to get into your relationship.  If you can't be honest with your partner then you need to fix that, or you married the wrong person.  Being honest they you are having let's say an affair on them.  Hard to tell them, and take ownership on but they deserve as do you total honesty.

ME TIME, each person needs time with the girls, or guys (stay with your same sex would be good advice).   You need time away from each other to help grow your relationship.  To help it become better.  To help you become better.  I will also say it is totally O.K. to take that me time just don't go over board on it.  Remember BALANCE, life is about balance, as are relationships.

DATE and when I say date I do not mean just go to a movie, diner, or go out but truly DATE.  Ask each other questions, find out each others hopes, dreams, desires, fears, worries, and so forth.  Don't just sit with your partner BE WITH your partner.  Dating takes work, time, and effort.  It is VERY hard to get out on a date when you have little ones but the truth is they will be gone one day and then what will you have?  Nothing if you do not continue to develop you relationship with your partner.

BE ON THEIR SIDE.  You don't have to agree with them and what they are doing but be on their team.  They need you on it.  The coach is just as important as the players, as is the water boy.  Do they always agree?  No, as will be that case in your relationship.  That disagreement doesn't mean you stop being your partners support.  

FEAR, it can be a *itch sometimes.  It can cause use to stop doing things, or start doing things.  To hind things from each other, or even to put up walls because we don't want to get hurt.  Fear is a natural response.  It is part of the Fight or Flight response.  Use it in the way it is intended, not in a way that will hold you back or work against you.

NEVER PART WITHOUT SAYING I LOVE YOU.  One of the most things I am most grateful for is the fact that the morning of Dayna's passing I said I LOVE YOU, he said I LOVE YOU, and we kissed each other goodbye.  I STILL 8 years later remember that kiss.  Wanting to pull him back into bed and never let go of him.

SPEAK KIND WORDS TO EACH OTHER.  Criticism is hurtful and can do much damage to your relationship.  We women tend to do this which then causes are partner to withdraw from us.  Become aware of yourself doing it, and we all have done it.  Work on being aware of it and then work on changing it.  You have all heard the saying  "You attract more bee's with honey, than with vinegar."  That is the same in your relationship.  

ARGUE, that's right have a a fight, now not a physical fight but argue with each other.  Every good relationship argues.  You can't help but to because you are two different people, raised differently, and have different views, experiences, and opinions.  BUT do not leave an argument without coming back to get.  Don't just walk out the door and think "I need to leave to cool off" without letting your partner know your going, and when you will come back.  Then COME BACK WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL.  

WORK THROUGH YOU TRASH.  Everyone takes things into a relationship, we all have stuff in our lives that affect us and need to be worked on.  DO IT.  Don't wait for someone else to fix it or you.  That is your job, you need to seek out the help you need so that you can stand on clean ground.  Things have a way of affecting us without even knowing it.  Do some self inventory of yourself and the situations you have been in.  Work through your hurt, and pain.  Don't run from it but embrace it and tackle it.

On a spiritual note I encourage your to say nightly prayers with your partner.  Nothing can bring you closer together, help you work through you relationship better than the power above.  He can help heal wounds, mend bridges, open your eyes to the others side, and just bless you both for trying and being together. 

Lastly TAKE A CHANCE AND JUMP.  Relationships are hard work but they are VERY work the work.  Nothing will reward you more than a good relationship with your partner.  It is scare to get back on the horse after being kicked off many times.  Yet, to that I say, the only way to know true love and that you have it is to also know what it is to not have it and be hurt from what you thought was love.  

Learn and grow together not apart.  To do this takes work and daily effort.  A fish can be pretty in a bowl but if you do not change it water, and feed it, it will die as will your relationship.

Time to get back to me. :D

Update time for me.  I have so much to say and thing.  Oh where to begin........  Well Dallin is now 9 years old.  This coming school year he will be in the 4th grade.  I my heck where has the time gone???  I am now fully licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist.  That took FOREVER or at least that is what I tell myself.   I am thinking about going back to school to get my Doctorate.  I am still trying to decide. Maybe by this time next year I will have made up my mind about it.  Well, tonight I have decided to post some picture.  I will log back in and update more later this week..

