Dallin's test results are in :(

So the doctor's office called me today to tell me Dallin's test results.  Good news is they found things out early bad new is that he has a BICUSPID AORTIC VALVE.  It is the most common defect that people have but it now means I get to spend time with Dallin and the heart doctors. In a nut shell it means his valve did not form right and he has two valves instead of three. In research most cases do end up having to have surgery at some time due to this but I do not know the treatment plan for him yet.  I have am just in the processes of trying to find a good pediatric cardiologist and make a follow up appointment for him.  So the process is just starting instead of just coming to an end like I had prayed.

How I am feeling?  I am scared.  I have been down the heart road with Dayna and lost that battle.  I am scared that I will lose my little man also.  I know that, that happening most likely wont happen but that is my fear.  All I can do is think about how I lost Dayna to this battle and now I get to go through the echo's and eeg's every year with Dallin.  I don't want to do this but I love my son and have no other choice but to do it. I am scared of making the wrong choice of Doctor for Dallin. I will just have to pray and follow my heart in my making that choice. 

So now you all know the outcome and how I am feeling about it.  My world is just a little bit more stressed now but I know God is there and will watch over us and bless us.  What will be will be and we just have to have faith.  My little man is strong and he can make it through anything.  Thank you for all you love and prayers.  <3 Terri and Dallin

Dallin's Echo

Well today was an interesting day for Dallin and I. Today Dallin was put under for his echo and EEG.  I was sooo nervous.  This was the first time he had been put under.  I have been needing to get this test done for 4 years but either I had been dealing with Dayna's heart problems or was to scared to do it.  All I can say is that fear is a really hard thing to get over.

We left the house at 730 this morning cause we had to be at primary children's at 830.  It was my first time ever going there.  I was a bit lost but we found our way in time.  The nurse Mindy was wonderful with Dallin.  She first thought a mild sedation would be the way to go.  I as mother  quickly said no to that idea.  Mindy agreed in the end that it was good to just put him out.  It took 100 cc to put him under enough that he wasn't still awake.  The echo and EEG took about 45 mins to get done.  Then up to recovery we went to wait an hour and 15 mins for them to be able to wake him up.  Yet like his mother he takes more to be put out and it doesn't last as long.  SO...... 20 mins early my little man woke himself up.  Man was he ever wiggly.  He just kept coming in and out it. It was a joy (not!).  Mom kept getting kicked and punched by little man.  It was a good that his grandma was there cause I couldn't have done it with out her.  She helped get him dressed, clothed, and ready to go. 

My little man kept trying to get away and walk by himself but it was like he was a drunken sailor.   He was so wobbly.  It was cute to watch but hard to deal with.  He just kept wiggling and wiggling. I didn't know which way he was going. One min he was a wake and the next he was asleep or out of it. It was like the lights were on but he wasn't there at times.  So anyways we went to lunch after we left the hospital.  It was starting to be a very good lunch and a nice time with grandma. Other than the kicks and jabs from Dallin.  Then all of the sudden Dallin lost all that was in his tummy. All over grandma, mommy, and our lunch.  So off to the restroom we went to get all cleaned up. I felt so badly for the lady who had to clean up our mess at the restaurant.

Well so our day ended up rather interesting to say the least.  I over came a fear that I had, had for over 3 years.  I was able to spend time with my mother and Dallin was well cared for my some wonderful nurses. Mindy, Kristen, and Nicole were so dear and wonderful to us.  They really know how to treat you at primary childrens hospital. I am still a bit nervous because the result will not be to me until Monday.  So I still have a few days that I have to wait but over all it was a good experience.  I feel that I am a stronger person and a better mother.  Today was a hard but very good day.  I love my family and my little man so much.  I was wonderful to see the special bond Dallin is creating with his grandma.  She was so tender with him today. Thank you to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers.

life always teaches you something

Well this past few months have been very hard for me spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I have lost so many things in my life right now that mattered to me that I did not think I could handle losing. I lost friends, someone I loved, a role model to my son, blessings, time, and myself. I don't think all of these things are going to be lost forever but for now they are not apart of my life. Each thing I lost I cared about deeply but I see now that I can not control everything. That sometimes letting go is the only way you can really have what you want. Also I have learned that I don't have to try to have so much control in my life. If I let God have more control then I will be happier in the end. I am sure in time all things that I have lost I will get back and even more. Those things that I do not get here in this life will be made well in the life after.