I haven't blogged in FOREVER.  Well time to play catch up on the Moser's.  In Aug we moved from our condo in Utah to renting a 3 bedroom condo in Pinetop, AZ.  We moved here because I got a job working at Rainbow Treatment Center as a Marriage and Family Therapist.  The move was hard and LONG.  What should of taken a total of 3 days took a total of 8 days.  We were 2 hours out of our new home when my car broke down.  I was able to get it to a safe place but then we had to take a 3 hour drive at 12 at night to Flagstaff, AZ to get it fixed.  We are adjusting to Pinetop and how SMALL it is here.  I don't really have any friends here yet.  Well one but she has much on her plate and I am not sure how much time she has on her plate to hang out much.   Marci is an amazing women.  She does so well taking care of my little man.  She is so helpful to me and I am blessed to have her in our lives.  Dallin LOVES going to her house and each day I pick him up he asks me to "talk longer" so he can play longer. 


I love my new job.  It is an adjustment working on the reservation but it is enjoyable.  The be way to explain it is that it is "another world" or a "3rd world country" even though it is only 30 mins from my house.  I enjoy the conversations that I am having with the women I work with.  I seem to be fitting in well but I am sure they do not trust me as much as I think they do or that I do not fit in as well as I think I do in my head. 

Dallin started kindergarten this year and Mrs. Kuntson is his teacher.  He loves to learn, read, learn, and do homework.  I keep wondering when this will get old and he will start to hate school, hate to learn, and hate to do homework.  He has been growing once more.  His shoes from this summer would not fit his feet when it got to cold to wear sandals.  So for about a week he went to school with socks and sandals. I was very embarrassed but at least I learned to next time buy shoes before moving for the new school year. 

As for my new job.  Things are going well. I really like it.  It keeps me busy for the most part.  There is a lot of room to grow. I am allowed to grow in my own way and areas that I want to.  That I get to go to the training that I feel will best help me.  That I am able to do therapy my way and not someone else's or by a model that is not true to me.  I have a job where the growth that I want to make is very able for me.  I enjoy working with the couples and soon the families on the tribe as well. I am lucky and blessed to have this job.  It is a challenge and hard but it is very worth it.  I will have to add some photos to this blog of our life here in Pinetop, AZ.

To the best Father.

Dayna is the best father that I could of ever asked for in our life.  He was 100% plus apart of Dallin's and my life.  He worked hard, and cared even harder for us.  He took such good care of us.  I miss him so so  much.  I wish more than anything that Dayna was here to help me raise our son.  That with his help I know that I could be an even better parent than I am.  He was my equal in every way.  Each day I think of him and miss him so much.  The tears in my eyes form because I want him to be here with us. I know he is being the best father from heaven.  He keeps me going forward.  He guides, and directs me from heaven.  My son reminds me of him each time I look at him.  I know that is part of my I love my son so much.  That the love I have for Dallin is stronger than it would of been because of Dayna.  This father's day I am grateful for the 4 years I got with Dayna.  I can't wait to spend my forever with him.  As strange as it is I can't wait for the second coming.  I know that when I die Dayna will be there waiting to welcome me home with the love that I know we share.

Somethin to say about something learned.

So everyone who reads this knows I am a young widow.  That off and on throughout my 4 years I have thoughts about getting married, falling in love once more, and living the rest of my earthly life in haven until I can be with Dayna once more.  Well see the problem is that I am so lonely, and wanting more out of my life for the next 50+ years that I can get lost in words without actions.  Now if your my friend Steven you will be telling me man your jumping the gun here give the boy sometime.  True I could be jumping the gun, yet I don't believe I truly am.  Now the situation that I am in is mostly my fault.  I let my guard down.  My want to be wanted and loved, once more far out played my smarts in my head.  There is this boy and I really am interested in him.  When talking with him he seems to have many of the things I am looking for.  Strong in the church, mission, married in the temple, hold current recommend, widowed, wants more children, and feels it time to start dating once more.