Right now for the first time in a few months I am not fighting a internal battle with myself. I feel that my life is right where it needs to be. That there are friends that I need to make and have here in Utah right now. I would love to be closer to Idaho but that is not where I am to be right now. Later maybe, maybe not. I am making many new self discoveries about myself. I am learning, growing, and becoming the person that God would have me become. I have been making some wonderful new friends. I have started to hang out with the lds widow/widowers group and they are a true blessing to me right now. I am so thankful to them and their kindness in welcoming me into their group.

The relationship that I was in for the last oh I don't 7 months or so has come to a end. Its been hard for me to let go of something that I felt was so right. To have to let go and just live my life without this person in it. He mattered so much to my son and I. I don't know if our friendship will ever be able to mend. Sometimes you just can't go back to just friends once you have been more to each other. Yet, I am so thankful to this person. Through my relationship with him I was able to learn that I can love another. It was different than what I have with Dayna but it was true love still. I learned that there is someone wonderful for me to find once more on this earth. When or who I don't know yet but I look forward to the journey to discover it.

I am thankful for my Savior. For his love and all he has done for me. I am so amazed at the love he has for me and my life. I am grateful that God blesses me and proves ways for me to stay on the path back to him. I don't know which way is up sometimes but I always know that God is there and will guide my life if I but let him. He knows the pain I carry in my heart and the mending that I need in my life. He loves me more than I can even understand. The church is true and I know it. I know where my feet stand and how firm my foundation is. I am very, very blessed in my life. Thank you God for all that I have.

Easter

Easter is my favorite holiday. :) I just love it. All the colors, eggs to dye, finding all the hidden things that are to be found are just a few of my favorite things about this holiday. This was the holiday that Dayna and I got into. He always had such a fun time hiding my basket and making me have to search FOREVER to find it. He like my parents always found the best places to hide my basket. As a child I could always find all my brothers and sisters baskets before ever being able to find my own. They knew it too. If they couldn't find theirs then they would come ask me cause I knew where all 5 of my brothers and sisters baskets were.

I also love this holiday because I love my savior. He is raised. He lives. I know this and enjoy this time to think of my Savior at this time. My Saviors love for me is so amazing. This past week has been so hard for me. Yet, I can see God's hands in my life even now. Even when I thought I don't deserve it right now they are still there guiding, directing, and helping me. He loves me so much and just wants to bless and love me. To help me return to him, proven in all that I must do. The reason for this holiday is the reason that allows for me to return to him, and to Dayna. He was raised from the dead so that I might also.

I pray you all might have a wonderful Easter holiday. I pray that your lives will be blessed with those blessings that you need. Also that you might be able to see God's hands in your lives and the blessings that he has for you all. He is real, he is there, and he is all knowing. Trust is hard but we will be blessed for trusting in God and all that he has for us and by allowing him to direct our paths. HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

WoW

The last week or so has been an experience to say in the least. I have learned that I have many things that I need to work on and grow from. That trusting in God and what he has planned for me is about one of the hardest things that is out there. I also have been learning that I make mistakes, BIG ones that affect not only me but others. I have been told I am selfish and if I give that light its true. I can be selfish. That I think about what I want or try to stop the hurt. My fear of being hurt gets me to do stupid things. I have done damage to someone's trust and I am rather a mess about it. I accept that I made the mistake but the question I have had to ask is why did I do it. Why did I not have enough moral courage to do what was right. To get myself to think about someone else other than myself has been hard and something I thought I did but I do not do it as well as I thought . Personal reflection can be a good thing but when you really look at yourself and see the things you have done or need to change. That can be very a humbling experience.