So we chatted online, he asked for a photo, I sent him one (oh ya we met through lds mingle).  He told me "OMG your cute!".  I laughed said thank you and went on with the conversation.  He asked if I had skype, I said no but could learn it if he would be patient while I learned.  So after the first chat I went on and added a Skype account, I e-mailed it to him and he e-mailed back.  He said "I got in late can we do it tomorrow."  Well tomorrow would not work for me cause I had things to do.  Two days later he added me to Skype but still nothing.  Then Monday I got an e-mail asking me to set up a Skype time to chat.  So we worked out a time and that night chatted.  We talked away.  Through out the conversation he told me how cute I was, how attracted he was to me, and how interested he was in me.  So then we e-mailed and I told him I was thinking about him, he told me he was had been thinking about me all day long.  Now in the course of this he told me we would go out when he got back in town next.  That was to be Wednesday.  Well then nothing.  NO call, no follow through, no anything.  Ya I tried to make him seem nice and said he contacted me and would make it up to me.  Yet, in truth nothing, he hasn't contacted me since Tuesday.  The dumb thing is that I learned I wanted to believe him, I wanted him to truly be interested in me and it not be just a line of crap.  Now true he is a US air Marshal and busy but you would think if he truly was interested he would answer my e-mail, text, or call something.  Yet, nothing not a thing from him.  So I am giving up.  I say it was just a line to see how fair I would take it and to help him not feel lonely those few nights.  Could I be wrong?  Sure but do I think that I am?  NO.  So I am giving up Steven once more and just going to focus on getting a job WHERE EVER I can get one, no matter the state (well within reason).  So now you know my mistake.  I wanted to be wanted so much that I believe a line of crap.  That it was just about some lonely guy who needed attention those days and I gave it.  I doubted him many times through out our conversations but he said he really was and it didn't make sense why I didn't believe him.  Well I think he just was lonely and needed  some attention from a girl and I fit the bill.  Anyways lesson learned and goodnight.

What I have learned in the last 4 years....

I was promised in a blessing when he died that I would know the reason for it. After 4 years I think I got that figured out. I have finished my ungrad, walking Sat for my master's as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I would of NEVER walked this path had I not lost him. I miss him tons and hate being a single mother (one 5 year old boy who REALLY wants a brother and a sister). Yet, I know this is what God ALWAYS wanted for me even my PB talks about it, I just couldn't see it until I lost my world. My life experiences make me a good therapist. I am connect with many people because of my life experiences. I choose to see the good not the bad. I try hate to stay positive cause negative just leads to depression. I can truly say losing my husband was my greatest struggle, test of faith, but has been my TRUEST blessing. I KNOW God is as really as you and I. I didn't know that before he left me. I KNOW he watches over me and blesses me. That he has a very speacil relationship with widows that is different than all others. I KNOW I can do anything I put my mind to with his help. I KNOW that even though Dayna died after just 4 years together it will all be made up to me on the other side. I KNOW that every struggle I go through can bring me blessings if I try to see them in the mist of my HELL so to speak. Lastly I KNOW that even though Dayna died that his job as a husband, and father have not ended, that even from the other side he is completely these jobs. Just in a different way then he could do here on earth.

http://youtu.be/I35_B_5htnI

Mind heaven help me

Alright all I can say is that I REALLY miss Dayna.  I just want to have him near me once more and yet he can't be.  My life in part, and don't get me wrong here I LOVE my life.  It is just that a huge part of the meaning behind it is gone.  I keep living, going, and finding joy with Dayna but it so not complete.  I know part of me is missing.  It is true that grief is hard and we each take our own path in it.  I just miss my boo.  I miss him SO much that my heart aches for him.  I know his family didn't think I really loved him, or was worthy of him.  The thing is that isn't even true or even close to the truth.  I LOVE AND MISS him so much.   The ache my heart has for my missing piece hurts.  It is like I don't care about things that I use to.  I did things because of him, for him.  Now I do them for Dallin but that is not the same.  I just keep pushing ahead but I don't want to anymore.  I am SO ready for Christ to come once more and to be with Dayna for forever.  I am hurting tonight just like so many other days of my life since he passed away.