I admit I am scared. I am scared of being hurt, left, and alone. My fears make me weak. The church teaches us that our weakness can become our strengths. So I am going on a self tour. Going about fixing those things in me is what I need to. That through the help of therapy, medication, and God they can be mended. I am going to mead those broken things. Making things in me that are weak in me stronger. I don't know if the mistakes I have made can in time repair what I have broken or not. I pray that I can be forgiven. To that friend know that through you I was humbled into seeing that I am broken and need to be healed and be fixed.

I do not know what God has planned for me and my life. I do know that I need to trust in him. Letting God be the guide my life rather than me trying so hard to take control of it all the time. Fear is a very powerful emotion and only God and facing those fears can make them go away. Love is a risk. Time can heal all wounds. Trust must be earned. Faith is about learning to let go and just trust.

So I am on to new adventures. I am going to change some of the bad things about myself so that in the end I am a better me. To prove to my friends that I am someone worthy to have in your life. So that I stop doing stupid things that tend to ruin things that matter to the most to me. For those I have hurt by my actions I am sorry. I did not mean to be so selfish and self centered

Selfishness

Sometimes I think back on myself and see how selfish I am as a person.So often I get in those moments when its all about me and I forget everyone else that is out there. My mom often reminds me that when I am down and out that is when I need to go and serve others. That we each have gifts and when we hide those gift we not only miss out but we limit others of being blessed by those gifts also. Lately I have been watching in my life and those in my life and how they deal with struggles and trials. For me I almost always turn to the Lord and seek guidance. I know that my prayers are ALWAYS answered and that he is there for me.I see other struggle and struggle to have to do it alone and not allow others in or to help. Some people I think, think that their trial is all about them and by sharing with others only makes them weak. I at times laugh at that thought because I think it shows strength to show that you can be weak. Yet, I often find myself in this boat that I am judging. I need to work on letting others in and to help me in need.

I am always learning what a great blessing teaching my son to say please and thank-you are. How important those words are to say and to mean. So many times people take others kindness that they offer them and never give it a second thought. Some have the attitude that they deserve it or its owed to them. This just shocks me cause when anyone gives to another they are sacrificing from what they have (even if what they have is a lot) they don't have to give it or serve you. They are making a choice to help you. It's a gift and you should be grateful that it was given to you. That another person cares enough or has enough moral character to give of themselves. There should never be a sense of you owe me this or I don't have to return the favor or pay back the service in some way.

My parents have done a lot for me out of the kindness of their hearts. At times I have not be as grateful for it as I should of been. That I have not given back as soon as I should of or that I have taken and not understood where it all comes from. I feel guilty about this. I have never meant to take and not say thank you.Yet at times I have done just that. I also have not shared with others like I should of. Holding what I have to give in hiding and protecting it from nothing really. Oh how selfish I have been.

So today gift is a gift to my son. To teach him to give and not expect anything in return. To teach him to say thank-you and mean it. To also teach him the spirit of giving and receiving. That all parts of giving and receiving can be a treasure for him and you to experience throughout your life.

So I am going to do new things in my life.  Things that I have never done before.  First is I started the www.c25k.com today.  This means in 9/10 weeks I am going to run a 5K.  I have never done one before but this is what life is about.  Becoming a better me and learning to do something that is out of my comfort zone.  Lately it seems that God wants me to become a better men.  The current trials in my life are things that are making me stronger.  They are  things that only can improve me and make me a better person in the end.  I am being reminded what it is like to love with all my heart.  Sometimes I hate that I care so much for people.  People tell me it is a gift to be able to see people as the best they can be.  I don't know maybe this is just how life is for me.  Always a struggle.


So today my blessing is my struggles.  Even though right now I DO NOT want them.  I am grateful for them.  My mom always tells me that if I just count my blessings that in time that is all I will be able to see.  That if I am glad for the struggles I am going through right now then in the end I will be able to see the good from them.  God knows what he is doing.  He can see what I can't.  If I but let him have control in my life then it will be alright no matter what happens.  I learned how real God is when I lost Dayna.  That knowledge has not changed.  Right now I just have to learn to trust him and let him have the control in my life.  I have to let go.